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| Week 18 3/10/02 - 3/16/02 |
| My anxieties about the baby's heartbeat really kicked in this week.....I am at that stage in the pregnancy where the morning sickness and many of my early symptoms have subsided, yet the baby's movements are not consistent yet....so I feel like I have nothing to judge whether or not everything is going ok. I have been thinking about the heartbeat constantly, wondering if it is still beating. Finally at the end of the week, it got to be too much to take. I knew I couldn't be running to the doctor all of the time, so I broke down and ordered a doppler, so we can check the heartbeat at home. We have talked about this in depth, even before we got pregnant again and always decided that we wouldn't get one....but this overwhelming fear was taking over and this is the one thing I could think to do that would help ease my mind. I couldn't even wait for delivery, I needed that doppler in my hand RIGHT NOW! So I even got overnight delivery. I talked to Jim about it after I ordered it. He just shook his head at me : ) and then we made a few rules!! 1. I am not to use the doppler by myself... (I think he wanted this rule so I wouldn't be by myself if ever I couldn't find the heartbeat) 2. We can only use it a maximum of once a day 3. If we do not find the heartbeat one day, we will not go running to the doc. If we do not find it 2 days in a row then we will go to the doc. (I am still unsure if we would be able to keep this rule!) It came at the end of the week, and we gave it a try. It took us about 5 minutes to find it but we stayed calm cause we knew since it was our first try with it, it would probably take a while to find it. I was so relieved when we heard that familiar "woosh woosh woosh" sound.....I had had such a strong need to hear it.....ever since I have felt much better! I know there is so much more that can go wrong with this little one. I keep thinking of the 3 times we checked Faith's heartbeat with the doctor the week we lost her, and that still didn't prevent our loss. And what could we do if one day, the heartbeat just isn't there anymore...... But somehow, being able to hear it when we choose is reassuring and I guess all you can do is try and not concentrate on all the other possibilties..... I am still waiting for my AFP results!!!! The nurse said we would know Wednesday! So when my phone didn't ring I was so relieved! But Thursday I decided, I wanted to know what the results were, so I called and they weren't even back yet!! More waiting! More Worrying! My newest symptom is not being able to sleep. I can no longer sleep through the night due to having to go to the bathroom so often. When I get back in bed, I can't fall back asleep! It's frustrating, but I am trying to look at getting up frquently throughout the night as training for when this little one comes home! : ) |