Tout le Monde,

I don't know what I've done that was so bad.  A question that forever lingers and annoys the crap out of the average person.

Well after a face-to-face plea, a written letter, sent an invite to my birthday, not a single peep about what happened that night came from him. 

What had I done so terrible for him to treat me like this.  Talk about sleeping with a stranger.  I would have never fathomed the notion of him acting like this.  of course there were signs of immaturity that I picked up, I just foolishly ate up his words of persistance and persuation.

So the way that I read it is, we're different.  So I guess I really was the different spice in his girlfriend rack..  He lives in whitey town and has dated white girls.  To me I guess I was the convenient 'exotic' pretty girl that lived across the hall.  And what a time well spent if he'd just grow up and tell me what his problem is.

So now I see that "que sera, sera, What will be will be".  I'm not mad at him nor upset with him no more.  I pity such a person who can't face his problems.  So I guess we are different and I deserve better.

It takes a little bitch to treat someone so poorly.  I was funny, sweet, generous, kind, open-eared, and helpful whenever I could and this is what I got.  Heaven help the Hopeless fool that took me for granted.

     If you are reading this:

          From the bottom of my heart, I am really sorry for your troubles.  I can't blame myself for anything that I might have done to you because you never talk about how you feel.  For the record, my feelings toward you were genuine.  I shouldn't have been patient with you while you were still with your girlfriend.  I'm not too far off with the 'forming bad habbits' because look what you did.  I really have no idea why you are so mad at me, especially after my every attempts to make you talk.  Good luck to you and your endevors.  I hope you figure out your problems with your mom, Rob, and your dad.  I really hope that you just bite the bullet and deal with your anger.  Someday you'll mature enough to talk about your problems rather than lashing out and hurting people that care about you.

And with this I do not know what else to say.  Like I always do, I'll slap on a smile and truck along, sing my song.  There's light around the bend... and all those other cliches.  Oh and of course, 'everything happens for a reason'.  Usually in relationships my blinders are on and I didn't see the true character of a self proclaimed 'nice guy'.  And I don't need that.  I don't need to be honest and straight up with him if he wasn't with me.  He is confused, lonely, angry, and immature.

Courage... it's all you need.

~ Lyrics to song ironically popped in my head

   Jan Arden, "I'll Never Fall In Love Again"

          What do you get when you fall in love?

          A guy with a pin to burst your bubble.

          That's what you get for all your trouble.

           I'll never fall in love again.

           I'll never fall in love again.



           What do you get when you kiss a guy?

           You get enough germs to catch pnemonia.

            After you do he'll never phone ya.

             I'll never fall in love again.

            I'll never fall in love again.

            Don't tell me what its all about.

            'Cause I've been there and I'm glad I'm out.

            Out of those chains, those chains that bind you.

            That's why I'm here to remind you.

            What do you get when you fall in love?

             You get enough tears to fill an ocean.

             That's what you get for your devotion.

             I'll never fall in love again.

             I'll never fall in love again.

            What do you get when you fall in love?

            You only get lies and pain and sorrow.

(so true!)     So for at least until tomorrow,

             I'll never fall in love again.

             Whoah, whoah, I'll never fall in love again.