Tout le Monde,

I wouldn't say that I'm not happy with my life because I am.  I mean I'm proud of who I am and what I've accomplished.  I'm pretty inside and out.  Outgoing and all with an infectious personality that is always entertaining to others.  However when it comes to re-evaluating my actions I find myself straight faced.  Let me explain...

Gorgeous, who turned out to actually be 'Grotesque', has tricked me into putting down my walls and then stole from me everything that keep highly protected.  I had opened up to him emotionally more so than I had with my past two relationships.  I felt like I was on top of the world.  And in less than a week he ruined me and flipped my world upside down by leaving me with the bullshit excuse of him 'not having enough time for me'.  For all I know he could have had his sights on someone else, or possibly went back to his retched excuse of his ex-girlfriend.  Or perhaps I was just an infatuation like he said.  Regardless of the excuses, you just don't lose a fucking 'spark' in five fucking days.  And if it was lingering for longer than that, than maybe you shouldn't have made it official.

Well whatever the reason life goes on and he's an ass because who would be stupid enough to rid of me.  And I'm not cocky, I just know that I am a good person in general who genuinely treats others right.  No deception, no games, no lies, and apparently no walls.

For some time I had felt like he had raped me of every emotion that I allowed myself to feel despite my need to be nocholant and in control of my feelings.  Of course he would leave, he achieved to get the best of me amongst those who can't crack me.  Well I guess it'd be a good thing that he never got to see the very best of me.  That bastard doesn't deserve anything close to that.  So where ever he is in his life right now, I hope the fuck that he's satisfied because it doesn't get any better than what he had.

Well weeks past and all the while I had hurt so much and thought that if I had kept that way so strongly for a long time that he Had to come back.  If my heart had wished it enough for me to think about him or miss him that I'd hear from him again.  But the one thing that made it clear to me that his reasons were all bullshit and that I wouldn't be hearing from him was the fact that he had spent the fucking effort to click me off his 'top ten list' on facebook.  Who actually maintains that shit anyway? 

So I don't know how long it's been now and I don't care.  All I know is that he's gone, burried, and I am happy without him.  My mind is split in many directions.  One thing that I did happen to pick up, which is a definate first for me, is the 'solving the whole getting laid situation'.  I would consider myself a person who can do just fine without sex but I figured, I'm young and I've been good, so whenever I feel the need for it I would essentially go 'shopping' and get it.  And so I did.

So I'm fixing the horn' issue and becoming farther and farther detached from what was 'Grotesque' and I'm fine, cool, calm, all around happy.  But this obviously isn't me.  Although having fun, I just feel like I am going through the motions and feeling incomplete.  I hustle and bustle just to feel and I yearn to find someone to make me feel alive.  You know that feeling when someone wants you for your heart, mind, and soul, as well as body.  But I'm finding that college guys or fresh out college boys are just boys.  So that leaves me no choice but to wait till I do graduate and hopefully bump into a mature, independent man that lacks the whining, the drama, the indecisiveness.  And till then I feel like this whole thing and everything is just a joke.

~Au Revoir