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August 15, 2005

   Commercials That Suck Ass

   When you're me, and you have the ability to watch a shitload of TV, you will find yourself getting sick of the same commercials that are always on.  Watching TV is such a great thing to do, but the whole experience can be ruined by commercials alone.  But then again, not only can TV watching experiences be ruined by such advertisements.  Yes, movies, radio, and having a phone in your house can also lead to the abundance of shit advertising.  Consequently, this makes me angry.  And when I get angry, I will either write or kill someone.  But, this case was extreme, so I happened to do both!  Below is a small compilation of television advertisements that happened to piss me off:

   1.)  The Travelocity commercial

   The Travelocity commercial has to be the most ghetto piece of shit I have ever seen in my 17 consecutive years of existence.  The Travelocity commercial features a couple in a hotel, when some shit (that always happens to people in travel service commercials) troubles them.  Thus, here comes the Travelocity Gnome!!!  A piece of lawn furniture comes to your rescue!!!  Hooray!  The Travelocity Gnome appears taped onto a Taxi, and then is run over by a bellboy and some luggage.  The Gnome comes to enforce the "Travelocity Guarantee" which can be read on Travelocity's official website.  From there, you can also watch the a video clip of the "Roaming Gnome, Enforcer of the Travelocity Guarantee," hard at work.  The Travelocity company must be shit because they can't afford to hire a real Gnome to enforce their guarantee.  From watching this commercial, I could say that Travelocity is insignificant and will easily be broken like the lawn furniture they incorporate into their commercial.

   2.)  Popsicle

   When I first saw one of the recent Popsicle commercials, I couldn't decide whether I should laugh at it, or immediately lambast it.  There are four advertisements that feature Popsicle's new mascot, "Man of Popsicle."  To fully understand my point, I suggest that viewing the Man of Popsicle commercials which can be found on Popsicle's official website.  I will break each ad down into my own perspective.

   Popsicle Commercial 1: Giant Robots

   What happens: A city in Japan is being massacred by a giant robot.  But then, out comes Man of Popsicle!!!  The Japanese children then use the super-intense flavor of Popsicle Firecrackers to save the city and themselves!  The giant robot is then launched out of the atmosphere, enters Earth's orbit, and explodes.  Don't thank Man of Popsicle, it was you and Firecracker.  If it's Popsicle, it's possible!

   How I see it:  Japan is yet again under attack from giant robots.  I find this commercial to suggest that Japan always seems to be under attack by something gigantic.  How Japanese children can speak perfect English is beyond my understanding.  To me, Man of Popsicle represents the white man as he brought modernization to Japan in the late 1800s.  And, Man of Popsicle seems to represent the cockiness of the modern white man.

   Popsicle Commercial 2: Monkeys of Unfunness

   What Happens: When two children are playing peacefully, the Monkeys of Unfunness arrive!  The Monkeys' objective is to ruin the good times of the children.  But wait!  Here comes Man of Popsicle!  With the power of Popsicle Scribblers, the children draw a giant banana to draw the monkeys away from the village.  Thanks to Man of Popsicle, the children will be able to play again!  Hooray!!!

   How I see it:  As Scandinavian children are out for play, little do they know that they will be attacked.  The assailants: monkeys who wear Fesz hats.  They have come to raid Scandinavia while aboard their flying carpets.  All fun will be ruined.  This commercial seems to suggest that all middle-eastern people are evil.  With flying carpets from Arabia, hats from Morocco, and clones of Abu the monkey, the people of the middle east will now be shunned even more by American and/or Scandinavian children.  Not only have these people destroyed the World Trade Center, they now seek to ruin our fun.  Only the power of Man of Popsicle (the power of America) can drive the people of the middle east back to their cave dwellings.  They are savages compared to American might.

   Popsicle Commercial 3: Storm Cloud of Injustice

   What Happens: Children are playing on the beach, when suddenly...Oh no!!!  It's the Storm Cloud of Injustice, and he's come to ruin our fun.  Man of Popsicle arrives in the nick of time to give the children some Popsicle Swirlwinds (and strike a very manly pose).  The tasty swirls of flavor from Popsicle Swirlwinds are used to brighten the day.  Thanks Man of Popsicle!  "Don't thank me, it was you!"

   How I see it:  Again, children are playing in a random spot, when some menacing entity arrives to ruin the fun.  The name "Storm Cloud of Injustice" suggests that Popsicle stands for true justice, just as America would.  Yes, America will randomly declare war on foreign lands to establish what it calls justice, just as Man of Popsicle randomly jumps into the scene to serve justice on a silver platter.  Begone, Storm Cloud of Injustice, and go America!!!

   Popsicle Commercial 4: Dust Bunnies

   What Happens: As two kids are cleaning their room, they find that it is infested with Dust Bunnies!  But Man of Popsicle comes to save the day.  With the fun shapes and fruity flavors of Popsicle Wild Bunch, the room is whipped into shape!  Hooray!!!

   How I see it:  It just so happens that two black kids have a very filthy room.  But what's worse, the dust bunnies hold more of a demonic presence.  This ad may suggest that black kids have filthy rooms which are infested with demons in the shape of bunnies.  The lesson here: don't go into a black kid's room unless you have a Popsicle Wild Bunch.

   3.) AOL Commercials

   (In order for this section to be fully comprehended, I suggest a visit to my previous article about AOL.)

   People who want a better Internet belong at America Online.  What they don't know is that a better Internet can be achieved without an AOL account, with a higher speed.  So far, there are two commercials for the newest AOL.  I will give detailed explanations on them:

   AOL 1: Spam Man

   Here, two men are discussing what great features the new AOL has.  They are being followed by a man who represents the annoyance of spam.  But, AOL blocks spam, as the Spam Man hits the glass doors and is unable to enter the building.  Then, another couple comes by, and is followed by the same Spam Man.  He again is blocked by AOL (glass doors).

   If I was being followed by some guy who told me "Click Here, you're the 'X'th visitor" I'd give him a nice boot in the face and a second one in the ass.  What AOL users don't realize is that more E-mail services block spam.  I would know, because I have three different E-mail addresses.

   AOL 2: Apple Cake Lady

   To show her appreciation, a random woman walks into the AOL building with her "famous" apple cake (...thing).  She offers it to a guy, but he refuses.  He reminds her that not only he works on anti-spamming AOL, as numerous AOL employees are watching the lady and the cake.  Both of the newest AOL commercials elaborate on the anti-spam.  If this is the case, then there isn't anything new with AOL;  it's still shit.

   4.) Geico

   There are too many Geico commercials.  I must have watched seven different Geico ads within a half-hour period.  Some Geico ads feature a gecko, others feature a spokesperson, one features wrestlers, and another features Tony Little.  Tony Little must therefore be out of business.  I would suppose this is so because 1.) his hair isn't real, and 2.) his Gazelle doesn't work.  I used it for half an hour and I didn't feel any burning or sweat.  When I jump rope for five minutes, on the other hand, I am hella sweaty and my legs burn so bad.  I won't make any further elaboration on Geico because there are too many commercials.

   5.) Chicken Fries

   What the fuck are chicken fries?  The music is a bit catchy, but what the hell.

   This concludes my small list of commercials that suck ass.  Next article: Commercials That Don't Suck Ass.

September 16, 2005

   Revision

  1.) Wrestling Pay-Per-Views

   Wrestling is awesome, no doubt.  Pay-per-view events are often better.  But as any wrestling fan knows, the industry has declined so much.  I hate the pay-per-view commercials because it's always fucking dramatic and shit.  There's like a choir, or an orchestra playing.  And the images and audio become all distorted to cut to silence, then it's like BOOM (you see some signature move) and another BOOM (another signature move) and some other stupid shit.  It's like, "He's been manipulated since his debut" or "He stole his girlfriend" or even the semi-classic "He's been hungering for the championship belt for a long time, and will stop at nothing to get it."  It's so fucking phoney.  I want to find the bastard who creates these shitty ass ads and pimp slap him/her in the face.  That would make my day.

   2.) Movie Previews

   Movie previews are good, when they show a good movie is coming out.  Is it just me, or does it seem that every preview about some serious movie has a choir in the background music?  It's fucking retarded and fucking redundant because a.) the clips being played indicate if the movie is serious, and b.) it pisses me off.  For Star Wars Episode III, I can see why they would have the choir (because it's serious and it supposedly ends the Star Wars saga, as far as movies go).  I wouldn't mind it for The Return of the King either, because it won how many awards that year?  Like, a lot.  But anyways, movie previews start playing way too damn often and I get irate at the fact that I saw the same preview about 5 - 15 minutes ago.  And some movies, like Alien vs. Predator, had the choir, and were serious movies, but sucked so much ass that I should find the director and deliver the five fingers across the face.

   I would add more, but I'm too lazy.

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