JunkMail

Junk Mail

By Fade

After countless hours of meditation (all performed watching such intellectual masterpieces as Kung Pow, Better Off Dead, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer) I’ve finally unlocked one of the mysteries of the universe. It goes without saying of course that I am writing to share this mystery with my fellow Americans. Why you might ask?

Some might assume it is because true knowledge is the domain of all people, others that I am just exceptionally selfless. The truth is I, like all truly enlightened individuals, just want you to send twenty dollars to me so you can join AMWAY, I mean so that you too can attain enlightenment.

Back to the issue at hand, lets talk about that mystery. I’ve long had a fascination with the idea of karma, partially due to the fact that when I was a toddler I thought it was some kind of candy. As I’ve matured, I’ve realized that most religions believe that in the end we get what we sow, or deserved to be reaped, or at least that Saddam Hussein doesn’t really need 42 palaces.

Unfortunately, there really hasn’t been any yardstick by which we could measure how we were doing. For example, look at your average celebrity. Most of them seem to be reaping quite well, all the while doing the kinds of things that every major religion has proclaimed to be wrong, like watching daily reruns of Survivor.

The key lies right before us all. You can tell how you are doing in the cosmic scale of things with one simple indicator. Spam. Junk mail, electronic harassment, however you want to look at it those messages from SAVE NOW, and VIAGRA MASTER provide a great service to humanity. For those of you that are still trying to figure out why Survivor is being filmed in one of Saddam’s palaces next season, let me just explain that he promised to execute the most annoying person from each tribe, and then get back to the topic.

Obviously, the type and amount of spam we get is the perfect measure of which way we are headed and how quickly we are going to arrive. I hear that Tom Cruise watches lots of something, and someone completely unaffiliated with him told me that he sometimes gets electronic junk mail. In an example that strikes a little closer to home, just the other day I got 18 messages from a variety of people trying to help me increase my bust size. I took that as a bad sign since I’m not sure what busts are, and immediately went out and helped an old lady with swastika tattoos cross the street. When I got back the Al Qaeda had sent me a very personalized letter asking me to donate forty dollars to the fund to “Build Saddam another Palace.”