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I tried to sniff coke once, but got an ice cube stuck up my nose!
Last night, I looked up at the stars, and wondered where my ceiling went.
Cursing solves all problems.
Growing old is mandatory...growing up is optional!
I wouldn't want to be normal even if I knew what it was.
People think I'm crazy, but actually I'm just bored.
One day we'll look back on this, laugh nervously, and then change the subject.
There are three kinds of people in this world; those who can count and those who can't.
It's all funny until someone gets hurt. Then it's hilarious!
Do you mind? I'm trying to ignore you.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
5 out of every 4 people have trouble with fractions.
Take life one disaster at a time.
Yesterday I was lost in thought; it was unfamiliar territory.
No problem is too big to be ignored.
A day without the sun would be like, well, night.
First you say I'm nobody. Then you say nobody's perfect. Therefore, I'm perfect. Thank you.
You say crazy like it's an insult.
My cat can beat up your cat.
You laugh because I'm different. I laugh because you're all the same.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live!
My mom pays me to be nice to you.
What a nice planet it would be without humans.
I think, therefore I'm single.
Not all who wander are lost.
Before giving a piece of your mind, be sure you have enough to spare.
Be the kind of person you always wanted your parents to be.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
You're vilage called. They're missing an idiot.
If you have something to say, raise your hand and place it over your mouth.
How may I ignore you today?
Does dark have a speed too?
I'm the kind of person my parents want me to stay away from.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
I used to have a friend, but then the rope broke and he got away.
Support your local undertaker - drop dead!

Guys&Girls, etc:
First God created man, but then He had a better idea.
God made mud, God made dirt, God made guys so girls could flirt!
I ran up the door, closed the stairs, said my pajamas, and put on my prayers. Turned off the bed and hopped into the light. All because you kissed me goodnight!
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?

Dry Humor:
If you want something done, ask a busy person.
People never say "It's only a game" when they're winning.
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with "Quit while you're ahead"?
I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
Only in America do people order large fries, double cheeseburgers, and a diet coke.
You know you're too stressed if you can hear mimes.
(A classified ad)Free puppies; 1/2 cocker spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbors dog.
Never argue with a fool. He may be doing the same thing.
If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Chicken: the only animal you eat before they're born and after they're dead.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Why are wrong numbers never busy?
Is the problem ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care.
All generalizations are false.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.