written: Charlotte
date: February 2004
note: Gundam Wing is copywritten and belongs to it's original owners. This is a Heero x Duo yaoi piece that I just adore. I purposely wrote Heero's POV in a more human way which I think sounds realistic while still staying true to the anime.
Part I
He was lying next to me, his face half shrouded in dark, the covers pulled up to his chin. The moonlight was gliding across one of his cheeks, but I felt no urge to reach out and finger that moon glow...because I didn't want to have to touch him in the process.
I lie back on the cool sheets and stare up at the ceiling. The Great Wars are long gone, but even in the dead of night my instincts were still intact; amidst the murmur of the city below, the small, lit lamp in the corner of the bedroom that acted as a night light, and the warm body next to me, the soldier in me still detected every movement. Every ten seconds, the kitchen faucet dripped one single drop. At three o'clock in the morning, cars still roamed the streets and faint sounds of talk and laughter rose into the air as people passed the apartment building. The hardwood floors in the small apartment would creak even though no body was upon it.
And then my thoughts came. I hate those things. I think being a soldier, a Gundam pilot even, is better than being a civilian. My body knows how to react to any situation as a soldier; my hands tight on my control panel, my legs tense in the cockpit, my eyes constantly moving, my ears listening to every crash, message, and scream surrounding me in battle. My mind never loses focus. Kill, destroy, protect. Pick one. But, real life is different. Situations are way too complex. Enemies are hard to spot, even harder to find is a good friend. But, I've always been a solitary creature so I don't really need close friends or lovers. So, this brings me back to my conundrum, the one that's lying next to me in my bed.
I blame Relena...
I knew that Relena hadn't chased me all over the universe just for her health. I thought of her as a nuisance back when we were teenagers, but one that held beautiful ideals and a strong spirit within her heart. It's hard to kill someone like that. Believe me, I've tried. After the two Great Wars ended, after doing my own thing for a while, I went to work for Relena's Sanq Kingdom Secret Service organization as an agent back here on Earth. I knew her feelings for me had matured over the years, but when she mentioned the words 'us' and 'relationship' in the same sentence at one point, I feigned total ignorance as to what the hell she was talking about. She took the hint eventually and I just take orders from her now, nothing else.
Damn these thoughts. I keep losing track of where they're all going. I'm slipping, no longer as focused as I once was. It pisses me off.
Back to Suoh...
Relena paired me up with a behind the scenes partner named Suoh because his forte is research; we collaborated on and off for various assignments. Once, he told me he realized who I was, that I was the one dubbed the 'Savior of the Universe'. It's ironic that I was some sort of 'Chosen One.' When the Scientists, my fellow Gundam pilots, and even enemies kept referring to me as such I thought they were crazy. And maybe they were. There's nothing special about me. I just do what I have to do to survive. I told Suoh to never refer to me that way, even gave him a famous Death Glare, and that was the end of that. But, I knew that I still fascinated him, and when I realized that he was attracted to me, I got scared. It was a strange feeling because I've rarely ever felt it. I guess that's why I was named 'The Perfect Soldier' back then too. But, everyone was wrong there as well. Yeah, I'm a damn good solider, but Trowa was better at infiltration and espionage. I just blew up whatever and whoever pissed me off. Anyway, Suoh developed a serious attraction to me. I have to admit, he's a nice guy.
It's too bad I hate nice. It's boring, simple and predictable. But, Suoh fits that description. His looks are plain, but he has a sweet smile. He's good at his job and he's very dedicated to it. He's practical in every way. And he's in love with me. Where's a damn self detonation device when you need one?
One evening as we finished planning a mission, I leaned over a map to give it one last look and Suoh comes up behind me and kisses me on the neck. I remember going cold. Yeah, not too hard for me to do, I know. I turn toward him and just stare at him, and as I open my mouth to speak, he grabs my face and kisses me. For some stupid reason, my stupid human instincts kick in and my stupid mouth responds. To cut a long story short, we hung out more, went on a few dates, and eventually became that dreaded thing called a 'couple'. My softer side kicked in and I let him move in with me which means I've allowed our relationship to go on for about four months now. I basically dug my own grave there, and that's why at this moment, as I lie in bed, I'm six feet under.
I know most people don't think I have a heart. True, there was a time when I only used to know the dictionary's definition of a smile. Back during the years of the Great Wars, Duo used to joke that it wasn't possible that I had a heart because there was no way my tank top and spandex could hide it anywhere.
Duo...
Stupid thoughts. The last thing I need is for him to invade my mind. But, he always has and I really don't want them to stop. There was something about him that sparked an interest the day we met. He shot me in the leg, the little bastard, while I was on a mission to destroy Relena, my Gundam and myself. We worked together on missions sometimes during the Wars, but I never told him what I thought of him. I admire the guy's strength and skill, and most importantly, his sense of humor during dark situations. Trowa and I make a great team because we're so similar, but Duo and I can kick major ass when we want to and it's never quiet when he's around. But, we lost contact around two years ago after I went to work for Relena.
I try to keep in touch with Quatre and Trowa, both of which live happily together in one of Quatre's mansions on L4. In a conversation with Quatre, as I asked about fellow pilots, he mentioned that Duo had dated Hilde for a while, but they broke it off and went back to being friends because their relationship was riddled with rough spots. I remember my stomach tightening when I heard that Duo had been with Hilde. Is that was jealousy feels like? I haven't spoken with Quatre for a while now, and all I know is that Duo lives and works on L2. Speaking of Quatre and Trowa, I was surprised when the Wars ended and I found out they were in a relationship with each other. This whole boy-love thing is strange, even though I've never seen two people who really love one another like they do. It makes you wish you had something like that in your own life.
Damn. At twenty, I'm becoming weak and that pisses me off too.
Suddenly, the covers twitch and I hear a soft voice.
"You're still awake?"
"Go back to sleep. I'm fine."
Suoh's brown eyes were a bit blurry from just having woken up, but he looked at me for a long moment before nodding and curling up again.
I don't really touch him anymore. I used to because I didn't want to see the hope in his eyes to be replaced by sorrow. Now, I don't care. What's unnerving is that I think he knows my feelings, or lack of them, and sticks around in hopes of changing me. It's not for the sex, that's for sure, because we haven't had any in two months.
I want to leave my life here and disappear for a while. It's half past four now and my thoughts are still moving. Glancing around the room, I spy a pen and pad of paper on my desk. Yes, it's cruel to just run out like this with only a note of explanation, but I've never obeyed the rules. Hell, I'm the Savior of the Galaxy and I can do whatever I want.
Slipping silently from the bed, I grab my faded jeans from the nearest chair and pull them over my boxers. The cold is pricking my skin, but I ignore it and quickly scrawl out a message, telling Suoh that I'm leaving for good, that I'm sorry, that he can do whatever he wishes with the apartment, and to tell Relena that I ditched town. Without a sound -- even the wood floor is cooperating -- I fill a duffle bag with whatever I can think of before yanking on a sweatshirt and stepping into some boots and edging out the door.
Now, where to go? As I stand on the sidewalk and stare out, I feel a smirk coming on at that last thought. Who am I kidding? I'm headed to L2.
Part II