Tout le Monde,

Everything here is scattered pieces.  I don't know how everything ties together when I write on here.  And I'm not sure if I make any sense when I do.  All I know is what I feel right now.

Lost again in many ways.  The little girl that drowned in all this negativity is back again.  My dad's in the hospital and I have yet to see him.  I'm trying to find justifiable reasons as to why I shouldn't have to go.  And none do I see is going to get me out of the snaring eyes of my family.

But you know what.  I don't want to have anything to do with my dad and his ailement.  I don't know how severe it is and I don't even know what's going on.  All I know is that I don't want to stand by his bed trying to hope for a miracle that won't come.  He is a born bastard and nothing, not even being sick is going make him nicer to his family.

How can somebody sick and in the hospital and all still be capable to sit on his high horse and disregard everything that he could be losing?

And to top that all off, everybody is just eating it up.  Forget that he's a monster, difficult, bigotted, self centered, racist.  Forget all the mean things he's said and done to everybody.  Apparently when you're ill, everything is null and void and all of your 'loved ones' come to your side.  So I guess this means I don't love him?  Forget every attempts I made to be good with him.  Forget that my face with death should have meant something to him other than pity.  The tire is fixed but that will never fix what really matters.  Thanks dad, for that.

So here I lay sick. A few friends in odd places asking me how I'm doing.  My real friends seem to not giving a crap since i haven't heard anything from them.  The continuous silence from family because, 'I'm a big girl and can take care of myself'.  When all I want is my mom to be here.  I know I'm not dying, I'm just sick, but I'm also not feeling the best of all worlds right now.  So when it matters who's around?  Not even my mother.  I don't blame her.  She'll do anything for that asshole she calls a husband.  Through thick and thin indeed.  There's something to admire about that because I would never, obviously, put up with such abuse.  So when it matters, it's just me.  It's always been just me.

An introverted, shy, and vulnerable girl that has to force her way through.  Behind skins that everybody thinks they know very well.  I just can't wait till I feel better so that I can do what I know best just to get by.

~project, 'moi' in the making