Finals

By Fade

Hello all

I'm just about to plunge headfirst into the raging torrent of liquid nitrogen that we affectionately call finals. I've put my self-contained environment suit on-both to maintain a constant temperature, and because it will serve me well incase someone slips a neurotoxin into the nitrogen.

Last year I tried to just kayak the stream, but found that at such low temperatures, my kayak became exceedingly brittle, and shattered at the slightest contact with any objects (washed up pencils, textbooks, and the occasional comatose student)-not only that, my hands got cold too.

Luckily I was able to get a hold of this suit, which is guaranteed, to keep-you-alive-during-finals-no-matter-what-they-try-to-do-to-you or they will refund the appropriate sum to your heirs, or roommates, whichever still happen to be alive. I'm especially excited about the guarantee-the suit cost $10,000 and if my roommate can find another $ .50 that will buy him a text book for next semester. (no heirs yet-I think it has something to do with a plague that decimated the stork population three years ago in Logan)

Just incase I don't make it, I want to thank everyone who has helped me make it through the last few months. First and foremost, my "dealer" who has supplied me with all kinds of controlled chemical goodies, ranging from aspirin (prohibited because it can decrease pain and suffering), to beer with alcohol levels approaching the stuff they sale in Idaho, and neurotoxins (the professors here aren't the only ones who can use derivatives of black widow venom). I would also like thank my friends who have provided a support group for those times I wanted to do something unwise and highly illegal like get more than 3 hours of sleep each night, or eat a balanced meal. Also deserving of mention is my self defense instructor for teaching me how to escape from a variety of possibly lethal holds (new this year university employed assassins). I'd especially like to thank one of my professors for reminding me on a semi-weekly basis that I'm not going to Harvard, and will therefore have suffered through all of this to have the earning potential of my dog Fluffy when I graduate (incidentally, at Harvard and other "real" learning institutions, they have moved beyond such petty things as neurotoxins and steroid enhanced assassins to nuclear arms proliferation, and Def-con levels. In fact, I'm told that a little misunderstanding over whether or not Florida-style re-grades would be allowed nearly wiped out everything on the other side of the Mississippi.) Lastly, I want to thank my aforementioned dog Fluffy for sacrificing herself by eating a neurotoxin laced copy of the campus newspaper meant for me (I have since ascertained that the paper was placed by the Computer Science department in an attempt to silence my protests about 45 hour assignments-Fluffy, I swear I will avenge you even if it means that I have to go to Harvard and learn the secrets of nuclear warfare.)

As all of you prepare to take your finals this week, I wish you good luck, may you escape every stranglehold, fill in each circle completely, and never have your Uzi jam at a critical moment.

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