Tout le Monde,

It had come to my attention that apparently I'm 'hot'.  Since the downword spiral of my 'boyfriends' seeing me a just as an 'infatuation', I have thought about and don't necessarily agree with being 'hot' but can see what they see when they look at me.

I don't see myself as a pushover or quiet when they want me to be.  I'm smart, brilliant, charming, audacious, strong, happy, fun loving, amost other things.  I can only assume that, that can be intimidating for any guy to contain.  I thought in the past that certain guys had me to where they could per say 'tame the flame', but was I ever wrong!  I am me and always will be as 'crazy' as it may seem, I'm just a 'put it all out there' kinda girl and have no excuses for it.  So it's sad but I'm not sorry that my exes could not weild all that was me to fit in their standards as the 'perfect girlfriend', but that doesn't matter.  Because despite the negative of this, there is always the positive.

Let's narrow it down to 3 examples...

One, 'Young Buck'.  I didin't really plan much with this guy.  I thought I'd take a ride on his body and that would be that.  However I do feel that despite the body, I can't ruin him like that.  Him being younger than I am,  if I were to treat him like that, 'to use and abuse', then who's to say that he won't turn into the many dogs out there that do the same thing. (obviously implying that I am as well I guess)  So, I'm not going to do that to him, but I feel like now he is interested in getting to know me.  We hung out a couple of times and I'm convinced he thinks that I exute craziness.  But I think that's what attracting him to me.

Two, 'Impressive Peer'.  This guy just freaks me out!  The first time I met him I was blown away by how crazy a person could be and it re-evaluated how people might see me when I'm 'crazy'.  So it made me think.  This guy is exactly like me.  He scares me so much in how he acts, but at the same time it just draws me into him.  So he's within my age range and impressed to day that he can hold his own and then some, or at least so it seems.  After talking with him for a bit I had to stop and think 'Is this guy for real?'  Because not only does his 'craziness' matches my own, he sounds like a decent guy underneath it all.  So I think that the craziness from both of our sides is attracting us to each other.

Three, the 'Elder'.  I saw him before he saw me.  I have been wanting to spend some time with this one but can't manage to find the time on either side.  I think that I wouldn't have more leeway in my schedule to do so than he would.  I have no clue as to what draws him to me (if he even is at all) or what draws me to him.  All I know is that I want this guy and it is so annoying how the time isn't there for him.  I'm not going to push it let alone worry about it, but isn't it a sign if things just don't happen between people?  I love how in one aspect we have something important to me in common.  Something that no friend or past three boyfriends had.  The only problem is that he doesn't have any time for me!  I don't know what will happen with that.  All I can do is wait and make most of the time that I do happen to be with him or when we do talk.  I wonder if he is involved with anybody?

~Malika de Wijdan xoxo