Tout le Monde,

I don't want to sleep, but I'm tired.  I don't want to talk, just look around and feel the pounding in my head.  Why was this happening?

After last night I feel empty and helpless but internally yelling so loud that I can hear the ringing in my head.

Air Force 1, I had seen him before he left to UAE thinking that I would make amends, but I ended up going there without a thought in my mind as to why I was even there and I'm sure that his choices that he made that night didn't help my clarity either. 

But I don't want to talk about that yet at least not on here.  I play it in my head.  The scenerios of the past and what happened last night and what I thought about it today.  I just want silence in this skin of mine.

On top of the interesting night, Hopeless acted just like Hopeless.  He called me like I knew he would.  Out of ego or out of genuine care, then again he never really talks to me everyday so what a coincidence that he would hit me up the day I asked him if I could go see Air Force 1. 

Why does he feel that it is ok to be 'MIA' every now and then and occasionally call me up just to say nothing at all?  It never really was like that was it?  I remember him calling me whenever I wasn't there seeing what I was doing, how sweet those days were.  And I know that post 'honeymoon' things like that don't happen anymore, but I mean at least text me a goodnight, goodmorning, a goodsomething... once a day.  OH! and why does he feel that it's okay 'post taking my time just to see him for a couple of hours' to say "maybe" when I tell him that we should plan on doing something together?!  Does he not want to be with me.  I feel like he's just with me out of convenience. 

Why do I have to try so hard to make people happy.  I'll sit there and put my two cents in, trying to make him see a third party opinion, but he doesn't care.  He does what he'll want to do so basicaly I just wasted my breath.  Why do I have to try so hard to make things work.  I'll go out of my way just to be with him and him knowing that he's free this week and I could be free this week, hasn't attempted to set up a date or anything.  I know that the week is going to go by and he won't plan on anything.

And that's why

"...i don't want to see you or feel you, i don't want to look into your eyes. i don't want to touch you or miss you, i just want to love your memory tonight..."

I'm numb but have a tingly feeling inside. I just want to be sad and bawl my eyes out.  I want to know why he's with me and if he even cares.  Cares enough to see that I'm honest and tell him everything, see that I miss him and would want to go see him at ever chance that I can get.  But I don't want him to treat me like a stranger and lie to me about how he feels or what's going on in his head.  I don't want him to be comfortable and think that I'll do all the work, and not lift a finger to see me or be sweet to me.

Ugh the more I think about this, the more I become disgusted.  So here I sit at work just wanting to leave.  Just drive off to nowhere and clear my head, trying to figure out why's and how's.  Wonder if he'll come around and be the way he was when I had met him.

~Help!