The One With All The Candy

Written by: Wil Calhoun
Directed by: David Schwimmer
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen

[Scene: Central Park, Ross is teaching Ben how to ride a bike. Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are they also.]

Ben: (on the bike) I’m ready!

Ross: You sure?

Ben: Uh-huh!

Chandler: Okay, let me just straighten out your helmet there. (Does so.)

Ben: (To Chandler) Thanks daddy.

Ross: No-no, one daddy, two mommies. All right, it’s all yours. (Ross pushes him off.)

Chandler: Okay. Okay.

Ross: Yes! Yes! Yes!! (Everyone stands and claps.)

Phoebe: His first big kid’s bike, this is so exciting!

Monica: Oh yeah, I remember mine! Ohh, it was my sixth birthday, my dad took me to the park, I got it, and…it bent.

Ross: Yeah.

Phoebe: I never had a bike of my own.

Ross: (shocked) What?!

Phoebe: Well, we didn’t have a lot of money. But the girl across the street had the best bike! It was pink and it had rainbow colored tassels hanging off the handle grips, and-and-and a bell and this big, white wicker basket with those plastic daisies stuck on.

Chandler: That sounds like my first bike. (They all turn and look at him.) My dad gave me his old one.

Ross: Ohh.

Monica: Did the girl ever let you ride it?

Phoebe: No! But she gave me the box that it came in. It had a picture of the bike on the front. (They’re all speechless) So I would sit on it and my step-dad would drag me around the backyard.

Ross: That is so unfair!

Phoebe: Not really, I got to drag him around too! (They all nod, "Oh.")

Opening Credits

[Scene: Monica, Chandler, and Phoebe's, Monica is cooking, Joey is eating, and Chandler is entering from the bedroom.]

Chandler: Hey! What are you guys doing?

Joey: Hey.

Monica: Making holiday candy for the neighbors.

Chandler: I’m sorry, who?

Monica: I’m gonna hang this basket (Points to the one sitting on the table) on the door and when the neighbors walk by they can all take a piece.

Chandler: But we don’t know the neighbors.

Joey: I do. There’s uh, let’s see, Guy With a Mustache, Smokes-A-Lot Lady, Some Kids I’ve Seen, and A Red-haired Guy Who Does Not Like To Be Called Rusty.

Monica: See? This is exactly why I’m making this candy. We can learn their names and get to know our neighbors.

Chandler: Wouldn’t it be easier if we just moved?

Rachel: (entering, happily) Gooood morning!!

Chandler: Eh, somebody’s in a good mood!

Rachel: Well, why shouldn’t I be? I have great friends! I have a wonderful job!

Monica: Where you can make out with your assistant.

Rachel: Come on, it’s not a big deal! We stayed up all night coming up with a plan so that us dating will not be a problem.

Monica: Oh yeah, what’s the plan?

Rachel: (pauses as she thinks and exhales loudly) We… We are not… …going to let it… be a problem.

Monica: Wow! It took you all night to come up with that plan?!

Rachel: Well y’know, we did other stuff too. (Joey and Chandler start to giggle.)

Monica: Did you two…

Rachel: Oh Monica come on, y’kno