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December 20, 2004

   Why Metroid is Awesome. By: D

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   Metroid is the best video game series ever.  It is a flawless series that Nintendo has yet to fuck up.  These days, pretty much everything from Nintendo is bound to suck major ass.  In this Article, I will talk about why I didn't choose a certain video game series and why Metroid is better than it.

   Exhibit A: Super Mario

   We all love Mario.  Hell, I do.  If I wrote this Article before August 26th, 2002 when Nintendo released Super Mario Sunshine, I would have written about Mario.  But no, Nintendo fucked up Mario when he arrived on Gamecube.  Since his debut on Donkey Kong, Mario has been the shit.  He then got his own starring role in the Super Mario Brothers series.  Eight bit games kick ass.  I'm not going to tell about all of Mario's starring roles and cameo appearances because there are too many.  Anyways, Nintendo fucked Mario in the ass when he got to Gamecube.  Literally. 

   Super Mario Sunshine is not fun at all.  In it, Mario tracks down an imposter.  Wow.  In all the other Mario games,  Mario's only objective is kick the shit out of King Koopa and save Princess Toadstool.  That's all.  Sure, in Sunshine, Mario tries to save her, but King Koopa did not kidnap her.  What the fuck.  And, I don't give a rat's ass if the liquid imposter Mario is Koopa's puppet or some shit like that.  The direct villain has to be King Koopa.  I'm aware that Mario has faced other bad guys, but in general, it's Koopa dammit.  Koopa, Koopa, Koopa.  Super Mario 64, with its shittier graphics, fucking 0wns Mario Sunshine any day.  Take a look at the below comparison:

    YES

  STUPID

   Look at how awesome Super Mario 64 is compared to Mario Sunshine.  Back in Mario 64, Mario actually beat the hell out of things by using that awesome combo (achieved by pressing B B B) and jumping on things.  Now, Mario's a pussy and uses a water cannon.  What the hell.  Mario uses FIRE.  He uses the flower and his suit turns white.  I think Mario Sunshine is trying to teach kids to keep the world clean, since that's another objective in Mario Sunshine: clean the island.  That's stupid.  And Nintendo can't compare with the XBOX water graphics.  Mario no longer stomps Goombas and Koopas.  Instead, he cleans paint filled orbs that can see and damage whatever they jump on. 

   Mario is great.  He would have won, but Mario Sunshine fucked everything up.

   Why Metroid is Better than Mario

   Samus still uses the gun on her arm, and she never switched from beam weapons to something stupid like blobs of shit.  Mario, on the other hand, no longer shoots burning projectiles form his hands and has a backpack full of water.  Her enemies are always either Metroids or Space Pirates; she doesn't go from fighting Metroids to fighting stuffed animals.  Samus has kicked ass since the original Metroid, which is older than me. 

   Exhibit B: Halo

   Halo is straight up awesome.  It's great decimating tons of alien bastards and following through the hella epic storyline.  Since Halo is quite newer than Metroid, I cannot write much about it, and thus, it is not the best series ever.  One thing I can write about is Halo 2.  Halo 2 was a face full of ibaoleu in the ass when it came out.  It was so highly anticipated.  However, it's not the best game ever.  It's great, but not the best.  I will not explain why. 

   Why Metroid is Better than Halo

   Metroid is older.  Thus, it is more classical, and classics are good.  Movies, games, you name it.

   Exhibit C: Donkey Kong

   Donkey Kong is another great series.  Back then, during the first Donkey Kong, you played as Jumpman (Mario) and saved some chick who was not Princess Toadstool.  You then made Donkey Kong fall 3-4 stories where he hits his head and you win.  The Gameboy remake of Donkey Kong is fucking awesome.  I highly suggest you get that if you own a Gameboy.  In Donkey Kong Jr., you played Donkey Kong's son (Donkey Kong Jr.) and saved your dad.  In the end, you make Jumpman fall and he dies.  Donkey Kong Country is great.  It was smooth playing, and you killed things by throwing shit at them, jumping on them, or using your swordfish and rhinoceros friend to bludgeon them.  It was great.  Donkey Kong starred in a Nintendo 64 game called Donkey Kong 64.  It was like Banjo Kazooie, but you play as monkeys.  Great stuff.  Anyways, Donkey Kong is not the best because he has no new games.  Being on Gameboy Advance does not count,  nor does being in Super Smash Brothers and Mario Kart.

  Why Metroid is Better than Mario

   Donkey Kong has no new games.  Donkey Konga doesn't count because playing bongos to beat a game is stupid.

   Exhibit D: Duke Nukem

   Like Metroid, Duke Nukem games have been both 2D side scrollers and First Person Shooters.  The original Duke Nukem graphics were awesome because they were EGA.  Duke Nukem beats the shit out of aliens, like Samus.  Unlike Samus, Duke Nukem got to take a piss and hand money to strippers when you pressed Spacebar.  Also, Duke Nukem was much more "violent" than Metroid, especially when one considers 2D blood to be violent.  More weapons are given in Duke Nukem, like the shotgun and rocket launcher (the same with Doom).  However, Duke Nukem never gets an awesome suit like Samus.

   Why Metroid is Better than Duke Nukem

   Duke Nukem doesn't have a suit like Samus.  There is no Justin Bailey ------ ------ code to undress him.  Duke Nukem hasn't had a brand new game in about eight years.

   Exhibit E: Doom

   Doom is awesome.  Doom 1 and 2 are kick ass PC games.  I bought Doom 3 the day it came out.  Doom is great because it is demonic and you kill things in the most gory ways possible.  In Doom 3, you blast things, sock them until they explode, or you can bust out with a chainsaw and hack away.  Doom 3 has to be the scariest fucking game ever.  However, we're looking at the best series, not the scariest.  Samus and "the Doom guy" both kill aliens, which is great.  For those of you who are unaware, Doom takes place on Mars. 

   Why Metroid is Better than Doom

   For starters, you can't switch from 1st person to 3rd person like in Metroid.  It sucks that Doom 3 requires pretty much a new computer, for those of us who have not bought hardware in a long time.  Doom 3 graphics are sweet, and it's scary as hell.  Again, we're looking at the best series, not the scariest.  If I write about the scariest series, Doom would be it.  iD Software kicks ass.

   Exhibit F: Contra

   Love Contra.  Contra kicked ass on the NES and Super NES.  You kill tons of people and aliens and it's so easy to die.  One hit, and you're dead.  In Contra, you got a small variety of weapons, but it was enough to get through level 1.  Contra had two different points of view to it.  One was sidescrolling, and the other was behind the guy.  But, since I only played the first Contra, I don't have a lot to say.

   Why Metroid is Better than Contra

   Nintendo should revive Contra.  If there was like a 3D or first person Contra, it would be awesome.  Metroid is better because you don't die as easy and there are no new Contra games.

   Exhibit G: Final Fantasy

   Don't get me wrong, Final Fantasy is a great series.  Final Fantasy VII and VIII are undoubtedly the best of them all.  I heard Tactics is awesome, but I never played it.  I'm a pretty hardcore RPG gamer.  What sucks about Final Fantasy is that there are some that wee released only in Japan, and then they skipped from like 3 to 6.  What the hell.  But seriously, Final Fantasy VII was totally the shit back in like 4th grade.  I had tons of Final Fantasy pictures, MIDI, and other shit.  I even had my own copy, though I didn't have a Playstation.  There's one thing about the Final Fantasy series that bugs the hell out of me.  There are too many of them.  And then, isn't there a Final Fantasy XII and a Final Fantasy X-2?  What the fuck.  Why don't they call it XII-a and XII-b?  Having a XII and X-2 is stupid.  And then, you have to buy one of the Final Fantasies, and you can only play it online.  And, you have to pay for it.  What the hell.  That's just stupid.  They should have ended Final Fantasy at VIII.  Final Fantasy IX sucked ass. 

   Why Metroid is Better than Final Fantasy

   There aren't like 18 Metroid games.  Metroid is fine in Gamecube multiplayer, eliminating the need for a "Metroid Online."  Online Final Fantasy...what a crock of shit.  There is no stupid Metroid 2 and Metroid II bullshit.

   Exhibit H: The Legend of Zelda

   The Legend of Zelda is an awesome series.  I remember the first Zelda was awesome and it is currently hard to find.  The second Legend of Zelda, the Adventure of Link,  was kinda lame.  The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening on the old school Gameboy was awesome, and Nintendo made a DX version on Gameboy color, making it even more awesome.  The Super Nintendo had its own great Zelda game, as well.  It was A Link to the Past.  It is also on Gameboy Advance.  The best Legend of Zelda is The Ocarina of Time.  Hands down.  The Ocarina of Time was on Nintendo 64, and it kicked ass.  The Ocarina of Time was released onto the Gamecube, along with the Master Quest.  The Master Quest was a hella crazier version of the Ocarina of Time.  Anyways, after The Ocarina of Time came Majora's Mask.  Here, you're in a parallel dimension or something. A lot of people in Majora's Mask are from Ocarina of Time.  What do I mean?  Nintendo was too fucking lazy to design new sprites and instead used old ones from the Ocarina of Time.  It was also much shorter that Ocarina of Time.  Majora's Mask had plenty of quests, sure, but it could not compensate enough.  The whole plot of the game revolved around the three days you are given and a whole bunch of masks, some of which do nothing except for getting you a Piece of Heart.  This game had nothing to do with Zelda or Ganon.  Stupid.  Then came The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker, where Zelda goes from princess to peasant (metaphor, people).  The Wind Waker was fucking stupid.  The Legend of "Celda" had shittier graphics than the Nintendo 64.  You never grow up, and the way you kill is stupid.  Every time you hit something with your sword, some stupid noise is played, and it's not the sound of your sword.  What the fuck were they thinking when they decided to degrade Zelda like that?  The last 3 Legends of Zelda are pretty much the same thing.  You play a musical instrument for a large portion of the game to create certain effects, and they all involve the same Hyrule.  In the Wind Waker, you find that the whole world is an ocean, and Hyrule is under the ocean.  What the hell.  Did Lake Hyrule overflow like hell?  Did Zora's Fountain finally unfreeze?  Was there a gigantic storm?  Did the Morpha, the Water Temple Boss, return only to drown everyone?  WHY IS THERE AN OCEAN???  Why is Link's boat the King of Hyrule?  God damn.  The following is Link from the Wind Waker:

PUSSY

   Link is a puss in the Wind Waker.  Where is the masculinity?  Where is that "kick your ass" attitude?  I know where it is.  It's in Shigeru Miyamoto's ass.  The next Zelda coming out fir Gamecube, which is supposed to come out next year, looks snazzy.  Nintendo better not fuck it up.

   Why Metroid is Better than Zelda

   Samus never had a cartoony look to her.  When she hits things, they don't make dumb noises.  The Wind Waker fucked it all up for Zelda.  The Gamecube is basically shit, and has shitty games.

   Well, I hope this is enough evidence to justify me assessment of Metroid is the best video game series ever.  There are plenty more other video game series, but it's about 3:00 a.m. and I'm too tired to keep going.  Hope ya'll are satisfied with this new article.  I'm out. 

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