The

Navigation

Pane

Home

Hate Mail

The Articles

The Archives

Worthy Links

Staff

Sign the Guestbook      View the Guestbook

Questions?  Comments?  Hate Mail?  Contact the webmaster.

July 11, 2005

   Nice Guys Finish Last in Many Things

   A few days ago, my cousin Jackie sent me something about nice guys.  It's probably a chain letter or something some person wrote when they had time (like I am now).  I read it over and was not surprised at its truths.  The following is the letter I read:

"This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious� between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!� And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date� or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me� or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!� or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.� Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming."

   "How undoubtedly true" I murmured to myself.  I decided to write a small response to the above letter. 

   Thus, we have the following:

   How girls who don't know me will see me: Scary, geek, evil, goth, asshole, (this list is quite long)

   (For this part, I decided to rummage all three of my yearbooks and quote all the chicks who wrote in them, word for fucking word and of course, I will not reveal names):

"Hey Donald, it's been fun this year and hopefully I'll see you next year, maybe in English."

"Hey thanks for being so nice in my group @ the beginning of the year!  Me and (name will not be revealed) both think that your a sweety!!  Hope to see you next year!!"

"Hey King of the Pirings, yeah skool sucks so I'm glad we got a break.  This year was cool.  Have fun this summer! Thanx for being a friend."

"Donald, Hey!  This year was a blast and IMP got easier as the year went by.  It was great getting to know you.  You're very smart and you'll get far.  Have an awesome summer and keep listenin' to those Distillers!"

"Hey Donald, It was fun having you in anthro(pology)...have a great summer amd hope to see you next year!!!"

"Donald, It's been fun having you in my anthro class.  Have a great summer."

"Donald -- It was fun sitting next to you in Anthro.  I have laughed so much.  Have a nice summer."

"Hey, I don't know you but you're in my science class.

"Jesus does love you...and no you don't own my soul!! =) Well, it has been a great + interesting school year!  Have a great summer...and I will see you next year!"

"Hey Donald!  This year has been a awesome year in English.  Hope you have a awesome summer!  Tell your family hi for me. =) God Bless! And what (above person) said Jesus loves you."

"Donald Piring - You <3 (current signer)  Those papers you drew on are still on my binder by the way! =) English has been very fun this year - that is, until we got moved to the front!  That was sad.  Anyhow, you are a very strange person and it's fabulous!  Have fun this summer and I hope we have class together next year.  P.S. strange = awesome"

"Hey Dollface!  Sweets, you have been great.  This year has been so much fun!  You have always been able to make me laugh.  Thanks.  P.S. If you ever need anything (I received her phone number)."

"Donald - it's been a fun year, and I'm glad you were in my class.  Have a great summer."

"Donald, it was a fun year.  We had two classes together but we never really talked.  You're a nice guy and really funny.  Don't ever change.  See you next year."

"Aye Donald...w'sup dout [dude]...1st period was tight w/ you...so was 3rd but 1st was better...crazy ass voices an comments.  What an actor...what an actor...ha?  Well it was tight.  This girl, (you know the drill).  Have a 'Bomb diggity' summer!"

"Donald, Hey!  Our 2nd year of IMP together.  Good luck with Byerly next year!  I hope you have a great summer!  Call me up and we will go get coffee!  Don't forget (I received her number).  We've been planning it forever.  Anyway, I'll see you next year!"

"Hey Donaldoo!  It's me (...)!  Damn...you're hella funny!! HAHAHA!  You made me laugh everyday!  (if I didn't ditch...) LOL!  Well forealz you made me LAUGH!  Man!  I love yo attitude!  Keep it real nigga!  Fosho!  Hope we'll get some class next year so I can laugh!  Be happy!  Peace out!"

"Hey Donald!  Wazzup foo...haha like (above writer) alwase says.  LOLZ well it was kewl having class with you.  It was nice knowing you.  Hope to see you around next year.  Keep yo head up ^...Later!"

"Hey fool, you know you are gonna miss my white @2$ haha have a bomb summer with the girls."

"Hey Dogg!  Wut ^ ?  It was fun seeing you and Robert beat up Sean LOL.  Hey it was nice knowing you.  Gonna miss seeing you guys beat up Sean!  Have a great summer!"  (Haha, I don't beat up Wang anymore)

"Donald!!!  Chem was sooo bad this year but thanks for all the paper!! haha.  Keep it pose dude!"  (What the hell is posi?  Please someone explain)

"Hey Donald!  Don't know you that well but I'll write anyway.  This year has been an interesting one as are you.  It's been fun and I hope the rest of your years (year?) at Lincoln are the same."

"I have one thing to say to you Donald!  It wasn't my fault!!!  I blame you!  It was your fault.  How could I possibly make so (insert name of Islam prophet here) wasn't paying attention?  Tell me!  Huh?  Your fault!  Your fault!"

"Hey Donald, it was great getting to know you this year!  Have a great summer!  See ya next year!"

"Donald - You are one of a kind!"

"Donald, you are the best person to watch a pussy fight with."

"Hey Filipino buddy ol' pal!  Another year of Japanese finished!  Amazing!  Way different from last year though.  Plus I only had 1 class w/ you!  Haha you have marked your seat in this class!  Sweet!"

"Donald, I love you and your super-cool personality.  I had fun making fun of Gillig all year in AP...hope we have a class together next year!"

"Hello Donald!  You should be in Haunted House because you're kinda creepy.  Hey, I mean that in a good way!  I'm creepy, too.  I feel like we have stuff in common and that's cool."

"He there, It was nice knowing you, you were funny in Japanese.  Well, have a nice summer...okay then by dude!"

"Hey Donald, I know where you live now so I can go and stalk you and we can play video games all day.  You smell like butt."

"Donald - It was such a pleasure to have Gillig's class with you.  You're quiet, but hecka funny once you start talking.  Have a good summer and don't be too much of a prankster.  See you next year!"

"Donald! OMG.  I loved having you in history.  You helped to make it more of a normal class w/ not so many nerds.  I really appreciate you trying to tell me there was a cricket on my foot when it really was dirt...LOL and you scared me soooo bad.  Hopefully I'll see you next year and have a great summer!"

"Donald!  Hey Boo! =) UR such a ballar in Japanese class!  But kinds weird since u bought me w/ fake Japanese money!  LOL...Have a good summer and remember me!  C U next yr!"

"'Clap, Clap, Clap' Hey sexy Donald I'm not going to lie, I won't miss you next year.  Have a good summer."

"Hi Don!  It was great knowing you this year!  Take care - bye!"

   I didn't understand.  Judging from all these yearbook signings, I could swear I must be the funniest person in the universe.  And I could swear that all girls will want me to be in their class next year, because I alone make the class fun.  The perplexity of these signings is astounding. 

   I don't know how to put it.  Either I truly am a nice, funny, person and the perfect boyfriend material, or every chick at school hides behind a facade.  So far, I've gone under two covert operations to unveil possible facades.  No matter what their outcomes where, my objectives were complete. 

   Here's a little story I'm going to tell.  So, yeah, everyone thinks I'm nice or whatever, right?  Earlier this year (spring) I knew this chick.  We got quite close, until she suddenly tells me that she has a boyfriend.  What the fuck.  That's total bull-fucking-shit.  Did her boyfriend offer to walk her home when it's nowhere near his?  Did he talk to her when she was alone during 6th?  Did he try to strengthen her relationship with her sister?  The answers to the above questions are no.  I did all those things, and came out empty-handed. 

   Sure, I'm still in high school.  I got that, and there's more people in college.  But, if I knew this before hand, why would I write such an article? 

   1.) Warning to future high school geeks

   2.) Needed to waste time

   Yeah, my well-deserved vindication is indeed coming.  I have no idea what it is, or how horrid I will make it.

   Watch out ladies, this guy is a fucking ballar.

© Shitsoft Inc.  All rights reserved.