Tout le Monde,

Ok here's the deal.  Everything been on the up and up so far with me and hopeless.  Hopeless being the bad timing, wrong situation type of guy.  I mean we're talking amazing, like the rule of just casually dating till I hold that degree in my hand has comepletely changed.  Like dating 'Mr. Man' and not completely giving a shit out of the relationship and trying to maintain that kind of creo is abolished.

I've never been so comfortably open to my feelings and emotions with Hopeless.  The problem here is two things, well maybe several but two that are bothering me now.  One is that he is the first guy in a long time that lives out of state.  The only reason why we are together a lot is because he lives across the hallway in the dormatory we're staying in.  The second is the fact that the semester is practically over, or will be as of this week for regular classes.  Oh damnit, ok and the third is that I don't know what to do with all this.

In response to the first problem, I garauntee that I can make it work.  I don't think it'd be hard to come up almost every weekend or whatever.  I have no doubt that I would put my share of effort if not more than himself into the relationship for the next 4 months.  The thing that I fear is that well lol it boils down to worrying about meeting an intriguing other just like he met me.  It is only natural to be interested in others especially when you can't be with the person you want to be with at that moment.  And it is no offense to Hopeless himself but to the nature of people in general.  I know that I too would be frustrated if I wanted him here and he can't be, so naturally people end up blocking it out by hanging with people that are available.

For the second, it sucks being an architect major because life outside of school is a privaleged treat.  Projects, papers, and tests are coming up so there isn't much time for a life.  Relizing that there aren't so many days left with Hopeless and between watching tv and typing this I'm thinking what the hell am I complaining about!  I could be just me but I would like to go out and do some stuff on my terf before he goes back home.  When I mentioned something like that to him he just made it sound like he'd be too busy to hang which is understandable but didn't take the second look at it to tell me something like 'we'll figure it out'.

Now the third.  Ugh! ok I might as well say it now, but I'm really struggling here with what I'm supposed to be feeling.  Granted I've vowed since stupid Mr. Man that I'd be more open and live my life feeling as much as I can whenever I feel it, but this is nuts!  I really don't know where to go with this one.  Last night I had a dream, or, err, I think it was a dream.  Damnit dreams!  Well I had one where I could have sworn I told Hopeless that I love him.  What the heck and my dreams.  I know there were times where I felt just so could that I couldn't describe what I was feeling, but love?  I guess it was just a dream because whenever I feel a certain about of goodness for Hopeless I always get a dose of doubt as well.  My basic instinct is Never feel it first and whether that works or not, Never say it first.  I could just be thinking crazy.  Yeah I'll just give this thing some time see if it makes it through the summer.

So screw all that complication.  I went camping this weekend and it was great.  I was able to sort out my thoughts some about what I want to do with my life right now.  The one thing that bothered me some was that I'm practically a chameleon when it comes to anything.  I was brought up a small town girl, living in a big city life, but I also love the outdoors and being miles away from life.  So i'd be off walking through the woods making my mini advantures but Hopeless wasn't what he said he was.  He didn't come with me, we didn't sit by the lake, we didn't watch any stars at night.  Wow this sucks lol.  I guess to don't see things till you put it down. Ugh well forget this

Je ne sais pas!