Tout le Monde,

Where to begin?  Hm... all I know is that last night I had the night from hell.  It was like I was in an episode of MTV's Punked.  Well I took my yearnings from yesterday and just drove out after work.  I wanted to clear my head.  I wanted to think things through.  Friends tell me about how a relationship should be and that when I don't talk or hang out with Hopeless as much, that this is not normal.  So I thought maybe they are right maybe we should be talking to each other more and hanging out more.  But I was fine with whatever before.  It didn't matter to me if we didn't talk for a day or didn't see each other for a while, but I guess my friends got to me and I thought that, that was supposed to happen.  So this is what I wanted to think about.  On the drive up I started to loosen up and become happy again.  Got some wine and got to Hight Point only to find it closed.  And yes I was drinking the wine.  I tell Hopeless that it's closed.  He said he knew it'd be closed and I told him you could have told me that before when I had asked him if it would be.  Anyway he says to go to his house and bring him a pack of cigarettes.  So I do.  I made a joke and I said 'I know why you didn't tell him it'd be closed, because you wanted me to end up seeing you'.  I don't think he took that as a joke.

So I get there hang out in the garage he didn't say hi to me or anything so I thought that was a little weird.  I felt bad about yesterday and him telling me he missed me so I went to him and hugged him and told him that I missed him with a slap of a smile on my face even though I was still a little upset.

So I don't know where it because or what was said but basically he tells me that this wasn't going to work out because we are different people.  He was saying something along the lines of 'I told you this and about my brother and yadda yadda', but I had no idea what he was talking about. 

So I'm devastated because he went from telling me he missed me the day before to inviting me to his house after High Point was closed, to dumping me then and there with no real reason other than we are different.  I think he would have noticed that when we first met.  I was devastated because we had a talk about whether or not we were worth working out over the summer.  He and I agreed that we were.  Only a week past the end of the semester and he calls it quits.  HE SHOULDN"T HAVE AGREED WITH ME THEN because then, it would have been easier to let go.

I like the boy a lot, more so than I expected and for him to decieve me and dump me then hold me 'hostage' is not fair!

So I tried to leave in my car because I just couldn't believe this was happening.  It was pitch black so I couldn't see the driveway and end up backing up in a ditch.  Needless to say my car got stuck and they couldn't pull it out.  Hopeless tells me to go in the house and worry about it in the morning but I told him that I had to go to work. 

So I called AAA. They said they were sending someone over but over an hour later no one showed so I called again and they said that they were having trouble finding someone local to get me.  They did however end up finding someone and wanted me to explain where I was.  I told them how I got there but I couldn't help them with directions because I am not familiar with the area.  So I truck upstairs give the phone to Hopeless and he mumbles for a bit and then hangs up the phone.  Now I"M SHOCKED! Did he really not want to help me?  Why was he keeping me here?  Especially after breaking up with me? 

So I went back downstairs and tried to pass out.  I wake up moments later by his mother who tells me that there is someone outside.  It was the tow guy wow I didn't think they'd show.  Him and his boss was mad at me for making them wait.  I told both of them that I was sorry and that because Hopeless had hung up on them, I really didn't think that they were coming.  the tow guy thankfully said that it was ok however his boss was really pissed at me.  He ended up needing a shouvel so the mother ended up bringing Hopeless and his brother out to give him a shouvel.  At this point I am really embarrassed and told his mother that I'd resod the lawn for her.

He did not look at me, did not talk to me, did not touch me and I'm thinking how ruthless can you be?  I cared about him and obviously liked him and he could console me, couldn't comfort me, couldn't give anything.  What had I done?  What did I do so bad for him to just end it.  I felt so stupid for liking him, for changing so many things for him, and for wishing the best for us on a falling star.  Then I would think about all the things he's said.  How he wanted to still be together over the summer, how he sent me a one month anneversary card a couple months back telling me that he appreciates me being patient with me when he was having issues with his ex, and commending me on my trust with him that his feelings were genuine and not a spur of the moment, and finally assuring me that our relationship however new, would grow into something better.  Little did I know that it would grow into a ditch with no compassion or explaination.

I tried to talk to him one last time and he wasn't having it.  He gave me a hug.  I dont know if he meant it but I took it in.  I wished that all of this didn't happen and I wish I knew what started this nightmare.

I went back downstairs to force myself to sleep, but it wasn't working.  I just layed there and thought.  Thought about when he dumped his girlfriend and text me right after, 'I'm yours'.  I guess what goes around comes around and I got mine.  I though so much about that shooting star and damned myself for seeing it.  I thought that this was just a dream and I would wake up next to him.  I cried myself to sleep, from what I remember, and to the best of my knowledge, I woke up a lone.

There's more but it's too much to write.  Basically I didn't make it to my job on time and lost the house I was supposed to measure.  Hopeless didn't remember some things last night so I guess he was drunk.  Once I found that out I had wished that he'd wake up not remembering a lot of things and realizing that he threw away someone really special.

There is so many things I wish right now.  I wish he'd talk to me,  I wish he'd say sorry, wish he'd take it all back everything he said.

~Tired, exhausted, hurt, still liking, devasted, wanting, waiting, hoping, maybe giving up.