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As Goodgulf stepped onto the bridge, the passage echoed with an ominous dribble, dribble, and a great crowd of narcs burst forth. In their midst was a towering dark shadow too terrible to describe. In its hand it held a huge black globe, and on its chest was written in cruel runes, "Villanova."

"Aiyee," shouted Legolam. "A ballhog!"

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Frodo:Gandalf, there's something down there.
Gandalf:It's a camera man. He's trying to get a good shot of us.


(After Frodo offers the ring to Galadriel)
Galadriel: Is there a reason you keep offering this ring to people? Do you like seeing us go all creepy? Sadist...


(Legolas and Aragorn talk near the ending)
Aragorn: So you can�t technically die of disease or cold or anything like that, right?
Legolas (looks guarded): I suppose.
Aragorn: So why do you wear clothing at all? Just a thought.


Gandalf:Fly, you fools!Fly, fly, fly(voice rising in pitch to a cackle)fly, my pretties!Ah ha ha ha!!
(Everyone starts flapping their arms wildly and making monkey noises)


(Legolas stares at Frodo after he has dropped the Ring for the umpteenth time)
Legolas: I�ve got to wonder�if you made the Ring into an earring, wouldn�t it stay on better? (The Fellowship is amazed.)
Boromir: We can pierce his ear with my sword!


Merry:I know, really! You�re always going, "I�m cold," or, "I�m hot," or, "This doesn�t taste like steak!"
Frodo:Well, it didn�t.
Frodo:Well, I�m still cold. Is it warm in Mt. Doom?
Boromir:Yup, it�s very warm. Very, very warm. It would probably be a good idea for you to jump right in with all that warmness.
Aragorn:Don�t listen to him, Frodo. He just wants your Ring.
Frodo:He can have it if he gets me a cup of hot chocolate.


(The hobbits are running through the woods away from the Ringwraiths. Frodo runs into a pair of legs and looks up)
Frodo:Who are you?
Tom Bombadil:Sir-Not-Appearing-In-This-Film apparently.

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Comments Overheard During "The Fellowship of the Ring"

1) Heard in back of theatre after Gandalfs speech to Frodo about the One Ring...To rule them all...darkness bind them...(clearly trying to frighten him)
"MUWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAA"

2) Moments after Boromir cuts himself on sword, Saying, "Still sharp..." "Well, fancy that! Steel, still sharp...Dolt."

3) Said at the end of film when Sam is running out to go with Frodo on the boat to Mordor:
"Ohhhhhhhh, the hobbits are LITTLE people..."

Things You'll Never Hear From LOTR Charcters:

1)Sauron:Let's all find a peaceful solution...
2)Sam:Frodo, buzz off!
3)Gollum:After extensive speech therapy, I am happy to announce that I am now fluent in several forms of communication and am quite able to pronounce my "S"�s without the slightest difficulty.
4)Arwen:[To Aragorn]Hey, screw you. I�m gonna live FOREVER, man!
5)Galadriel:WASSSUUUUUUP?
6)Legolas:Omigod I�m out of arrows!
7)Legolas:I agree with Boromir! Sit down and shuttup, Strider!
8)Arwen:Oh my God! I�m growing a BEARD!

5 Really Great 'No Mere Ranger' Spoofs:

1)BOROMIR: And what does a RANGER know of this land's plight?!
LEGOLAS: *stands up, and opens his mouth. However, before he can say anything, he's interrupted by-*
STRIDER: More than you do, Denethor's boy!!
BOROMIR: Why you...!
*scufflescuffle*

2)BOROMIR: And what does a RANGER know of this land's plight?!
LEGOLAS: *stands up* This is no mere Ranger, Boromir of Gondor! For he is Aragorn, son of Arathorn, and you owe him your tax money.
*pause*
BOROMIR: ...oh shit...
COUNCIL: Uhh...

3)BOROMIR: And what does a RANGER know of this land's plight?!
LEGOLAS: *stands up* This is no mere Ranger, Boromir of Gondor! For he is Aragorn, son of Arathorn...which is all well and good, but he doesn't have pointy ears like me. ^.^
BOROMIR: . . .

4)BOROMIR: And what does a RANGER know of this land's plight?!
LEGOLAS: *calmly* Not much.
*pause*
ARAGORN: *cough COUGH Legolas cough COUGH COUGH*

5)BOROMIR: And what does a RANGER know of this land's plight?!
LEGOLAS: *stands up* This is no mere Ranger, Boromir of Gondor! For he is-*suddenly spazzes out* AAAACK I CAN'T *TAKE* IT ANYMORE!!! THE FANGIRLS, THE FANGIRLS WISH TO DEVOUR MY SOOOOOOOOOUL!!! *takes out one of his bowknives* KAMIKAZE!!! *commits sepukku (eg, a sorta suicide for honor thing. Damn me and my Japanese history classes)*
*longish pause*
GANDALF: ...we need a new Elf.
GLOIN: I hear ya can get half a dozen for a buck-fifty at K-mart...

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(Gandalf and Bilbo are sitting and smoking as they watch the party. Stoned off their asses)
Bilbo:(blows a smoke ring)
Gandalf:(blows a smoke clipper ship that sails through the ring)
Bilbo:(blows a smoke B-52 that crashes into the ship)
Gandalf:(blows a smoke helicopter that comes to the burning ships, lets down a ladder and starts rescuing people)
[long pause]
Bilbo:Grooovyy...
[long pause]
Bilbo:You always win.

(shot of Frodo leaning on the tree. We all know he�s got the piece of grass in his mouth) Frodo:(runs to the road and sees Gandalf. He smiles widely) Hallo, Tom! I was wondrin� when you was gonna show yourself back up!(jumps into the wagon)Let�s go steal a pie from your Aunt Polly! Or go to the graveyard at midnight and witness a murder! Or find some buried treasure and get filthy rich!
Gandalf:(confused)What the heck are you talking about?!?
Frodo:Don�t you at least wanna go raftin� down the ol� Mississip and make everyone at home think we�re dead?
Gandalf:(utterly aghast) I told you to lay off the weed!!!

(Elrond greets Gandalf upon his arrival at Rivendell)
Gandalf:Elrond, Lord of Rivendell.
Elrond:Gandalf the Grey. It is long since we saw you. These are troubled times, but you are welcome, provided you do not bring ill tidings of Saruman betraying us, the orc armies massing in the east and the One Ring having been found.
Gandalf:Right. See you later then. (Turns and leaves)

Legolas: Is this going to turn into a self-insertion fic?
Michelle:*stammers* Errr� of course not silly! I, err, just wanted to, um, congratulate you on your astounding, sexy� I mean, amazing victory.
Legolas:* looks around nervously* Anyone? Help?
Michelle:* grabs Legolas and steals him out of the fic*
Legolas:HELP ME!!!!!!!*voice fades away*
Boromir:Hey guys, where�s Legolas?
Everyone:*shrugs*
Gimli:Let�s move on, shall we?
Aragorn:Good idea.

Legolas: Gandalf...I don't know how to say this...other than to just say it...I'm pregnant.
Elrond: Welcome, Gimli son of Groin...oops, sorry, Gloin...


For all Fans:

A little bit of Aragorn in my life
A little bit of Boromir by my side
A little bit of Frodo�s all I need (uh-huh!)
A little of Pippin�s what I seek
A little bit of Samwise in the sun (hey, that�s clever!)
A little bit of Merry all night long (!)
A little bit of Legolas�here I am!!
A little bit of�all of them�makes me a fan...

(Council of Elrond)
Elrond: Who will take this Ring on its perilous journey?
Everyone:*silence*
Elrond:Well, I guess we�re all doomed then. Thanks for coming out.
Everyone:* gets up and leaves*