journal

Thoughts of a Webmistress

12-16-03
Alright, I have finally actually moved, and have come to the very shocking conclusion that Idon't like my new house! I don't know why, it's a perfectly fine house, well... anyway. Mimmy keeps trying to find ways of making things so I'll like them, like she painted my shelves for me before even unpacking her room, which i'm grateful for, but... AH! I'm so conflicted about it, to quote "Analyse This". Rump 288 gave me a really weird look when I told her I love Dan Akroyd, how can I explain to her what I like? She's still at the m+m level where physical traits are the main basis for attraction. Not that anyone else reads this, but it sometimes scares me what goes on in my head. If they could hear it all, they maybe would understand. The main thing that catches my eye is eccentricity, in fact with Deegee* I didn't even know what he looked like until the plays, I only knew about his quirks and personality, and that alone was enough to base my stalkings off of. Now, for those of you who don't know me, no I am not a crazy/dangerous stalker, I would never do something to hurt them. (or anyone unless they threatened my family) I basically find out where they live so I can do an analysis of how they turned out the way they did by seeing how they interact with people at school and at home. You know, things like; are they close to their parents, do they have a religion they care about, are they an only child, have they ever moved, how they act with their friends, what they do when they are alone. (that one's hard, sometimes you have to catch them at a library or other secluded place.) Ok, now that I have come off as creepy, I think I'll change the subject. We finally finished Titanic, wonderful movie.

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1-14-03
Alright, I'm feeling very abandoned right now because like always I was told to stay and keep guard while everyone else gets to fight. No wonder I'm so introverted, I'm left alone so much I've become dependent of myself. I've found a serious connection to Andy Kauffman, which helps me with Project Human Connection. Before I "knew" him I didn't have an explanation for some of my "quirks". Now atleast I know I'm not alone in being so different and misunderstood. And I don't mean that in some juvenile sense of the world "not knowing about how rough life is" or any of that other immature crap a lot of kids pull now adays. Is there a point where a person loses complete connection with human emotions, where they are unable to distinguish people for what they are? I've already passed the stage where I can connect with people I don't know, it's scary thinking I could be gone before the end of the year. No one knows the inner monologues have turned to dialougues, if they did, I know I'd be gone. What scares me the most though, is not me going, it's what happens after I go. Obviously unless I kill myself or become homocidal, I'll probably still be functioning enough normally on the outside. I've been this way long enough I think I'll be able to hide it long enough until... well maybe not that long. Some kids like to say they're psychos, but they have absolutely no idea what it's like. Think I'll go fix the lotr page now.