Tout le Monde,

Some people can't change.  There is a level of pride that everyone hangs on to.  I know that I have my level of pride that I never let go of.

To the meaning of the entry...

I'm upset, to a point where I feel that everyone has left me.  My dad has always been difficult.  More so then, than now.  It seemed that everything between us had been going well, but pride had stuck it's ass out like a porcupine needle.

After my accident, I can imagine that shock had left him to not even bother to ask if I was okay and go straight to being mean and cold.  As karma would have it, a medical condition effects his life and of course it doesn't bother me to ask how he's doing.

All my life I had bent in every direction just to make peace with this guy.  Not once had my life been jeopardized and put in a situation where my dad's level of care about me would be tested.  So now I see how far pride is stretched to have him overlook what really matters.

So the house that my parents were planning on getting might not even happen because I think that guilt and disappointment has set into his mind and is discouraged to do anything new and difficult.

I would think that the main reason why he agreed to get this particular house was because I made it my point that I would help.  Now that things are bad between us again I would imagine that all hope of things going back to good were highly unlikely for him so what better way than to give up and not get the house.

He wants to go back to California.  I'm upset because I do feel like it is my fault.  All the hopes of having a family or a father are distant yet again and that's what hurts the most.

I'm mad.  I think that if he wasn't so far up his ass that he could just talk to me and at least acknowledge that he was wrong.  But people don't change.  And I think that him and everyone else like him are a bunch of chicken shits that can't just face the damn music.

I feel like just getting rid of all communication.  Any link for anybody that I know to not talk to me anymore.  I'm done stretching my hand out to people, my friends just to hang out and see how they are doing.  You would think that on their part it'd be the same.  The out of nowhere phone call just to see how they are doing or what they are up to, especially now knowing that a lot of shit has come down these past couple of months.  I hate to realize all these things.  It pretty much sucks to have put myself out there for everyone willingly and not get the same in return.

~My drug of choice...kindness