Tout le Monde,

Talk about scary!  It's starting.  After I don't know how many times we've been on a date and how long we've been talking, things have been of course on the up and up.  It started out really slow and unsure and now it's going all at once and still unsure!

I'm at work and I can't point out a single reason as to why I like this kid and I don't think that, that is a good or a bad thing.  All I know is that I get interupted with thoughts about him and that is the scary thing.

I'm starting to like him more, starting to miss him more and the only thought I can think of is... thank God I'm going away this weekend so that I can assess my true feelings because there is no way I can like this guy any more than I'm willing to allow myself right now.

Don't get me wrong I'd love to be in a place with him where we're an item and happy as can be for the month that every relationship typically allows.  However,  I don't want to be there.  I don't want to end liking someone with the fear that they'll leave for something stupid.  Before it used to be me being scared of getting into a relationship because I feared that they would fuck up somehow and I would have to dump them.   And now I fear that I'll end up liking him and he'll just leave, leave like the last two and not give me a reason why.  I'm just really freakin scared to where I'm trying to figure out why I even started talking to this guy and I don't know if it's nerves or if it's really me telling me 'Don't Do It!"

I don't know, I guess I'll have to think about this whole thing over the weekend.  It seems like I'm torn because part of me is all happy and excited about it, I mean the boys pretty sweet, new, definately different, and we've been so honest with each other.  But the other part is freaking out and negative about it thinking that he'll be just like the rest and that I'm too much of a pussy to spend the time to find out.

Maybe I am wrong, maybe it is just the nerves and I think that if there was some assertiveness coming from his side then maybe I wouldn't be so negetive about it and just jump head first already.  Or maybe I'm just waiting for 'thee guy' to come along, knock me off my feet and tell me, "just trust me, I'm your guy" and take control of his life and mine, at least the relationship aspect of it and tell me what he thinks is good for me.  I guess that would be the type of guy I would want to be with and not have doubts about. 

Then again I think I'm just talking out of my ass.  So maybe this weekend I'll think about it or maybe this weekend I'll just break away and not think about anything accept having a good time down at AC and of course my project.

~ Miss Lonelyheart?