Tout le Monde,

Insomnia part four? is it?  I would wish that Hopeless was here to help me sleep, or at least make me feel better about being awake and alone.  But I'm not in dire need of him right now, at least not yet.  Don't get me wrong, he puts the smile in my day, but I've been getting used to not seeing him and I'm ok with that. 

I could only imagine also that if I were to continue to go out of my way to see him that it would make his life that much easier but then he wouldn't do things like that for me.  I'm running a pool and I'm guessing about a week and a half to two weeks to get him to actually come see me.  And I'm guessing about a week or almost a week to ask me to hang out whether it'd be me going up there or him coming down here.  And this would be me not pushing for any hangout.  Just me waiting on him to see what he would do.  And yes I'm skepticle about him even lifting a finger to try to be with me so right now the other pool would be how long it would take me to get pissed off at him.  That is not a pool that I can guestemate however.  I guess I just have to keep busy and hang out with friends.

Besides that, something has been bothering me.  Hm... I'm looking for a name that best suits this guy.  There's jackass, jackard (combination between jackass and bastard), marbley eyes... mmm... marbley eyes.  I remember when he was marbley eyes and still do.  His eyes that haunt me for some days now.  I think about what could have been.  What could have been the first time around... then the second... then the third... and finally the fourth uh no make that fifth.  They say how some people aren't meant for that time.  That couples fade but can rejuvinate at a later stage in life.  The part that makes me angry and the part that bothers me is that I've been thinking about just that for the past few days.  I'm still bitter and even more so since nothing has changed and that it always has to be his way on his schedule.  If he had just waited who knows what could have happened.  All I know is that with time on my hands, the fear of those marbley eyes has been attacking me out of control, out of nowhere.  So lets call him the infamous Jackard.  If he is reading this he knows very well of this name and that it still identifies you as an ex to me.

Others that maybe reading this, know that Jackard was just a chapter in my life that never was finished.  And although I'd want to finish it somehow, I do want to write the rest of 'my book'.  I could say that I love Jackard, well loved him, but now I feel a love that one would give when you generally care about somebody.  Even after all the bullshit that Jackard has bestowed upon me,  I can't shake him off and I can't wipe him out of my head.  I never could and never did.  I don't know if that is a curse or just a reminder.  I would appreciate not thinking about him at all because I'd hate to have that mess me up.

I'm with Hopeless and although I don't know what lies ahead or eager to know what lies ahead with him, the fact that I have, had, or still have two guys that love me very much, they fucked up and I don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing.  How do you pass up love?  I'm sure that everybody wants it genuinely.  For me to have so much passion in reserve out of the pure scariness of it, how can I run from love that is or was so readily there for me?  I don't know.  I'm going by my gut though I guess.  I know that love is out there for me, something just right for me.  Something er someone that won't fuck it up.  Someone normal and not deceiteful.  I don't know when that'll be, where, or who but my new positive outlook on life is that it'll be there and when it is given to me  I won't be afraid to want it and all the passion that I have to love in return will be released, and it will be Awsome.

So hopefully, these night and day-mares will fade and Jackard and Air Force 1 won't haunt me no longer.

~J'aime... Quoi?