THE EPIC SAGA
PART IV: THE EYE'S DOWNFALL
Where we last left off, I was hanging off the edge of a floating basketball court in the sky, but enough about me, let's talk about I. Where we last left I off, he was also dangling from the edge of a basketball court in the sky. The big mini-monkey had just informed I about his being his mom's sister's best friend's cousin's distant relative's college roommate from '67 and about his absence of a hand. I knew that he was in grave danger, for he was no match for the big mini monkey's size 11 high heeled shoe which was risen above I's head, ready to slam down on his hand, sending him to his doom! Suddenly, the big mini monkey brought down his monkey foot, with astonishing monkey speed but, unfortunately, he sorta, ya know, slipped, and fell off the edge. He screamed, as he fell into the endless purple void of voidnitude, "DURN IT, I'VE BEEN WEARIN' THESE THINGS FOR YEARS," screamed he, "AND I STILL CAN'T GET THE HANG OF WALKIN' IN 'EM!!" Then he disappeared. "PHEW!!" sighed I, "THAT ONE WAS A ONE THAT WAS CLOSE, A CLOSE ONE PERSAY!" He then began to pull himself back up onto the court, but instead, he slipped, and fell too. Meanwhile, back in Italy, we are with the elderly Italian woman, in the local Italian hospital emergency room. "-then, this big miniature ape wearing size 11 high heels came out, and-" then I just spilled out of her mouth. The room grew silent. Eyes widened, and ears perked, as a small man in the corner shouted what they were all thinking, "ICE CREAM TRUCK!! ICE CREAM TRUCK!!" and they all ran outside to get some ice cream. The elderly Italian woman, whom was elderly, looked at I, then ripped the hand out of her pocket. "Is this YOUR hand?" inquired the elderly Italian woman, with one of those elderly Italian looks. "Why yes, ma'am, it is," answered I. He then snatched the hand, shoved it back onto his nub, and ran before the little elderly Italian woman said she would sue him. Hey, I know, let's give this little elderly Italian woman a name, cuz little elderly Italian woman is just too much to write, let's make her name, Maria Conchesta Gonzalez Burrito Tiana or Fay, yeah, let's go with Fay. I just kept running, until everything around him dissolved into a black vacuity. Then suddenly he stopped, and the lights turned on. "ALL ARISE FOR THE HONORABLE JUDGE NUDY!" cried the baliff. Why, I was in a courtroom. Judge Nudy stepped out of her judge's place. The room was silent. Judge Nudy was ACTUALLY the evil eye, which had forsaken I so. Suddenly, a guy from the jury stood up and screamed, "LOOK! IT IS NAKED!!" "Oh, wait, " he said, "I failed to realize, that giant floating eyes do not usually wear clothes." "ENOUGH CHATTER!" screamed Judge Nudy. "We must begin this trial." The baliff began. "This is case 1059, Fay, and the people of Bergopolis vs. I." "YOU?!" said the Judge. "No, I." "Oh," said the judge, "him. Will the plaintiff please state your complaint." "I'd be honored to honorably honor you, your Honor." Said the elderly Italian woman, commonly known as Maria Conchesta Gonzalez Burrito Tiana or Fay. "I was eating my pasta surprise, when suddenly-" "Whoa, whoa, hold on," interrupted Judge Nudy, "I like pasghetti." "yeah but pasta surprise is way better," added Fay. "Anywho, I was eating my pasta surprise when suddenly, this conflabbed neighborhood kid's hand came flying out of my mouth, then a large miniature ape with huge, size 10, no, size 11 high heels came flying out, but no one cares about him, the point is, that HE came out too!" she then pointed at I. "IT WAS VERY DISTURBING!! Like a very disturbing thing." In unison, all of the jury stood up. "GUILTY!!" They said. "WAIT!!" Cried I's lawyer, "I'd like to make reference to the case of Pizza vs. Hut, March, 1967." I interrupted, "HEY! That's when the big mini monkey was my mom's sister's best friend's cousin's distant relative's college roommate!" "THIS BRINGS A WHOLE NEW ISSUE INTO LIGHT!" said I's lawyer. "I'd like to call I to the stand. I, were you acting en loco parentis towards the party of John Doe?" "WHAT?!" inquired I. In unison, the jury arose. "Innocent!" They said. "NOOOO!!!" screamed the judge as everything in the court systematically disappeared. All that was left after a moment was Judge Nudy, and I. "YOU FOOL!!!" said Nudy. With that, her curly white wig and her gavel disappeared. "It's you!" cried I. "Oh, gimme a break." Said the eye, "You didn't recognize the floating eyeball?" "Well," said I, "You were very well disguised " "Yeaaaaaaa oooook whatever. "said the eye. �So we finally meet.� Said I
�Prepare to play the last game of Parcheesi you will EVER play!� �I�ve never played Parcheesi� said I
�Okay, than let us play Swing-o�s� replied the eye.
�How do you play swing-o�s�
�Do you live in a cave?!�
�Yes� said I
�Well, the object of the game is simple, the first person to convict somebody of treason, lead them back to prison, hang them, cut them down alive, cut their privy members off and cast them into the fire, remove their bowels from their living body, burn them before their eyes, smite their head off, parade their beheaded corpse around the city, nail their hands and feet to the city gates, and display their head on a bridge for all to see, wins.� Quoth the eye.
�Oh� said I �I remember THAT game, we used to play it all the time with ol� Barks back on
grand-dad�s farm.� A tear of remembrance ran down his cheek as he recalled his child hood.
�Good times good times.�
As they were about to commence the lethal race, suddenly, the big mini-monkey
appeared before them. He said �Wait!�
�What is it?� cried the eye, and I.
�Uhhh. There�s a� um�oh�wait no, I forgot.� Said he.
The eye, and I, stared at the big mini-monkey, then at each other, with perfectly synchronized blinks,
common to most sit-coms. Then the eye, and I, both pulled out two scythes and chased him. They cornered him. �You!� said I �are guilty of exchanging classified intelligence with a foreign country!�
�Ha!� cried the eye �Treason!�
�Ummmm. No it�s not.� said I
�SHUT UP AND KILL HIM!�
So they, lead the BMM back to prison, hung him, cut him down alive, cut his privy members off and cast them into the fire, removed his bowels from his living body, burnt him before his eyes, smite his head off, paraded his beheaded corpse around the city, nailed his hands and feet to the city gates, and displayed his head on a bridge for all to see.
ALAS! Nobody won, as it was an act of partnership! Yep, a tie. A scratch, a draw, an equalizer, the big T,
the big E, the no win, the boot, the big sh-bang. That�s right folks, neither triumphed.
Just then, a booming voice (yes the SAME booming voice as in the other stories) sounded.
�When Grannies attack> It�s very real, and very scary.�
A mob of old grannies rushed across the horizon, they flashed their pointed dentures, and began to feast upon the eye. A large cry of �Sonny!� �Aye?� and �My hip!� was heard from the crowd, as I slowly walked
away into the sunset, and vanished. He had won.
Unfortunately for him, he was doomed to slip on a wad of Pasta Surprise, and die from
massive blood loss.
THE END