| Chapter 1
"Hadn't you noticed?" she asked. "N-noticed?" "Me?" she leaned into her personal space. Olivia felt cornered. Her gun holster was cutting into her side. Her jacket was too heavy. The guarded look on the detective's face told her she'd need to be specific, not to rely on innuendo. "Didn't you notice when I stood too close," she moved even closer to her guest, "when I asked you to my office for no good reason, when I needed you to repeat yourself because I..., I just wanted to hear you talk to me, say my name, talk to me a little bit longer? Didn't you notice I wanted you to notice me?" "No." Olivia answered honestly. She wasn't sure she wanted to know this. She wanted to think it was all in her head, just some fleeting fantasy gone awry. She noticed Alex. She also noticed her feelings for Alex turn. How did that happen? When did Alex begin to make her blush, make her stammer, make her wonder what she was wearing under that blue suit? Oh, was Alex telling her she wanted her to wonder? She hadn't noticed that. Okay, clearly if Alex wanted this to move on, she'd have to lay her cards on the table. "And I thought I was being bold all these months, flirting with you in the squad room." Alex could barely keep her hands at her side. She'd been waiting to touch Olivia, to kiss her. And a few moments ago, Olivia had almost done it. Alex had seen her eyes lose focus and her head tilt before she caught herself and tried to escape. "What?" Olivia whimpered. She was breathing through her mouth now. Her heart pounded against her rib cage, and she didn't trust herself. Right, she was a cop, woman of action, enough with the talking. Alex closed what little space remained between the two and brushed her lips against Olivia's. She slid her hands under the leather jacket and around her waist. God, she wanted this woman so badly. She caught Olivia's open mouth gently, humming her pleasure. For a moment, the kiss deepened. Alex felt her response, Olivia's hands on her hips, fingers pressing, tongue drawing her in. For a moment and then Olivia pulled away. Pushed Alex away. "No. No, no, I don't think.... I'm just not...." She floundered and then found her footing. She looked Alex directly in the eyes, "I never noticed anything. I never noticed you, I never asked you to notice me. I don't notice those kinds of things, and I didn't notice this, here. Okay?" She didn't wait for a response. She turned on her heel and left the apartment. Too stunned to chase, Alex fell into a chair and tried to figure out what had happened. Maybe Olivia had a girlfriend hidden away in that closet of hers. Or maybe she didn't want to mix work and play. Alex might have misread the I am, are you? signals as I'm interested in you. No, she was sure Olivia was attracted to her. She hadn't been out of the game that long. She knew when a woman wanted.... But Olivia hadn't known. Olivia hadn't even known. Shit! Chapter 2 Hello, you've reached my machine. Leave a message. [beep] "Olivia, I'm sorry. It's my fault. I just made assumptions. Can we pretend I didn't just throw myself at you? Ha, ha. You didn't notice it, right? Yeah, okay. So back to normal on Monday, ri-" [beep] Olivia replayed the message and stalked around her apartment like a rat in a cage. What the fuck, what the fuck, the fuck? Yeah, Monday, normal. One more mask to wear. Normal. ****** Monday came and went. And another and another. They steered clear of each other at first, letting professionalism cover their discomfort. Then late one evening, Detectives Benson and Stabler tracked the ADA down at a restaurant. She knew they assumed she was on a date with Langen. Olivia relaxed a bit after that. And Alex pretended not to notice the effect her red dress had had on the detective that night. ****** "This job can change people, twist them," Alex finally offered some time after Elliot had led the cuffed suspect out of the interrogation room. Olivia was clearly disturbed by the guy. She'd paced the small room with a restless vigilance throughout the interview with David Hecht, an SVU detective suspected in a string of violent rapes involving prostitutes. He was claiming that the "rough sex" was consensual, paid for. She finally stopped moving and sat across from Alex who was growing impatient. "Some people work out their issues in the bedroom," Alex concluded without making eye contact. She watched Olivia's hands unwind a paperclip. "Or avoid them in the bedroom." Olivia quietly laid the clip on the table. She had said it as an apology. For running out, for not explaining herself properly. She wanted to explain herself. But Alex wasn't about to touch that line. "Well, maybe he just got addicted to the sense of control. Ironic. Out of control violence and rape for the sake of feeling in control. I don't think we'll ever really know why rapists rape." Alex kept throwing words up, waiting for Olivia to, what? Something. To get to whatever Olivia was trying to get to. They'd been not quite getting there for the past five minutes. "Maybe that's why ... I prefer being with men. To be in control," she paused, saying half of it. Her voice was harder than she intended. "Oh, I see," said Alex, although she didn't. She didn't see what the hell this had to do with anything. 'I prefer being with men,' my ass. I shouldn't have let you off the hook so easily before. "Sometimes, Olivia, it's good not to be in control. Sometimes it's the best part. You know, there have been more than a few occasions when I was damn happy to prefer women," her voice grew quieter, but not softer. "The physical parity, one would have a better chance in a physical attack by a woman than a man." Fuck your illogical, lame-ass excuse. Olivia mumbled out the rest, "Not to control someone else. To be in control of myself." She pulled at the collar of her t-shirt then continued, "I'm afraid to get carried away, if I get too caught up...." Oh, Alex thought as Olivia fell mute. Oh, shit, Olivia. "You're not-" "Yeah, right, I know. No, I know I'm not. I'm not Hecht. I'm not...." Waving her hands, she didn't say it, unsure whether she'd run out of words or out of conviction. She took a deep breath and blinked hard. Alex leaned forward at a loss for anything else to do. Olivia pressed her palms on the tabletop. She felt snagged, caught between her confession and the sharp edge of her life. "Okay, so...okay," she said as if they had just settled something, and the detective stood and left the ADA to gather her paperwork. Chapter 3 God, she sure can shut down, Alex thought as she listened to Benson explain their need for a search warrant. Alex knew Petrovsky would sign the warrant, but she let the detective go on a while. Her eyes were intent, and her voice insistent. She pointed at the maps and phone logs like they'd committed the crime. If Olivia raised her voice while Alex's eyes roved across her shoulders and down the V of her lilac blouse, if she sharpened her tone while Alex's eyes continued from button to button to belt buckle, her co-workers would rally to her side, demanding to know why the ADA wasn't already on the phone talking to a judge, why she was making them sweat this one so much. For weeks, Alex tried not to disturb the detective. She usually tried staring at her forehead or her partner instead. Anything but the deep brown eyes, the soft, warm lips that had caused her to melt that night. She knew Olivia had some baggage, and none of it matched her own. It was probably best that they weren't sharing closets. But some days were easier than others. She cut Olivia off, saying they'd have the warrant by 3:00 p.m., and walked away. Olivia just stood there. Like a firefly in a jar, she didn't know if she could move past the glass barrier, if the little girl who put her there had really just taken the lid off and walked away. Stabler was already on the phone with CSU making arrangements for the search. She grabbed their coats and returned to the safety of her desk. While she waited for Elliot to hang up, she pretended to go over the phone logs again. Alex came to her apartment that night and insisted on talking to her. Olivia let her in even though it was late, even though she'd been drinking. Or she thinks she'd been drinking. Must have been because she couldn't quite see Alex clearly, just blue eyes, full lips, that jaw line. All the bits of Alex swimming in front of her. Alex moved closer and closer. This is you, she kept saying. There was a kiss, and hands, and no more blue suit. This is you. Alex shifted her into the corner of her living room, behind the front door. Olivia was overwhelmed with the sensation of Alex's insistent body, her own body's demands. This is you. Between the blonde hair falling over her face and the kiss and the corner, Olivia couldn't find enough air to breathe. She began to squirm, to push back. Just let me breathe. She writhed against the heat and the pressure, trying to get more air to her lungs. She began to panic and kick. She awoke in her date's bed, his heavy limbs surrounding her. She struggled to roll from under them and got up. She picked her clothes up off the floor and glanced at the clock then through the bars on the apartment window to the inky morning light. ****** For weeks afterward, Olivia tried hard to disturb the ADA. She worked at getting the ADA to notice her and took note of her reactions. Consequently, she wore the lilac button-down, the burgundy sweater or the periwinkle pull-over more often. But not the oatmeal sweater. Either the black or the brown leather jacket, but not the parka. It was her turn to stand closer than she needed, to hold Alex's gaze longer than was professional, to watch the blonde's high cheekbones flush pink at a carefully orchestrated casual touch when passing off documents to each other. Usually she'd get an argumentative comment or some curt dismissal as a punishment for her new transgressions. But sometimes Alex would weaken, and they'd both let their eyes wander wherever they wanted, quickly or slowly depending on their surroundings. Like a just-this-once truce, conspiratorial and silent. As time passed, the truces came more frequently. Olivia showed up at Alex's uninvited. Alex had buzzed her into the building but stood looking through the peephole at the woman in the hallway. Her head was down, and her hands were stuffed in her pockets. Olivia, so sure of herself in the elevator, felt her conviction dissipate at Alex's doorstep. She shifted her weight to turn away when the door opened. "Olivia," she said her name to make her stay. "Do you want to come in?" It wasn't an invitation. She asked it as if she were in a courtroom, "Detective Benson, on the night in question, when you knocked at my door, did you intend to come in my apartment?" Bullets and knives she was trained for, but this? Crossing this threshold? This was dangerous. She pulled her hands from her pockets and looked up. Chapter 4 Brown eyes met blue. There was no truce in this moment. Eyes did not have permission to wander without consequence, and trespasses would not be forgiven. Is that what I want? Her nervous system jangled one answer, her heart pounded the other. She had to make a choice, a move. "Yes," Olivia answered. She took a hesitant step forward and paused. Alex didn't give way. Ah, right. Fuck.... "Um, do you want me to?" Alex stared at the brunette. "You don't get to have whatever you want just because you decide you want it." Her voice was soft but clear. "I didn't. I mean, just expect, or decide," her eyes darted from side to side, looking for a safe place to rest. "I didn't know-" "But you did, didn't you? Know." Alex, eyebrow raised, dared her to deny it. "Yes," she answered again. Alex couldn't tell if it was surrender or advance she saw in Olivia's expression, but she let Olivia in anyway. As she passed through the doorway, Olivia felt the hair on the back of her neck rise. The apartment was smaller than she remembered. They stood awkwardly for a while, Alex's arms crossed over her chest. Olivia wished Alex had left a window open. She took as deep a breath as she could get and said, "Look, I wish I'd been... or done...," she shifted her shoulders nervously, "whatever you needed me to before. Before you, before this." She watched Alex set her jaw. "What I needed? Olivia...," she gave an exasperated sigh and ran her hand through her hair. She understood what she was trying to tell her even if she got it all wrong. "I wished you'd worked through this crap before, too." And she meant it. She wanted nothing more than to walk that woman right into her bedroom, and nothing less than to deal with the aftermath. "Alex, I can't have already fucked this up. Please, not now." Olivia took a step toward her, holding her palms up. Alex could see her shaking, and her resolve weakened. "Okay," she put her hands on Olivia's shoulders but kept her at arm's length. "It's okay. I'm sorry." What was she sorry for? I'm sorry you're a closet case. And me, too. I'm sorry my less-than-suave seduction scared the hell out of you. She was about to say these things when Olivia came forward and kissed her. Her lips were as warm as she remembered. We should talk, Olivia. And as soft. Alex opened her mouth and let the kiss deepen. She could feel Olivia's heart beating against her chest. Contradicting her better judgment, she ran her hands up to her shoulders and eased off her leather jacket, which landed softly at their feet. Olivia put one hand on Alex's hip, and slid the other up her back. She marveled at how small her back was, how narrow her shoulders. To hold her felt so foreign, so right. She felt a dark urgency building behind the contact. Olivia balled the back of Alex's shirt and tugged downward. The kiss grew demanding, bruising. Alex leaned away and broke the kiss. Breathing heavily, Olivia fell back. Something between shock and panic flashed across her eyes. Quickly, Alex pulled her close again and whispered in her ear, "You don't have to be afraid to lose control. You do have to tell me what you want." "Want?" Alex's breath against her neck drove multi-syllabic speech out of her reach. "You?" Alex chuckled softly. "Okay, I like that, but it won't get you everything you want." She tilted her head back to catch Olivia's wide eyes. "You have to tell me. You have to say it, understand?" She understood the warmth of Alex's skin inches from her own. Olivia nodded. Alex smiled at the lie. "I'm not going to touch so much as one hair on your head unless you tell me you want it." Olivia swallowed. She raised her hand to Alex's face and ran her thumb across the soft, pale cheek. She let her fingers curl into the silky blonde hair while she placed light kisses gently long her neckline. She wanted to feel all of Alex. Needed to feel her. She pulled her closer, hip to hip, breast to breast. "Kiss me." And Alex did. Olivia untucked Alex's shirt and touched skin. The contact alone was enough for a moment. The moist warmth against her fingertips made her palm ache. But only a moment. She pushed the shirt up and over Alex's head, running both hands down her arms, shoulders, sides, hips. She stole a quick peek before returning to Alex's mouth. Alex rested her hands on Olivia's shoulders, eventually letting one slowly roam along the path only her eyes had been allowed to fall on before. Loose collar around the neck, the triangle of smooth skin in the V of the shirt, then button, button, button, belt buckle, coaxing a small moan from the brunette. She felt Olivia arch into her and shiver. "What do you want to do about that?" "I want you to touch me," she said and reached to unbutton her shirt. But Alex had been waiting a very long time for this particular pleasure. She bowed her forehead to Olivia's so she could be as close as possible to her lips and still see. Her knuckles grazed Olivia's breasts on the first button. Mmm, button... button... and no more V. Alex smiled lazily as she ran her nails over Olivia's stomach. She unhooked the clasp in the front of her bra and pulled the thing, along with her shirt, off Olivia's shoulders down to her bent elbows. She was exactly as she had imagined. Alex began to bend her head to Olivia's breasts and stopped. Olivia whimpered and raised her eyes, clinging to Alex's hips for support. "God, yes," she managed. Alex put her lips to her neck, kissing a hot trail downward. She took her right nipple into her mouth, sucking, biting gently, running her tongue over and around the taut, sensitive flesh. Olivia swayed forward slightly. Alex dropped one hand to the waistband of Olivia's jeans. She slipped a finger under the denim and traced the edge of Olivia's panties. Heat rolled from Olivia body, and her breathing grew shallow. When Olivia put her hand on the back of her head, Alex thought she wanted to increase the pressure, but she wove her fingers into her hair and pulled her up. Her eyes were closed, and her voice rough as she whispered, "Alex, I can't stand up anymore." Alex bowed her head to the overwrought woman and teased her tongue along Olivia's bottom lip, willing her to speak her desires. Olivia opened uncomprehending eyes and looked at Alex. Slowly, she begged, "We need to lie down." Alex smirked and nipped at her lip. She could feel Olivia's stomach tense and release as she tried to keep her breath steady. "Your bedroom. Now." Alex reluctantly accepted that Olivia was not going to be any more articulate tonight. "Well, what I need, Olivia, is to finish undressing, to lay you down on my bed and kiss all the tenderest parts of your body. To feel your hands and lips on my skin. To feel you, inside me," she whispered, edging her leg between Olivia's thighs. Olivia shuddered in her arms. "And to feel you do that when I'm inside you." "Alex," she growled, a warning. It was the only word her mind held. She felt wild, inadequate, lost. Self-control crumbled in on itself. She moved Alex backward, further into the apartment, unbuttoning and unzipping her slacks, never losing full body contact. She claimed Alex's lips in a hungry, hard kiss and pushed her hands under the top of her slacks, under the waistband of her panties and around her hips. They stumbled into the darkness of her bedroom, leaving their remaining clothing somewhere between the living room and the hallway, like breadcrumbs in a forest. In the quiet, still morning, Olivia ran her hands gingerly down her own body, from her face to her thighs. Closed eyes, the smell of her lover on her hands, the breath that rushed from her lips, the pulse in her neck, the sweat. Grazing the overly sensitive skin of her breasts and stomach, rounding her hips, palms flat on her now weak thighs. Like braille in flesh, reading the sensations left by another's touch. It felt like freedom, and she laughed out loud. --- Fin --- I'm always adding new stuff. Check back soon for more or join the mailing list. To submit your work click the Email link below Email A/O MAIN HOME SVU MAIN JOIN THE YAHOO GROUP |
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| Confining Spaces |
| Characters: Olivia/Alex
Rating: R Summary: "Sometimes ... it's good not to be in control. Sometimes it's the best part."Disclaimer/warning: Femslash. No $, no ownership, keep your hands to yourself and no one gets hurt. Archive: Ask and ye shall likely receive. |