Why do we Poison our Fish?
I have no luck with girls. None. At all. Believe it or not, I am actually going to rant about this. Next thing I know, I'll be wearing shawls and quoting Chicken Soup in my blog. Why is this? I don't know. But I need to rant about it. Maybe because I've never really ranted about the whole thing before. I know I'm safe typing what I want on my site, I don't really worry about people actually reading anything, so I decided-what the hell.
Ok, I suppose I will be begin. Why is this? Why is it that I always seem to fail? I don't think 'Oh man, I need a girlfriend', and I never try to put the moves on or do any of these things that I'd think would be my downfall. Yet it always gets me nowhere. I end up building feelings for someone whether I like it or not, and then it all goes dead. It doesn't seem like it should have anything to do with who I am, because girls don't seem to have a problem with being my friend. But then, what is the problem? It's as though as soon as a girl 'finds out' (even if I don't have any such intentions for that girl) I 'like' them, Things Fall Apart (Achebe) and all of a sudden I'm out a friend, and in some cases, the girl I like. Am I really that bad? Is it really that bad to even be seen with me even if I DO like a girl? Why is it that my interest in a girl is always an automatic downfall? Why do they never give me a chance, even consider me as anything more? Maybe there's something about me that's really horrible that I don't understand; yet, how could I know if I don't understand it?
There have been too many examples of this. A year long struggle was slowly beaten into the earth more and more the more she found out I liked her, and she continued to detest me more and more with no reason to do so. My friends claim it was just the way she is, so I took it as an incidence that shouldn't count.
The next year comes. I meet a girl I think is really nice, and is to be sure a girl I could END UP liking...but don't at the time. We talk for a while, she seems to enjoy talking to me. Then someone decides for me that I like her. Somehow, although I don't know how (ahem), the next time I see this girl, she's hesitant and unwilling to be around me and tells lies to avoid making contact with me. I decide it was just bad luck because I didn't get to know her that well.
Perhaps two weeks or so pass and there's another girl I THINK I like who I'd been talking to during the school year. Well, I have no idea how it happened, but once the girl from two weeks before saw me talking to her. The next time I talked to the new girl, she seemed uneasy and not too happy to be talking to me. This continues to-date.
So what is so horrible about me? Why do girls seem to like talking to me, but then once they find out I might like them, I'm a horrible gorgon behemoth ettin stalker-rapist to be avoided at all costs (or at least to not be too friendly around?)
Well, I still don't know. However, it's led me to constantly debate with myself the futility of adolescent relationships, that's for sure. They will never last and are so short all they can bring are pain and stress. They provide grounds for embarassment, bad mistakes, discomfort and a feeling of a loss of innocence; all in all, considering how much people will change by the time they are about 20, 'love', should it deserve such a term, is an absolutely naive, hopeless, and ignorant thing to pursue until later years.
Reflection on all this shows that I'm just a lonely son of a bitch.
But hell, I might as well keep it that way. It's not like it's going to ever change any time soon.
Now time for some self-effacement.
The record-
I have...
Never had a girlfriend
Never engaged in any kind of romantic or sexual contact
Never been on a date
Never been asked to go on a date
Never been asked to a dance or some such
Never danced with a girl in an ultrafriendly manner
(not even a friendly manner I don't think but that's besides the point)
Never been actually liked by a girl
Never been NOT turned down in some way by a girl I like
Never had any kind of (good) experience
with girls in a non-friendly manner.
Yep.
