The One Where They’re Up All Night

Written by: Zack Rosenblatt
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: The Building’s Roof, the entire gang plus Tag are there to look for a comet. They’re looking for a comet on a roof of a New York apartment building. Yeah, that’s realistic. You might as well look for the moon on a bright sunny day.]

Monica: (looking up) Ross, when’s this comet thing start?

Ross: Well, technically it seven billion years ago… (Well, technically you’d be able to see it for days, well nights; that is if you could see it with all of the bright lights of New York.)

All: (groaning) Oh no! Oh no! (They all start to get up a leave.)

Ross: Okay! Okay! Fine, I’ll stop! No teaching, okay? We’ll just watch the pretty light streaking across the sky. (Comets don’t streak across the sky, meteors do.) Okay? Who’s official name is Bapstein-King.

All: Okay! Okay! (They start to leave again.)

Phoebe: (looking up) There it is! Oh, look at that! Isn’t Mother Nature amazing?

Chandler: (looking up with her) That’s a plane!

Phoebe: Well, all right. 1700 bags of peanuts flying that high, that’s pretty amazing too.

Tag: Hey, I wonder if you can see my apartment from up here.

Rachel: No. No, you can’t.

Tag: What?

Rachel: Oh I don’t-I don’t know.

Ross: Man, look at all those stars! (Yeah, you can see what? Five of them from the city?) Infinite space. It really, really makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

Joey: (looking through his binoculars at a nearby building) Y’know what else makes you wonder?

Ross: Huh?

Joey: Check out the rack on this chick! (Turns around to point it out to Ross and finds that Ross is glaring at him. So he quickly puts his binoculars to his eyes and starts looking for the comet.)

Opening Credits

[Scene: The Roof, continued from earlier.]

Monica: Okay, we’ve been out here for two hours and we haven’t seen any stupid comets. Can we go now? I mean, Chandler’s getting chilly. (She walks over to where Chandler is bundled up in a big coat and shivering.)

Chandler: (with a quivering voice) No, I’m not!

Joey: Then why are you wearing Monica’s jacket?

Chandler: Because it’s flattering! (Shivers harder) Come on Monica! Come on Monica! (He goes inside.)

Rachel: Yeah actually, I think we’re gonna take off too. We rented a movie.

Phoebe: Oh! I won’t say, ‘no’ to a movie!

Rachel: Uh Pheebs, we just actually kinda wanted to be alone.

Phoebe: Shh! Get me out of here.

Rachel: Oh. (They leave, leaving just Joey and Ross.)

Joey: (whispering) Ross!

Ross: What?

Joey: Come here, check this out!

Ross: What? Is it the comet? (Runs over to where Joey’s standing.)

Joey: No! No-no. Look, there’s a bug stuck in tar right here. (Bends down to get a closer look.)

Ross: Joey come—I can’t believe—I bring you here to see the Bapstein-King comet, one of nature’s most spectacular phenomenon, and all you care about are bugs stuck in tar and-and some woman!

Joey: (standing up) Y’know, there’s two women dude.

Ross: Show me where?

Joey: Right-right up here. (Starts looking at them