THE EPIC SAGA
PART I: THE FIRST SIGHTING
One day, I was walking down a path, and a huge serpent came out of a hole and started breathing on I. Now, this serpent was no ordinary serpent. This was the serpent that ravaged the lands, widely known and feared for the satanic eye painted upon its forehead, by some other worldly force. Then, a group of horses ran by, and tried to save I, but instead, they all died. In a fit of rage, I grabbed a pile of manure, and threw it in the serpent's face. The serpent died. Suddenly, a big mini-monkey appeared. He told I that if I wanted to revive the dead horses, I had to get the magical pineapple, from the deep depths of a magical cave that only existed on the MAGICAL ISLAND. So I heeded this monkey's words, and I went on a canoe nearby, made of spiffy-jiffy paste, and rode it to the cave. As I entered, a huge raspberry with six eyes attacked me. He said unto me, "If thou musteth have thyne a-magical, a- pinappenle, thou musteth capture the wizard of Oz."
"HOLY SHNIKEYS!!" I cried, "A TALKING RASPBERRY!!" So on I went to capture the Wizard of Oz, with his trusty Bolivian polka compact disc. We traversed through many frozen icy paths, until I realized, "O.M.G.! My nail polish is flaking off!! WHATEVER am I to DO?!?" I�s question was soon answered, when the big mini-monkey once again appeared before him. He showed I the PROPER way to be a lady. He said that many a time, teachers banging on school doors oft forget the mysterious person inside theirselves. This moved I in such a way, that I was encouraged to follow his conscience, and let it guide I to the sacred pineappenle within him.
As I reached the sunny end of the tunnel I - had to go really bad. I sat down on a stool, and watched as the brown paste smothered his rear, and so I wiped his butt with the big mini-monkey's face. I sighed such a sigh of poopy relief that I fell, no, TOPPLED over, and skewered his skull on a stalagmite. His head immediately began to gush ice cream. Then, all of the little pink bunnies of the land came forth, only to feast from the ever-flowing river of goodness. And as I watched as their furry faces dig into his frozen treat, I realized the way to the pineapple. I had to go through the chocolate chips encompassing his heart. Remember!! These were not just ANY chocolate chips. THESE, oh, these, YES, these were melt in your mouth, NOT in your hands chocolate chips. So onward, once again, I fought through the chocolate chips, AND the bunnies, towards the ever seemingly distant pineapple that was his, NO! That was the horses'. The ever DEAD horses'.
Upon his arrival to the Wizard of Oz's castle, a burden set upon I. Again, I thought of the brave horses, and his eyes swelled up with tears, as if from a bee sting. I must avenge the horses, and gain the magical pineapple, so forth he went, and knocked on the wizard's door. As the door slowly creaked open, I spied with his little eye, the infamous hairy elf that always greets at a wizard's door. I mean, they are so huge and hairy, like a huge hairy thing, but they have such little girly voices, and tiny pointy ears. WHY? The hairy elf told I that if I wanted to see the Wizard, I must melt the witch of the west. "SCREW THAT!!" I said. "I wanna see the wizard."
But the elf protested. He said, "Get the witch, and melt her, or else you don't get to see the WIZARD!" So I said, "Hold on a sec. I'm going to melt a witch, to capture a wizard, to bring him to a cave, with a talking raspberry, to get a pineapple, to resurrect dead horses? I must be dreaming.� Upon his words, I beat the elf with a stick, and entered the realm of the wizard. I slowly tiptoed down the dark, scary corridor, common to wizard castles, and I heard a big booming voice. You see, he�d already heard the story of the Wizard of Oz, so I knew to go and pull down that suspicious green curtain in the corner of the room, and there, I found that smelly old guy that pretended to be a wizard. "Watcha talking 'bout Willis?" he said. Now, I don't know about you, but he don't like little old men. So I beat him with a stick too! And then, I dumped him in a bag, to continue my quest, back to the raspberry. So I grabbed a nearby vine, also common to wizard castles and Tarzan movies, and swung back into the cave, to face the raspberry.
Once again, the raspberry leaped out in front of me. I told him, "Look, dumbbutt, I caught your old guy in a wizard's suit for you. Where's the pineappenle?" The raspberry stared at him for a few seconds and said, "Welcome to the Himalayas. How may I assist you?" So at that, I beat him with a stick, too. Then I stole the pineapple, and went back to avenge the horses. But the witch, whom I was previously told to melt, had already revived them. So I beat them all with a stick, and ate the pineapple.
THE END