Tout le Monde,

Saturday afternoon and just staring into space.  Laying here on my bed soaking in as much light coming from one window unit in this dark dorm room.  Thinking about all the guys I know and in contact with, thinking and evaluating my life.

This one guy, very wrong for me.  28, criminal record, sex crazed, sexist, italian tough guy.  But when I see him and put my arms around him, bury my cheek into his chest i feel like maybe it could work.

I thought of a friend who dates a girl who visually is different from him. Color, size, personality, yet somehow it works.  And I look at them and realize that anything goes and what they have, I want.  I think to myself it could work.

Mr. Man stuck on his high horse when he is as low to the ground than the ants that march on.  It makes me sick to succomb to his presence in mind or in person.  That when I feel alone and want a hug or want affection.  I call upon him to give that to me.  As I feel and ponder ways to make him feel as hurt as I am I think that maybe it could work.

And of course top story of the month with the new comer.  Perfect in almost every way.  Smart, whitty, nice and sweet, tall, caring, blue eyed and sensual.  Talk about 'replacement'.  But never skipping the fact that he is already taken.  My 'Inconvenient Truth'.  Despite the fact that habbits formed are usually to stay and so I'm shamefully the 'other girl'.  Disgusted and repulsed at the situation and my actions I think maybe it might work.

Staring at my work I opened by blog.  And here I am finally writing about my problems.  You see as I would have wished the 28 year old would be my anchor.  A caring, lovingk and responsible one at that.  As I would have also wished that Mr. Man would grow up and fight for what he feels is right, unless I do not make him feel that 'right at home'.  Or if I could wish that this new guy had no current or would act on the relized notion that he doesn't want to be with her... or does he?  My wish that even though in each situation these obviously different worlds that have collided can find me, but be derserving of me.  That it should work.

If it one of them could and should work then why isn't it?  I relize that it isn't me; Mr. Man could just choose to be back with me despite family, the 28 year old can shed the 'manly' facade and be for real with me, that this new guy can be 110% sure of where and who he wants to be with and not leave me in the wing.

So it's not me and that is the worst curse of them all.  So then I'll lay here and stare thinking about all the guys I knew and all the hurt I feel.  Only to come to one solution.  Leave them all alone, be alone.  The right one, smart one, most deserving one will come along.  He won't hesitate and won't play any games.  He'll be confident, secure, and positive about his choice.  To choose me and want me, love me, and make me happy.

Until that day I should drop these losers that cannot see a good thing when I'm not present, but will damn sure will when they find out I'm gone.

Fuck those bastards!

Au Revoir