Weeks1

   Well it was touch and go there for a while.

   For the past 2 weeks my feelings of "Yes I Am", "No I'm Not" have been driving me crazy. I am not sure why I wasn't sure, all the symptoms were there!!! (Headaches, nausea, dizziness, tired, crampy, stomache aches, the works!)

   I was so sure when we got pregnant with Faith, I just knew. I have learned, since losing her, I doubt all of my feelings about my body. I am always wondering what is real and I make up in my own head because I wanted this so badly.

   I tested 10dpo.....negative!! I tested 11dpo......negative!! (Ok starting to get worried!) Meanwhile, although I know in my sane mind that this is too early to get a positive test my new pyscho brain is freaking out! There are girls on the message boards that are getting ++'s at 9dpo!!!! There is no way I am pregnant!!! UUGGH! For about 2 minutes I even vowed to not go to the boards anymore!! Even though they have become my 2nd home since losing Faith. I have met so many wonderful women and have found that, Other women who have experienced a loss are really the only ones who can really truly understand what you are feeling. Their support has become invaluable to me.

   Anyway, finally 12dpo!!! This is what I wrote to some of "my" girls, the morning of 12/8/01, that I told early! I HAD to tell someone!.............

This is the deal..........Cat woke me up at 5am cause she wanted some attention for some unknown reason! Gotta love her.

I always have to pee right when I wake up. I thought about it for like a second and was like uh yeah, I'm taking a test!! I've already made it through 2 really hard days (Faith's 3 month anniversary and Faith's due date) and 2 Negatives, It can't get any worse!!

So I took a First Response....I have been alternating brands of tests. Anyway.....right when I looked at it I swore I saw a line but then it went away as the pee moved across the window. :( I waited a min and looked again and thought maybe.... possibly.... there was the faintest of a line, but ya know it was 5AM and my eyes weren't really awake yet! So I decided to leave it there and go back to bed and I would check it at 6.

Well, that lasted about maybe 3 min tops....and I got back out of bed. Jim was like "whats up?!" in his sleepy not really awake but somewhat conscious voice. I was like "I am just too restless!! I'll be right back!" So I went back to the bathroom and looked again!! OK now I know there is a line!!! You made need a very strong magnifying glass to see it,
if you're anyone but me.... but IT IS THERE!

I ran back into the bedroom and asked Jim if he was awake enough to focus his eyes...and that he was going to think I was crazy but I swear there is a line there! (This is exactly what happened with Faith. I took a test and the line was sooooooooooooooooooooo light and since I didn't know anything about this stuff back then I threw it out thinking it was neg. It wasn't til I took another test a few days later that I realized it was a + test....well not THIS time, I know a line is a line! :) )

Ok so we're in bed and Jim doesn't want me to turn the light on cause he's still half asleep and ya know that whole bright lights first thing in the AM is a killer! (squinty eyes!) SO he has this little flashlight that we get out!! We are sitting there at 5AM with a flashlight analyzing this preg test!!! LOL So after a few secs he sees the line!!!! Hallelujah! I am not a nuttcase!

So, then I am still not sure. I run to the kitchen and go through the garbage (GROSS) to dig out the test I took 2 days ago, so we can compare. DEFINATE difference between the 2!!! :) Now 2 hrs later I am looking at it and it is still super faint but more noticeable! I feel like a kid in a candy store this morn!!!

Ya know This timing could not have been more perfect! I feel so fortunate that I had the last 2 days to think about Faith and "talk" to her and visit with her.....and after Jim and I left the cemetary last night I felt a little different. Like getting through her due date was another hurdle we crossed and added another sense of closure.

I was thinking all week that maybe my little angel girl would bring her mommy good news on her due date to help me get through it. But then I thought....well that is a special day for us and her and it isn't about anyone else....so maybe the day after will bring new hope and a new beginning.

And that is just what she did for us this morning! by letting us know that she is giving us a brother or sister for her to look after!

It also makes me realize that this is a child that would never have been conceived had Faith stayed with us here on earth. And that maybe this little one has more important work to do here, while Faith was needed in Heaven.

I hope I am not too early to be thinking all of this with just one very very light + line, but I can just feel it now!! And I am not (at least yet) as scared as I thought I would be. All I can feel this morning is hope and faith that this is going to be ok!!

We haven't really talked about when to tell our family and friends yet. We are thinking Christmas would be fun!! So we will probably do that. But yesterday after having these ++ tests, I felt like I needed to do something for myself....to remind me that I am in fact pregnant again!

    I went to the book store and bought a new pregnancy book that I didn't buy last time. (probably all the same info), but at least it's a new book to read, as I got up to month 7 in my other books and already know them by heart! I also found the last copy of a book called, "Pregnancy After A Loss" by Carol Cirulli Lanham. So I picked that up as well.

   I also felt like I needed to go see Faith. So I went to the cemetary and took a few photos of her stone. Last week we had decorated a small Christmas tree for her and just the day before on her due date we brought her a while rose and put it under the tree. Then I talked to her for a while and Thanked her for the wonderful new Blessing! (Most of what I felt that day I wrote in "A Letter To Faith" which I made a part if this site)

   Later on we were watching a movie at home and I was laying down reading my new "Preg after Loss" book, and it was like going back in time as this is how it used to be most nights when I was pregnant with Faith. Jim and I laying in the living room together watching TV and me reading my preggo books. It felt nice.

   Everything was going good until I got to a point in the book where they were talking about the risks of conceiving too soon after a loss and all the bad things that could happen! I felt a panic attack coming on and an "OH GOD! What have we done?!??!" feeling.....so I smartened up and dropped the book and decided when I picked it back up another day I wouldn't finish reading THAT part!!

It is hard to believe I am considered 4 weeks along alreay!! I love that about the 1st trimester you are already 1/3 through it by the time you find out you're pregnant!! I have so many feelings right now!!! Excited, Happy, Scared to Death, Nervous, Anxious, Still wanting my little girl back!!, feeling guilty that I am already thinking about the other baby growing inside me, Feeling like I am abandoning her and that we should never be happy about another baby!, Ready to go out and buy Maternity clothes and baby things again!!......They are all so jumbled together! It's exhausting!! I was tired enough last time with just the pregnancy, now there is a new pregnancy while we are still grieving! I know it will get to be too much at times but we just did not want to wait. And we know this is our miracle baby that was meant to be!

We'll see how I feel by the end of this week!.......................