I spend too much time staring at this screen. I feel guilty for being myself sometimes. I feel I should be better than this. That I should be more of a complete human being. Itws hard to not listen to everything that people tell you about yourself. far too much of yourself is gained from other people. Your self perspective should be just that, your perspective of yourself, by yourself. Too much shit gets in my head. Not that I dont want other peoples opinions. Not at all. I simply want to know what I think before I know what is thought about me. Sometimes it seems as if I am not even thinking for myselff. If it is not other people, it is a stereotype that I fall into. I end up thinking a certain way because I feel I should. Many a time this is not me.
2:
Eating too much makes you feel fat. so stop eating. Now you feel skinny. Yay. I'm happy for you but I really dont care. My friend is in love, but she dosent love him. I felt sorry for him. Then I just felt mad. Not at her, but him. Its hard to explain, but it seems like I mean nothing now. To him, I mean. Its very Ironic though, because if this is true it is rather deserving of me. I am not an overwhelmingly good friend. I try, but I dont think I am. I am very confused about my life, but I know I am in love. I hate the way it sounds to say that. To be honest, I dont believe he is in love, my friend. Love is two sided and must be returned. Until this act, it is more or less obsession. No matter how strong it is. Of course, defining things is silly, but it is a nessesary part of existence. Especially individual existence. You must tear apart everything you have ever been told and create your own opinions. your own self.
3:
I am tired of hearing people talk about art in terms of feeling or emotion.As an artist, I understand these things and their placement in art, but they are used too often to have meaning. Something can be 'emotional', but this , like everything, is subject to individual opinion. I am annoyed when my art is placed in these terms. I would like to think as what I create as 'emotional', but this only gos to a certaint extent. To take this farther and say that if you dont feel something from this that it is not art is stupid. Any mode of creation is art. The act of creating is what art is.
4:
I wonder sometimes if my wants are really my wants. if I really want to do this thing. Many times I find myself not doing something because I suspect this. I have not come to any real conclusion, but I know I do many things for a short period of time and then Discard them. I used to feel that it was worthless to do these things, as they die quickly, but I have rethought it out and I think now that it is not useless. An experience is an experience and there are few that I can not benifit from, save those of harm, but even those can be very useful if done correctly. ithink I think too much. Maybe I do. I wonder if this will make sense. I wonder if anyone will ever get anything from my art. If they will get anything from anything I do. I'm not sure if I really care.