| > 6 april 03 'wishful thinking' i'm sitting here listening to my 'realone player', to some of the 'cowboy bebop' soundtrack [excellence by yoko kanno, of course] at 11:45 at night. i love this time. it's still, so silent and dark, but not scary like when you're young [i really did think monsters from beneath my bed might grab me; now, there are worse things to fear]. i'm mulling over my future dreams. at this point in my life, i am at an in-between stage when nothing terrible is happening, yet nothing is really moving forward. it's this waiting stage where god is teaching me patience. but it does make me snap every once in a while and i end up in tears and i'm praying for something, anything to move, and then god wipes all fears away and renews my faith and i start anew. i'm going to be 21 this september. strange how age suddenly occurs to you. when you're six or ten or even seventeen, you don't really grasp that you're growing older. you look at your older siblings, your parents, grandparents and in the back of your mind you know you'll become something similiar [whatever that is; crotchety, ancient, exciting, wrinkled, successful, rich, happy, alcoholic, sad, a mother / father, etc.]. it's beginning to hit at 20. i think about my future, about what i may become. i can see myself married to a beautiful man someday [would love if he were a photographer] whose personality helps to balance / complete me, someone a little like myself, someone a bit opposite; i honestly would rather adopt children if i have any at all, but that's up in the air of course; i haven't a clue as to what profession i will claim [at the moment, i fancy myself a writer / artist] and i still debate over whether to attend school or travel the globe or something thereof; i love the thought of living in a flat within the life and bustle of a large city, but i love the quiet of a country cottage as well. no one knows what destiny has to offer, how fate will smile or frown. i've looked up 'destiny' in the dictionary [but honestly, somebody had to make this stuff up; how do we know it's true? hm] and it says 'the seemingly inevitable course of events.' so when people speak of changing their destiny, is it all futile? or do we walk down all the appropriate paths [good and bad] and that was how life was to unfold? curiouser and curiouser, said alice. we are the ones who make or break our future in the end, so the responsiblity of our actions rests on our shoulders alone. we choose to die in poverty or in riches [for the most part anyway], and who we marry [i'm hoping i only do that once; i believe in fairy tale love], and how psycho our kids turn out [they watch us, remember?] and how educated / talented we are. i'm trusting that god is guiding me along the correct paths, but i do know what i wish to have in the future, and maybe someday i'll gain those dreams. or maybe, i'll gain something better... |
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