Tout le Monde,

A letter I wrote to 'ex' Air Force 1:

yeah i went over my minutes so i would have wanted to hear from you.  I think i've stopped being somewhat agry at him and gone to missing him and i'm sure this isn't what you would like to hear but i think that you are the only person that feel comfortable with feel anything openly that I would feel.  I spent last night with anita and arwa and i told them how i felt but i always feel like i have to put up a front with my friends because they wouldn't understand how I feel.  as much as I hate him right now, I miss him and I just want him to know that but I'm sure he wouldn't want to hear that from me.  I think that maybe he's read the letter I gave him or at least read my diary because he's concerned about how I feel, but I really don't know how he feels I just think that he doesn't want to talk to me because that's what he did that night and hasn't said anything to me since.  I just feel like i've been slapped into another world and i would really appreciated it if you were here to help me make sense of all of it.  I haven't cried since i don't know... i guess it all happened  and i've been holding it in to everybody just trying to be strong.  arwa and jess think that i'm the bomb for handing everything so well so far because jess would have called him already if she were me and arwa would have been flipping out.  but I just want to cry just want to allow myself to be weak and let it out, get mad at the world because there isn't anyone perfect for me and I don't mean perfection i mean just someone who doesn't treat me bad when I would give them the world if I could. you would know I tried to for you.  I'm just so bitter and tired of not having relationships not work for some bazarre reason.  and I know this isn't what you want to hear but it's how I feel and I feel like I can't even tell anybody how I really do because I've either already dated them or they think that I'm supergirl and is constantly taking things in stride.

btw, i was talking to jared there a bit about all this and he ended up calling me a cold hearted bitch.  that didn't bother me at all because what he was saying was obviously not true with him because he was the only guy that I could never forget and hoped would work like five times.  i think he was just pissed that he was moving in 3 months and finally thinks he had the chance but couldn't keep it. 

why do i try to make guys happy when obviously they don't care to do the same thing back? you and everyone else?  and then when i stop doing those things they think something is wrong and complain that I am being cold hearted.

well i've gotten my cry out so i think i should be fine for another couple of weeks.  i haven't written in my diary because i'm affraid to start typing my feelings and then breaking down.  I'm going to post this on there because this is really at my most vulnerable and most honest feelings. maybe I or someone will make sense of this and help me out here, give me a bone, a break, anything to make me smile again. I mean really smile and not a fake one.

I've been going out hanging with the chris and tim on and off base, made some friends down there, oh yeah and ironically there is this guy who i thought was nice but when i asked him his name guess what it was ... david!  I see his car everywhere, I see every new york license plate and determined that most of them start with a 'D' and I hate it.

I'm going to my brothers again tomorrow because i'm not cured yet of this heart ache I went there last weekend and didn't want to leave, but I was asked to massage at this benefit.  it was fun. a poker tournement i think 500-1000 dollar buy in and most of it went to this cancer organization.  I wore a white sleek suit.  it definately wasn't the go-go bar however i was hit on by this 38 year old it was uncomfortable but i handled it very well for the sake of the event.  a guy that i knew since showoff's asked me and it was nice, i made some pleasant conversations there and there was like maybe the one guy that was probably my age out of all the other oldies there. anyway i'll be back at my brothers tomorrow and back to south orange on monday.

I've been hanging out with friends here where I live.  I just started summer school and had made friends with some upper class archy peoples.  I don't know what will happen I just want to be happy and learn from these messes that find me.  hopefully i won't sound like this everytime so i hope your not sick of reading about my crap.  anyways i've got to get back to my school work. i'm doing very well for the first week and want to keep that up.

I'll talk to you later ok? let me know what's going on with you and what you do there.

~Oy vey!