I wake up to the sweet smell of her hair and the touch of her eyes. I stop myself in the middle of existence and wonder how I got where I am. I was so different. Everything has changed and keeps changing. Life keeps moving so fast, I hope it keeps this monentum. I often reflect on the past. the problems that plauged me that I then viewed as life shattering now seem dull and trivial. Memory is not a very trustworthy friend. She stretches and distorts. Things I remember loving I feel complete disinterest towards now. It happens with everything. even people. Change isnt something that can be helped. The only absolute in life is that it will end. That is such a strong weight to have over your head. The fact that you will die. I will never forget, even if I out grow this. I hope that never happens. Not with her. But if we grow part, then I'll have everything we were.
2
Everybody has an opinon, they all think they know whats going on. They say they know how it feels. They say they love what theyre doing. right, wrong, why do you have to pick a side? The general state of this place is depressing at best. everyone is confused, so they pick a pre paid opinion. I am confused too. I am more than confused. I am lost. But I do not say I know. I think. I get fed up very easily now. Fed up with my life, my self, my work. I forget what its about sometimes. Why I allow myself to breathe. You can do everything, but maintaining it is hard. Starting to do something is hell. It mocks you and taunts you until you give up out of anger. Until you stop and look at yourself, nothing is real. Its all just other people. look at youself and think about what you are. What you want to be. Register your beliefs with your self, or they arent really there.
3
I try to tell myself that its okay. that the world isnt as fucked up as I think it is. It dosent work. I cannot lie to myself now. I feel a great loss of times, Like I have lost myself, or a close friend. I wonder if I have. If I have, I dont know who they are. I dont know why they left, if they ever existed.So many people come in and out of my life. So many faces, so many lives. I remember the constant walking. I remember the feelings of disgust as I left my other self behind. It is not simple. It dosen't just leave. This is your whole state of mind. It left slowly, like built up feces falling from a hole.You change and you move. You move and you keep moving. You move until youre standing still with a new face on.