| Part 1 It was over. It didn�t end in a flash or with dramatic pause, it just ended. Her revelation had been the cause. She was a child of rape. She was part of something that Abbie could never forget no matter how many guilty men she convicted or how many victims she counseled. Her toothbrush was gone and the spare key was on the kitchen table. Olivia didn�t need a note, she knew the reason. She had felt the noose constricting in the weeks prior. At first there was a subtle change. She would catch Abbie watching her out of the corner of her eye as a rape victim gave their statement, studying her with the same deep brown eyes that she had fallen into so long ago, a few times Abbie had actually flinched when Olivia reached for her, and then the nightmares started again. She stopped staying over, always too busy with work when Olivia knew her caseload was less than it had been in months. She withdrew further and further away, until they barely spoke at work anymore. Elliot became her star witness, presumably so she wouldn�t have to talk to Olivia more than necessary. And still Olivia couldn�t be mad. She couldn�t even fight with Abbie. She was right. Her demons were scary but Olivia had to live with them, she couldn�t expect anyone else to. Olivia wondered if somewhere inside of her the part that was intrinsically her father laughed at the situation; his bastard daughter falling in love with a woman who had been brutalized by men like himself. The irony. Olivia knew it wasn�t her fault, that nothing had changed in her, Abbie just couldn�t reconcile loving someone who was the product of something that had brought her world crashing down all those years ago. There were things you could move on from, wounds that could heal, but rape wasn�t something you ever forgot. It wasn�t outright deception. No more than Abbie failing to tell Olivia about the rape that had changed her right away. It was a matter of trust. Just like you didn�t tell someone you don�t know that you are a lesbian, or that you investigate sex crimes. Some things aren�t fit for public consumption, they are for friends, for lovers, for people who you can�t imagine your life without. And so she had told Abbie and her world had crumbled. Still as they passed each other in the squad room or courthouse hallways Olivia couldn�t imagine her life without her. Even if she was her former lover�s worst nightmare reincarnated in someone she once trusted. So standing in Abbie�s office, her personal effects packed haphazardly into two small boxes, Olivia had come to say goodbye. Abbie was leaving for DC in the morning, she�d never have to see Olivia�s face again, but she couldn�t run away without dealing with the finality of the situation. Abbie had to face her demons like Olivia had, even if Olivia was now one of them. Abbie looked up, surprised to see the detective hovering above her desk, waiting expectantly. Her mouth quirked and her eyebrow lifted. "Hey," Olivia said. "I just wanted to come by and wish you luck in DC." "Thanks." Abbie�s expression was stoic, the same way it had been since Olivia had found the key on her kitchen table, appropriately noncommittal. Olivia studied her face for a long moment, cataloging their last moments together. They were alone for the first time since the wreckage of their relationship had walled her off from Abbie. She took a few hesitant steps toward Abbie who, to her credit, didn�t back away, she stood firm. The leather of her jacket creaked as she leaned in to press a kiss against the other woman�s cheek. "I would never hurt you," she whispered against Abbie�s ear before turning to walk away. She never looked back, she couldn�t. It was time to heal her own wounds now. Part 2 She had ten long months to question her decision to leave New York. At the time she had convinced herself that she was merely accepting a well-deserved promotion. Now she was fairly certain that it was just a lateral move career-wise, but more importantly it had been the perfect escape from Olivia Benson. She uprooted her life to run from a woman. The thought nagged her incessantly. The worm of doubt had been planted and left her questioning her choices. It was the worst feeling in the world, being unable to trust herself or anyone else. She had promised herself all those years ago that she would never be a victim again. That she would be more vigilant, that unspeakable violence was avoidable. She scrutinized every person that entered her life and the few people she let in, she trusted implicitly. Olivia was one of the few. How had she missed it? She couldn�t shake the feeling that she had been betrayed despite the completely irrational nature of her reaction. Olivia had ordered in. It was a Saturday night and she wasn�t on call for the first time in a month. That fact alone had relaxed the women, knowing they wouldn�t be called in to deal with whatever particularly heinous acts the citizens of New York might perpetrate on one another. At least not that night. Abbie had arrived with her overnight bag, a luxury because, more often than not, their moments together were unplanned. The nature of their work didn�t afford them consistency and so their relationship had been made up of stolen moments, rare days off, and late night visits. Sometimes Olivia would knock at her door in the middle of the night on the way back from a crime scene. She�d smile wearily and say that she was in the neighborhood and Abbie would invite her in. It wasn�t ideal, but it was something. After dinner they�d enjoyed the quiet comfort of low light and candles. It was one of those moments a person never forgets, the way candle light illuminates a lover�s face, the intimacy, feeling like you are the only two people in the world. The world just stops and everything is perfect. So why had Olivia chosen that very moment to tell her? Her mouth had hung open for a few moments, trying to find the words, the corner of her eye crinkled and her eyebrow lifted in a half smile and then she said it. The words that changed everything. �My mother was raped. My father was her rapist.� She felt like she had been punched in the stomach. In hindsight, Olivia had probably been wrestling with telling her for quite some time. Abbie could distinctly remember two other occasions when Olivia had looked at her the way she did just before her revelation that night. Maybe she had felt the same perfection that Abbie had and thought it might soften the blow. It didn�t. It only made it worse. Because Abbie couldn�t run away and process what her lover had just told her. She had to pretend to be okay with it and that turned out to be the worst thing she had ever done. Maybe if she had been able to escape she could have come to terms with it, but instead all she could do was scrutinize Olivia from that moment on. All those months they shared a bed Abbie never saw it and that scared her. She had betrayed herself. She let her guard down too soon; perhaps she had let Olivia off too easily because she was a police officer. The compassion in her face when she comforted a rape victim or spoke with a child had touched Abbie and she was drawn to the woman. She had pursued Olivia. Part of her couldn�t help but wonder if she had subconsciously sought out a predator. It was the same part that questioned how much of the rape was her fault. She had trusted the wrong person. She was so na�ve, so blind to the dangers of the world. It could have been so much worse, she knew that now. And that scared her more. She had stayed that night. She didn�t sleep and they didn�t make love, but she stayed. She was up and showering the moment it started to get light out. She couldn�t stand the weight of Olivia�s arm across her any longer. She felt trapped. She tried not to imagine Olivia�s features angry, but she was so strong. Just the thought that another woman, especially the one she had been sleeping with for eight months, was stronger than her and had� that� inside of her was absolutely terrifying. But she put on her game face, like she did every day and choked back the memories. Her pain was what made her strong. It drove her to the extremes that she was so often prone to as a prosecutor. It motivated her. She started making excuses. She made sure they weren�t alone more than a few times after that night. Vigilant, once again. She pulled farther away. She knew it was tearing Olivia up but she couldn�t be the one to comfort her and that ate away at her. Olivia, after all, was the one that listened to her story, accepted her as she was and looked at her with those eyes. She was so convinced Olivia felt her pain, empathized so thoroughly, that she allowed herself to feel safe with the detective. She had found her great protector, despite her best intentions to deny the need for one. But she was wrong. At least that�s what she had decided when she left New York. Olivia just gave up and that was probably the single most alarming thing about the situation. It was like she had just resigned herself that Abbie�s reaction was coming. It wasn�t until recently that Abbie had unraveled the conundrum. Olivia was just as she was� a victim. Not a victim of violence, but a victim nonetheless. Their demons knew each other, they simply weakened them in different ways. Thinking back on their time together, Abbie was acutely aware of Olivia�s hesitance the first time they slept together. She was so gentle, almost afraid she�d break Abbie. She didn�t push, she let Abbie control how far it went and at what pace. Abbie thought it was because Olivia was afraid of spooking her, always the good detective. But now she could see that Olivia was afraid of herself and what it meant to be with a rape victim. It was a concession that didn�t come easily, she was sure of that. And what had it meant? Olivia had bandaged her wounds and held her close only to rip the bandages off the night she confessed. Confessed? She couldn�t stop thinking of it as a dirty little secret, an indiscretion, something that could be helped. She knew blaming Olivia for her genetics was as fundamentally wrong as blaming a rape victim for their rape. But she still fell into that trap, too. Abbie had single-handedly left their relationship in ruins. She turned her back to Olivia and walked away. The end. Clean and easy. But it was messier than any break-up she�d ever been a part of. She was haunted not by things that Olivia had done to her, but things that she could have done. Sometimes she had nightmares of the night that changed her life and it was Olivia brutalizing her, taking her body and bruising her spirit. The eyes that had drawn her in with their kindness burned with a rage that paralyzed Abbie. She couldn�t bear it when those same eyes looked at her the morning after. She always wondered when it would happen. It was only a matter of time, she had told herself. So she had made her escape and never looked back. Until that day that Olivia came to her office to say goodbye. Her eyes sparkled with pain when she looked into Abbie�s. The kiss she pressed against her cheek was reminiscent of their first time together, so soft, so considerate, so full of emotions she wouldn�t dare speak. And then her voice trembled as her words blew across Abbie�s ear. "I would never hurt you." So honest. Abbie knew at that moment she had made the biggest mistake of her life. She had given her fear power. She had sacrificed her relationship because of an imaginary boogey man. And all this time she had blamed Olivia when she should have been blaming herself. She never saw her eyes again. She couldn�t imagine them angry anymore. All she could see was the pain she put there. The guilt for something she never did. The sorrow and loneliness was all Abbie had left her with. It haunted her. Washington wasn�t as she had expected it. That wasn�t true. Her only expectation was that it would be without Olivia and it was. But she missed feeling like she made a difference. The justice she found in Washington wasn�t satisfying but she stayed because it was a fitting punishment. Her time alone had allowed her to work through what had happened and she was ready to make things right. She could never tell Olivia what she had imagined, certain that it would do more damage than good. But she could apologize. She had no expectations of rekindling their relationship. She just couldn�t bear the thought of leaving things so bitterly between them. She parked her rental car in front of Olivia�s apartment building. Resting her forehead on the steering wheel, her hands squeezed the leather as she gathered her strength for what would be the most difficult conversation of her life. She took a cleansing breath and forced her body from the car, she couldn�t let the temptation to drive away win this battle. Abbie was locking the car door when she saw them. Olivia�s hand was on the small of the blonde�s back as they pushed through the front doors of the building. They were laughing, smiles so big, so happy. Abbie braced herself with a hand on the roof of the rental car as she watched them walk away. They didn�t see her, too focused on each other to notice the dark eyes across the street following them. Olivia had made her peace the day Abbie had left her. It appeared that Abbie was never going to get her chance and she had nobody to blame for that but herself. But oh, how she would have loved a chance to blame it on that all-too pretty blonde. It wasn�t fair. Olivia had moved on. She was happy. As much as Abbie had convinced herself that it was all she wanted for the woman, she was utterly destroyed that Olivia was happy without her. Abbie slid back into the rental car and turned the key. Not one to put off the inevitable, she pointed the car towards the airport. The ticket could be changed. It was time to return to her self-appointed exile. There would be no escaping this time. Part 3 It was on the morning news. All of her colleagues were talking about it. Assistant District Attorney Alex Cabot was dead. Assassinated by Columbian drug lords. She sure knew how to make a dramatic exit, Abbie thought ruefully. She had tried so hard to hate the woman that took her place in Olivia�s life, but Abbie couldn�t. It was no wonder why Olivia had fallen for her, she was a formidable opponent. A fitting replacement. It had been nearly three years since she had discovered their relationship. She had returned to Washington with her tail between her legs, convinced it was time to move on. Easier said than done. The next day she found herself digging around for information on the nameless, leggy blonde. She knew that her fixation was unhealthy and would, more than likely, raise some eyebrows if it was ever discovered. Know thine enemy, isn�t that what they say? But the more information she gathered the harder it became to deny that she didn�t hate Alex. She actually might have even liked her. And, under different circumstances, they probably could have been friends. It was� Irritating. Plain and simple. She was two for two. Abbie had to admire that. She got the job and the girl. Talk about a winning track record. She booked a flight for that afternoon. She felt obligated to pay her respects to the blonde that she had never even met. She felt like she knew Alex. Olivia�s name was in the Post. She had been with Alex when it happened. Abbie couldn�t imagine what it was like to see a lover gunned down right in front of you. She did know that Olivia was undoubtedly blaming herself. Always so maternal. The great protector. She wondered how Olivia would react to seeing her again under the circumstances. How could she explain why she had come back? And why she felt compelled to pay her respects to a woman who, by all accounts, she shouldn�t even know existed. She had a lot of time to think about it on her flight. In her head she had concocted an elaborate story using co-workers, acquaintances and an allegiance to the Manhattan District�s Attorney�s Office to justify her arrival. Abbie sunk her hands deep into her wool coat and fell in behind an old woman hefting a grocery cart up the apartment building�s front stoop. Abbie�s offer to help went ignored, the cantankerous woman managing to step into the security entrance and pull it shut before Abbie could slip in behind her. So much for the element of surprise. Abbie pressed a well-worn button and rang the buzzer. The silence stretched on as she waited for an answer. It occurred to her that Olivia might not even live there anymore. A shiver ran through her. Fall in New York. It had been awhile. Abbie�s hand hastily pushed the button again. Her fingers protested, the cold numbing them, as she held the button longer than the last time. The speaker finally crackled to life. "Go away, Elliot," Olivia croaked. Abbie tried to say something, anything, but there were no words. Instead she pushed the button again. If Olivia wasn�t going to deal with Elliot, her chances of getting buzzed in were slim to none. She reckoned the long-lost girlfriend routine wouldn�t be a popular one. Olivia must have relented to the imaginary Elliot at her doorstep because the security door buzzed, its lock clicking open. She slinked inside, grateful for the warmth of the building�s lobby. The elevator came entirely too quickly and before she knew it she was in front of Olivia�s door. Her knuckles rapped against the door harder than she meant them to. The door swung open. "Surely your family wants to see you more than I do." Olivia�s eyes lifted and everything stopped. The honking down on the street seemed to melt away as Olivia�s features went from grim to confused. Abbie suddenly felt awful for darkening her doorstep. "Hi," Abbie said awkwardly. She bit her lip, dimples creasing her cheeks as she floundered for more words. "I just wanted to see if you were alright." Olivia�s eyes narrowed in confusion before they lightened. "The news," she sighed, nodding her head. For all her planning, Abbie was still left speechless when she saw Olivia again. Her hair was different, but it suited her just the same. She looked so tired, so frail. She had never seen the strong detective look so worn down. Beaten. Abbie hesitated. "I should go." She turned to walk away. "Wait." Olivia�s hand snatched her wrist. Abbie froze. Her heart pounded in her ears. Olivia released her wrist as quickly as she had taken it. "Sorry." Abbie shook her head and stared at the floor tiles. "No, it�s fine. I�m better." It was a lie. Olivia had startled her, but she reasoned that it was the speed of her movements rather than a reaction to her history with the detective. "Come inside?" Olivia stepped back, opening the door wide. Abbie looked into the darkened apartment momentarily. Olivia sensed her hesitance and stepped inside further flicking on lights as she went. She had to smile. Even in such a difficult time Olivia was trying to put her at ease. She stepped into the apartment. It had seen better days, but hadn�t they all? Abbie hung her coat by the door as Olivia rustled around in the kitchen. She sunk into the couch as Olivia emerged with two steaming mugs. The situation was eerily too familiar. Too comfortable. Abbie cradled her mug with both hands as Olivia settled into the other corner of the couch. She smiled down at the cup of tea. "What?" Abbie shook her head, a smile still playing at the corners of her mouth. "Nothing." "Not enough milk?" "No, it�s perfect. I just can�t believe you remember how I take my tea still." "Oh�" Olivia licked her lip and looked into her own cup. Abbie wrestled with what to say next. She couldn�t ask how Olivia had been, that was rather obvious. Her eyes searched the room for anything that would spark a conversation topic. Unfortunately, they found the one thing she probably shouldn�t talk about. A lonely Polaroid of Olivia and Alex sat on the coffee table. Their foreheads were pressed together, their faces scrunched with laughter. Abbie felt a sharp pang in her stomach. Everything about her visit seemed so wrong. She shouldn�t have come. She was mentally plotting her escape when Olivia finally broke the silence. "You would have liked her." What could she say to that? "I think so, too." Clearly not the right choice. The detective cocked her head in Abbie�s direction. It was her interrogation face. The one Olivia sported when she found a hole in a suspect�s alibi. Shit. That story she had invested all of her frequent flyer miles in was long gone and she was left with the unpleasant task of telling Olivia the truth. Somewhere between "I saw the two of you together" and "I�ve been keeping track" Olivia began to look concerned or annoyed. Abbie couldn�t tell. Her explanation really was ridiculous. She couldn�t even believe it was all coming out. She should have rehearsed it or had a back up plan. Anything would have been better than the God�s honest truth. Every obsessive detail, she didn�t leave anything out. Abbie half-expected Olivia to cuff her and arrest her for stalking but she didn�t. "I didn�t want to disrupt what you had going. It wasn�t fair what happened. I came back to apologize, but you had moved on and maybe the past was better left there." Olivia watched her fidget, taking a little longer than necessary to reply. "Then why are you here now?" "I don�t know." She really didn�t. Abbie was starting to wonder if her motivation for coming back was purely selfish. A chance to be the hero for once, to gloss over the past and pick up where they left off all those years ago. She couldn�t accept that. She knew deep down that there was something more driving her. "I wanted to make sure you were okay, I guess." "I�m not. I won�t be for a long time." Olivia controlled her voice but Abbie caught the subtle crack of emotion that rippled through her words. Abbie studied the milky liquid cooling in her mug. "I didn�t want you to be alone," she said finally. "That didn�t seem to matter three years ago," the detective said coolly. Ouch. She deserved that, but ouch. Abbie set her tea on the coffee table and trained her eyes on Olivia�s face. "Every morning I wake up and regret leaving. I miss New York, I miss my old job, I miss you. I know that doesn�t make what I did any easier to accept, but I don�t know how to fix it." "Maybe you can�t fix this. Maybe there�s nothing left to fix." It hurt Olivia to say the words just as much as it hurt Abbie to hear them. Abbie nodded and looked away. Olivia stood, setting her mug on the coffee table. "I think you should go." She stared down at Abbie. "I�m not leaving you alone," Abbie said defiantly. "I can�t do this, Abbie. It�s too much." Olivia�s voice trembled and threatened to betray her. "Just go, please?" she pleaded, her desperation mounting. Abbie knew that she didn�t want her to bear witness to her breakdown, but she couldn�t leave. She knew that Olivia wanted her there, she was just too proud to admit it. She would have let Abbie leave earlier if she didn�t want her there. When she didn�t budge, Olivia raised a hand to her face and sucked in a shaky breath. If she didn�t feel bad before, Abbie certainly did as she watched the tears fall from behind the hand that shielded the detective�s face. Abbie stood and pulled the other woman into her arms. She wrapped Olivia up and held her close as the detective finally let the sobs wrack her body. Her arms hung limply at her sides as Abbie stroked her hair and rubbed her back. After a few moments of consoling, she lifted her arms to encircle Abbie�s waist and clung to her. It was a strange sensation being held so tightly when she hadn�t even been touched by another person in well over a year. Abbie distinctly remembered the last time: someone had patted her on the back for winning a difficult case. Far from intimate, but it was the epitome of what her life had become since she left New York. She had forgotten what it felt like to be needed, to be depended on, to be clung to like she was the last woman on the planet. For that Abbie took more pleasure from Olivia�s painful outburst than she wanted to but she wasn�t prepared for what happened next. The detective shook the last sob from her chest, her face pressed snugly against Abbie�s neck and quieted. The next thing Abbie knew Olivia�s mouth was roaming her throat. She tried calling Olivia�s name to get her attention but it didn�t work and before she knew it Olivia�s mouth was on hers. Her lips were so hot, she felt so good. Abbie fought an internal war. It was wrong. Everything about the situation wasn�t right. Olivia might have been kissing her because she was Abbie or she might have been trying to forget Alex. More likely was that the detective wanted to feel something good in a time where there was so little to feel good about. Abbie reciprocated briefly before she was able to pull her mouth away. The detective�s mouth just moved back to her neck, her strong hands squeezing Abbie uncomfortably. "Olivia," she said forcefully. Olivia froze. It was like she had been awakened her from a bad dream. She shrunk away from Abbie moments later. "I am so sorry." Olivia dropped onto the couch and closed her eyes, her embarrassment was palpable. Abbie sat on the edge of the couch and ran a hand through her hair. "You were right. It�s too late for us." She shook her head, not wanting to believe her own words. It would have been so easy for Abbie to fall into Olivia�s bed, but she knew that in the morning things would be beyond repair and she�d rather have a friend than a bitter ex-lover. "I was wrong." Olivia set her hand on Abbie�s. "It�s too early." I'm always adding new stuff. 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| Victims of Circumstance |
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