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When I finally made it to the acceptance stage, I felt peace and understanding....
Receiving the news that your beautiful child has a neurological disorder is a devastating blow.� It is indeed like suffering the loss of a loved one.� After all, the image of your healthy child and the plans you have made for his/her future have suddenly "died" and you are faced with living with that loss.� Many parents , especially mothers, are left in "mourning" and indeed are entitled to grieve as such.� It is important to recognize that each family member may grieve differently.� Some may throw themselves into work or school, keeping themselves busy and involved.� Others dive head first into educating themselves about the disorder, intent on conquering it with knowledge.� Some may even seem to skip any kind of grieving process.� However you and your loved ones grieve, it is important to be respectful of the others' pain and how they cope.� Keep the lines of communication open and don't be afraid to cry.� Feelings of depression are justified and crying is very therapeutic!!
Denial & Guilt
"No way can this be happening!!� He was born so perfect!!� There must be a mistake!"
Does this sound familiar?� One day we're convinced that our child is perfectly normal, the next day we are reminded of why we sought a diagnosis in the first place. The roller coaster of denial has extreme peaks and valleys.� Seldom is there a parent who doesn't think, "Was it something I did, or didn't do?"� We sometimes strain our minds to remember our pregnancy, what we consumed, what we breathed even.� We try running through the oddities of other family members.� "Did this come from bad genes on my side of the family, the father of the child's family?"� Most commonly, parents are convinced that their child has been afflicted as punishment for something they did, said, or felt in the past.� These feelings of guilt are widely felt by the parents, especially immediately after the diagnosis, but will dwindle as you become more educated about the disorder.� Instead of feeling responsible for your child's disorder you'll focus on what you are responsible for: loving, and supporting this special child who will (believe it!) teach you more than you can imagine, and bring you great joy.
Shame & Isolation
There may be a period of time post-diagnosis when you feel as if you don't "fit" anywhere you go.� At church, you may feel as you are the only parent who has no control over your child, or you wonder if you will ever again be able to go out in public.� A feeling of shame nags at you, telling you that you should be able to control your child, because YOU are the parent, and YOU should be the one in charge!� The day to day isolation often created by these feelings can really take its toll if you don't seek support.� Talk about your feelings with your pastor, friend, counselor, support groups.� Knowing there are others struggling the same as you somehow make it easier to handle.� Often times of bonding with others puts your life back into perspective with the acknowledgment that your situation is not so unique and YOU are not alone!
Panic
"How do I tell my family...friends...my child's siblings?� What do I say?� How am I going to handle this?� Will I ever be able to go out?� Will my child ever be independent?� Does my child have a future?"� Most of us will run through all the "worst case scenarios" in our minds.� The diagnosis is the biggest hurdle for parents, because once you know what is wrong with your child, you want to become an overnight expert!� We are being conscientious parents who want the best of what is available for our children.� Now that we know what we are dealing with, there is no place to go but forward.
Anger
"Why Me?"� or more likely "Why MY Child?"� "How come there are people out there who could care less about their children, you may even think...I was careful and did all the right things while I was pregnant so why does my child have to be handicapped when this mother who drank and did drugs has a normal child?"� We all ask these questions.� We are angry that our children have to bear this burden and live a life with a disability.� The anger is deep, painful, and justified, but the energy that it creates can lead to some very positive things and metamorphosis into a thirst to educate yourself about mental disorders.
Bargaining
"I swear that I'll do everything, and more, if this will just go away.� I'll be nice to everyone.� I'll pray more in hopes that my child will be transformed into normal."� Bargaining is an if/then situation.� We fill in our "ifs" in the hopes that a "then" will make life easier for us and our child.� At this point we are reaching for hope, but we are not quite there yet.
Hope & Acceptance
In time, as you come to understand how mental disabilities affect the thinking process and how your child perceives the world, you will realize that all is not lost.� You'll know what is necessary to help your child, enabling you to deal more confidently with the array of professionals involved in your lives.� This is a major step in setting in motion programs specially suited for your child and family.� Soon, you will see your child as a unique individual....who just happens to have a disability.� This will not happen overnight.� You will have traveled a certain course or journey of divergence before you reach the point of hope and acceptance.� Along the way, some changes may have come to pass regarding your beliefs, your faith, your lifestyle, and especially your fears.� What you once considered a punishment may become a beatitude beyond comprehension.� You will see ordinary things in a new way, moments that others take for granted will be moments you cherish.� A realization that you have been given the opportunity to see the world through different eyes and feel it with an appreciation will mark the beginning of a new journey of promise and peace.� You have walked the walk, and now you must decide what to do with your new found wisdom.� Our children will continue to amaze and educate us even on the days we think we can't give anymore!� They are special!
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I have been very lucky to share this journey with my wonderful husband and my son's step father..we have been together since Steven was 7 months old, he has went to every evaluation with us, he was strong for me when I thought I couldn't carry on...when I was thinking about homeschooling Steven, he encouraged me....he has always been there for Steven.� We have been homeschooling since 1995 and it has been a blessing to our lives, my oldest son struggled with this circle of grief too.� So don't forgot that siblings hurt too and need to feel like life is not just about their handicapped brother/sister.� I hope this will help you understand the feelings you are having dealing with your child's mental disorder..
Steven is 19 years old now and when he smiles and kisses me all over and oh yeah...those HUGS...I know I have been blessed! Since I made this page, Kenneth and I divorced August 2004, he walked away from Steven...I am thankful for the years he was there for us, but I am wish he could see that Steven still needs him. Steven developed alot of anger and insecurities from our divorce. Steven loves unconditionally. You never know how your life can change, but God continues to give me the strength to take care of Steven.
You just have to keep on trying..... and keep the faith!
~God Bless You~
Created by Mom
With Love and Understanding
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