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September 6, 2004

   Subject: Alien Versus Predator Sucks, and if There Will Be a Sequel, I Should Direct It. By: Don Piring

Whoever wins, we lose...Guess what, fuckers?  We win.

   I saw "Alien Versus Predator" before school started with some friends.  This movie was overall a piece of shit and is full of pussy-assed Predators and Aliens.  The rating is PG-13.  PG-13?!  What the hell.  It was more comedic than scary, and the real victors in AvP are boredom, stupidity, and the people who didn't go to see it.

   "A more accurate title might have been Audience Vs. Cliche." -- Paul Sherman, BOSTON HERALD

   "When there was talk of an 'Aliens vs Predator' movie, I told them that they would have to do it without me... they would cheapen the series if they did it." -- Sigorney Weaver
 

   Everyone (everything) in the movie sucked and guess what, everyone (except the black chick) dies.  So, if we're keeping score on the surviving protagonists in the "Predator" movies, black people lead 2-1.  How fucking ironic; the black chick was supposed to make sure that everyone on the archaeological team makes it back safely, but in the end, everyone dies, except for her.  What a crock of shit.  She wasn't all that great of a protagonist, either.  She didn't gun down shit loads of people, like Arnold, nor was she an L.A. cop, like Danny Glover.  She wasn't a bit like Sigourney Weaver either.   Her whole philosophy near the end was, "The enemy of my enemy is my friend."  Great.  She was bowing to the Predator and giving him the gun and shit.  If I were the Predator, I wouldn't have allied with the humans.  I swear, at the end, it looked like she was going to start making out with the Predator.  It would have had its mandibles all up in her face and sliming all over and shit.

   The trailer shows the Aliens and Predators kicking asses all over the temple, which is above ground.  However, the actual temple is under the ice.  I thought that, somehow, the temple would rise from underground and then the Predators kicked ass.  Guess what?  The temple stays under the ice, therefore, the trailer was shitty and hella misleading.  

   On the plus side, the special effects were pretty good.  The Aliens and Predators all looked like they could kick ass.  But, no ass is truly kicked.

   In AvP, the Predators are fat compared to the other two Predators.  The first two Predators in AvP die like pussies.  The first one was too unlike a ninja to sense that the Alien was behind him, and, due to his shittiness, the Alien impales the Predator with its tail and kills the first Predator.  That Alien was pretty awesome.  The second Predator (the mask with the teeth design) dies because he didn't kill the Alien.  At first, he was kicking ass, swinging the Alien around and shooting it with the net thing.  But, he's too stupid too forget that Alien blood is acidic and the Alien breaks through the net (which is cutting through its "skin") and, using its "tongue", it makes a huge ass hole in the Predator's mask and face, brains, etc.  The third Predator was the most warrior-like of the three, even though he just dies.  He was pretty damn awesome when he sliced through the Alien's face using the shuriken.  The third Predator used its thumb and cracked an Alien's neck.  And, most notably, he jumped twenty feet into the air and hella impaled the Queen Alien's head with a spear.  Before the Queen Alien fights the Predator and Sanaa Lathan, the Predator takes its mask off for no apparent reason.  None of the Predators looked very fearsome and pissed like the first two Predators did.  Not even the grand elder Predator looked pissed.  I would have if I found out some human survived and a Predator didn't.  The grand elder Predator from Predator 2 must have been pissed, but gave Danny Glover the pirate's gun because Danny Glover was awesome.  Below is a comparison between each Predator's face and what expressions they have (hold the mouse cursor over each picture):

The First Predator

The Second Predator

The Predator from AvP

   The Aliens died too easily.  Most of them are eradicated with the use of the Predator's bomb.  Strangely, the bomb comes off of the Predator's arm.  What the fuck?  The first two Predators had bombs attached to their arms and never took them off.  The very first Predator set off the bomb on its arm, never took it off, and killed itself because it knew Arnold kicked its ass.  In Predator 2, the Predator set off the bomb, but Danny Glover was too awesome and gave it an amputation.  The Queen Alien was like the fucking Tyrannosaurus Rex from Jurassic Park.  Until it breaks free from its chains (why it was chained up, I have no fucking idea) the Queen Alien was a large puppet or robot.  In the end, it should have remained a large puppet or robot, because large puppets and robots are awesome, like the first Terminator, or the first Queen Alien.  There was no gigantic female versus female battle scene wither.  I was fucking disappointed that there was no large robot that Sanaa Lathan could use to kick the shit out of the Queen Alien.

   The humans suck.  Bishop dies because Bishop sucked and was an android in Aliens.  Bishop was a fucking idiot and tried to set the third Predator on fire.  So, the Predator just cuts open Bishop (which we don't see) and he dies.  The Italian guy died because he couldn't throw the Alien off the cliff.  Carston Norgaard died because he was pretty much frozen, and the Predator just cut open his face with one swipe.  Unfortunately, all we see is blood splash onto the snow.  The actors are pretty much nobodies, because I've never heard of them and neither has anyone else.  The guy who says "sacrificial chamber..." dies because he wasn't important.  That one chick with the hella short hair dies because she had the "I'm going to kick your ass" attitude, but she sucked. 

   The plot was bullshit.  Alien and Predator movies don't need some plot about archaeology and temples and shit.  The only plot needed is: 1.) People go in to check out what the fuck is going on, 2.) Aliens/Predators kill tons of people, 3.) Antagonist dies, protagonist wins.  No one really gave a fuck if the temple was part Cambodian/Aztec/ did they?  Hell, the human characters just figure out that the temple was built hella long ago, and then the builders just left and moved on to wherever.  I give credit to the people who go into the Sacrificial Chamber (we're looking at the part where the temple is above the ground), because they know that the Aliens would have kicked their asses anyway.  If the Aliens didn't kick their asses, then the Predators would come and kick everyone's ass.

   There's too much to complain about here, so I'm done.  Paul W.S. Anderson sucks, and I'm going to kick his ass if I see him.  AvP really sucked.  There better be a kick ass sequel to make up for Paul W.S. Anderson.  If you are a die hard Alien and/or Predator fan, and you have not seen Alien Versus Predator yet, don't see it.  Oh yeah, and if you were unaware that this review contains spoilers, WARNING: This review contains spoilers.  I'm out.

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