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| I can�t believe it happened. Again. Why do I always, always end up with the wrong guy? Why are they always, always cheating on me? And why do I never believe it until I catch them in flagranti? What is there about me that makes them always, always need somebody else? What is there that I don�t have that they have to search for elsewhere?
After Chris and I broke up (well, he broke us up by making out with that... that girl!) and I came back from crying my eyes out in my hiding place at Lake Mead, I went to Nancy and we had a long talk. Well, technically, she held a long monologue, since I was too upset to think straight. She told me � again � that it wasn�t my fault. That it wasn�t me that was lacking something, but these goddamn men that couldn�t get their libido under control. That it was them that had a weak character, not me. Basically, her monologue covered everything I had told Sara when we went out for a beer after she broke up with Hank. I know that speech by heart � but it�s hard to believe it in your very heart. I learned a while ago that you can�t do anything about being in love, but love itself is a decision. Of course you have to have a crush on someone and fall in love to be willing to spend your life with this someone. That�s a base that has to be there. There are, however, many people that you fall in love with, but there are only a few you want to wake up next to every day for the rest of your life. The rest of your life can mean the next fifty years, 1826 mornings � or even more. At some stage during the time you�re feeling like a lovesick teenager again you have to decide if you want to be lovers or family. I also know that there are some things, traits of character, that I need to find in my Prince Charming. The guys I went out with rarely matched with these - they would, for example, never be like a real father to Lindsey. I can�t and do not want to replace Eddie, but I still think that it would be a lot better for Linds to grow up with two parents. I don�t want to end up crying in my secret place again, I don�t want my tears to merge with the waters of Lake Mead anymore. I will make a list to describe my Prince Charming. Now! And I will compare future �candidates� to it before I end up being enraged and boiling mad at myself again about something that is � as Nance said � not my fault at all. So... hmm... Well, I wouldn�t mind somebody tall, dark and handsome - brown or black hair, brown eyes... But that�s trivial. I would like somebody that loves to dance. With me. I don�t really dance anymore like I used to, but I certainly enjoy dancing in pairs a lot. Going out with somebody that will never go on the dance floor with me would certainly be everything but fun. And even the most romantic man isn�t worth a lot if you can�t have fun together. Hmm.. I already said I want somebody to be a parent to Linds. Spending so much time at my sister�s, she already has like two mums but, as much as they love each other, I think there�s a difference between an aunt and a father. I long for somebody who will understand the darker chapters of my past. Someone who won�t judge me, maybe even someone that has experienced something similar himself. After all, I was not really a drug addict. I snorted coke because I wanted to forget. I could have stopped taking drugs anytime. I didn�t stop because while I was high I didn�t notice the stares of my audiance in the �French Palace�. These men didn�t admire me as a person � of course not, they didn�t know me � or as a dancer. They were only lusting after flesh. That, I could not endure. That, I was fleeing by letting the drugs guide me to another world. A lot of this hints at somebody I almost kissed a few days ago, shortly after a part of my world broke down again: Warrick. There is, however, something that I kind of doubt that Warrick could fulfil � and it�s one of the most important, if not the most important, point on my list: I need somebody whom I can trust unconditionally. Someone who will never, ever cheat on me. Of course it would be best to meet a man that has been cheated on himself, who knows what it feels like � and hates it as much as I do. Maybe Warrick could be this someone. But maybe is not enough for me. I don�t want to be treated like a doll anymore, a doll that anyone can leave behind whenever they want to. I�m sure Warrick wouldn�t leave me just like that. It would be hard for him, he would grieve. But again, that�s not enough for me. I know that love sometimes makes people do funny things. That it can come when you least expect it � and that it can fly away. I know that. Still, love is also a decision. I want to be sure to have someone at my side who will fight for me, for Lindsey, for our love, for our family. Someone who won�t give up at the smallest sight of trouble. Somebody who will pursue his path to the very end. I guess I only know one person who is that stubborn: Sara Sidle. We are not best friends. We are not enemies. We may not be very close, but I still know enough about her to know that she fulfils each and every point of my little list. Wait a minute. She fulfils each and every point of the list? She does? She does. So... Does that mean...? Is it possible...? Sara Sidle?! I'm always adding new stuff. Check back soon for more or join the mailing list. To submit your work click the Email link below. Email C/S MAIN HOME CSI MAIN JOIN THE YAHOO GROUP |
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| Author: graveyard-cat Rating: M (for slash) Pairing: Cath/Sara Spoilers: S3: Crash & Burn; S5: Viva Las Vegas, Down the Drain Disclaimers: CSI is the property of CBS..blabla.. duh! This is fanfiction, of course I don�t own anything. I�m not making any money with this, so.. let me rest in peace, let me get some sleep (ups, that was Buffy � no, I�m not goint to put more Disclaimers in here ;-) ) Author�s notes: My first try to write after several years, my first CSI FF. Please R&R so that I know if it�s worth continuing to write (sorry, I�m not one of the self-concious kind). Many cordial thanks to my beta Emma: Thanks for staying with me. Without you I�d have been lost! |