Please leave this page now if you are unable to handle this topic.
for more information. The section of links to the left of the page entitled "WHY" is excellent...
...and into the calm???
When I was young it was either taught to me, or I improperly percieved that to display emotions such as anger or sadness was completely inappropriate.
My life as a self-injurer (SI-er) actually began when I was about 7.
My thoughts would get too disorganized, too radical and wild and I'd get in trouble for "having my head in the clouds" or "not paying attention". I was a super-sensative child and I learned, very quickly, how to put on a good "show" and how to help pull myself out of such states. And the method I learned and used was pain self-inflicted pain. As a little kid, I guess it was the only thing I could think of...
By the time I was about 13 I discovered knives and began attempting to "reprogram" myself... to make myself a "better" person. I used basic cause and effect... When I would do "X" then "Y" would occur. And "Y" was never really nice.
.....Ever so slowly I all but perfected the art of intuiting the emotions of others... and because I could empathize so completely I COULD NOT (except on extremely rare occasions) express anger or displeasure in the actions etc. of other people. But I would still have the anger and the anger would grow and threaten to consume me or the person I really had the issue with... So I "internalized" everything and took all that anger and rage out on myself- to do anything else was completely unacceptable...
And as I grew older my anxieties, depressions, and manias worstened- though back then I had absolutely no idea what was going on. I thought of myself as beyond weird and as something worse than detestable. I also became horribly vicious to myself verbally and emotionally on a mental level whenever I'd mess up.
So, when I cut it was usually for three main reasons:
To "correct" myself.
To "ground" myself when my thoughts would get too racey or my depression too severe.
And to release rage (or stay alive. Pent up rage is the fastest way for me to self-destruct).
This I did, off and on from around 1981 until 1998. I don't think my parents were ever aware of what I was doing- and neither did they know about a couple failed suicide attempts.
When I met my beloved husband and the Witnesses found me I thought that part of my life was over for good. And for about 6 YEARS I kept myself from physically scarring myself.
But, back in October 2003, I started to cut once again and it has been exceptionally hard for me to stay my hand. And until writing this today, no one knew except a couple of the Elders and a very dear friend.
I found out this weekend, that one of the meds I've been on for almost a year has been helping me "cycle" between highs and lows much too rapidly. Which in turn, clouded my vision and stole the bounce from my step. For almost a year I have felt spiritually dead, and thought my love for God and my zeal for the truth was only a bi-product of my defective mind. I had been questioning the very essence of my being.
I had accidentally run out of my mood stabalizer and for about 5 days I took zilch and felt SUPERB. My zeal had returned in force by day four. When I told my pdoc all of this today he looked so crushed because we thought the med had been working-- but we just hadn't been asking the right questions.
And my pdoc said that SI does make "sense" because certain pain can release similar chemicals in the mind which ease pain. He told me about a device used in pain management that releases an electrical current of sorts and said he suggestedit could be better... and here lately I've been thinking a lot about acupuncture- but there is MUCH to research.
Hopefully, this faulty coping mechanism of mine WILL be a permanent thing of the past very soon....