Tout le Monde,

So yeah I know it's been a while.  I think that for the past months I've had a taste of heaven and didn't want to jinx it by saying anything.  The Crazy Bastard that I've been dating is great.  It started out with intimidation.  I saw him bouncing off the walls at a party and little did I know he'd want to talk to me.  I was a little scared about his outgoingness and his life of the party style.  The only person I've known to be like that is myself.  Thankfully he stole and swapped hats with me leaving me determined to get it back.

Party two arrives and I played the game by getting my hat back, giving back his, but taking another hat from him.  Surprisingly he was politely upforward we kissed that night.

So much had happened that night, all being the small things that I keep in my mind as clear as day.  Despite the liquor and despite my bad memory.

From then on the Crazy Bastard has amazed me in so many ways.  And for three months I felt like I was on top of the world.  It took only till recently for me to say that I really do love him.  He had spat out those words about a month ago, but I wasn't really that sure.

You know one of the worst things in this world is having all these feelings for someone and not getting it back.  I guess now I know how he felt about a month ago.  I'm sure he does love me.  We've just hit a halt on our honeymoon of a relationship.  He's just a guy.  All the persistance, sweet talks and messages were all there to reel me in.  And now that he's got me I guess he doesn't have to try.

He doesn't send the frequently sweet messages that would make my friends gag,  Doesn't make the random phone calls to check up on me.  He no longer misses me, no longer 'loves his burritos'.

I'm at a heartful of heart and it's all bittersweet because I care for him so much.  I love the thought of him.  And I'd love to be around him all the time.  Eventhough he barely sends me sweet messages, doesn't ask me to hang out, and usually calls me after he gets out of work.  So I'm on the fence.  I can't hate him, but I can't forget him.  I want the Bastard that I met, back.  I miss that guy.  As much as I like all of him since day one, I'd love to get those sweet messages again.  And not when he knows that I'm out with my friends or guys or if I'm pissed at him.

It just sucks because there is no question about me seeing myself with him but I definately don't like how things have slowed down.

I think I'm left with just not trying so hard.  Not saying how I feel. Just being cold about it all.

~wow, left with hurt after venting... not a good thing