Tout le Monde,

You know sometimes I wish I could just drop everything and start over.  That I could make my life happy and right if I didn't chose the hard way.

I almost died wednesday night.  I've been coming to grips with it and I guess it just hit me now.  My whole life I've been dealt bad hands with the notion of hope.  My mother, bless her.  She raise me and my brother on her own.  She made it and did a good job.  My brother, the coolest guy I know and with a personality that is ideal to find in a guy despite it all, no father, reckless, careless father, despite it all.  And I confused and little, I was kept protected from the truth, kept happy and taught to role with the punches, not to understand why they were there.  None the less, despite it all, I am what I am.  Good, kind, gental, forgiving, loving, caring, wanting, waiting.  Bless her with fortune in life, I can't ever be grateful to have someone show me the light in all the hell that I never knew about.

But here I am struggling to get by, through life, love, friendship, school, my professional life.  Dealt bad hands and just want to give up.  I wish I didn't have to work, try so hard, worry about how I'll pay for school or anything else that comes my way. Under pressure to be perfect, to know it all, and handle it.  I was only a kid!  Never had the chance to breath in all the muck.

I guess it hurt when you try and try and you would think that a bit of luck will come your way and mend the bumpy road.  Tired and exhausted I driving seeking life, seeking the muse to put the smile of my almost dry out of hope face.  And then I close my eyes for a split second, and RAM! into the guard rail I go. No pictures flashing, no moments of thought, not light at the end of the tunnel. 

I don't know how I am not hurt, in critical condition, or dead.  Just alone and scared and left with a few more strategies of getting by. Screw the petty problems, screw that piece of shit of a little boy that doesn't even have the balls to at least tell me that he went back to his ex girlfriend of minus 5 years of age than he.  That would have least been more respectable than saying nothing at all.

I know why I am alive.  God did not want me to go yet.  I have so much to offer in this world.  Everyone I meet and befriend, I touch in some way.  Being genuinely generous even when times are rough or I end up looking like a welcome mat, that's what I'll do.  I'll be who I am continue to be nice to others, and shit heads that look passed that deserve to be alone or be forever confused or end up with people that will never really make them happy.  So I'm done and over with Hopeless, litterally taking my new life, my second chance and spending it with anyone and everyone who is smart enough to see the value in that.

Speaking of, he didn't even ask if I was ok, and now that I just said that, both of them.  The fagot ass pussy of an ex boyfriend didn't ask me if I was ok after he ruthlessly broke up with me and the fagot ass pussy of a father didn't ask if I was ok after my car accident.  People like that you shouldn't give them a light of day.

~ I don't know it's not in my nature, but here I go again, on my own