Tout le Monde,

Ok I just don't understand for the life of me why I can't get over this idiot!  Why did he have to tell me that he misses me?  Guys always know the idiotic things to say that make even the toughest walls crumble!

So I went to think about why I can't get him out of my head.  At first I thought that maybe it's because we've been more sweet to each other and more open to talk about what happened and what he liked and missed.  And I thought why am I the way I am with him.

He was a crummy boyfriend.  Was hard to talk to or to have him open up to me.  He hardly took me out and didn't care if I needed anything.  Whatever we did was determined by what he was going to get out of it.

But then why? Why do I still like him?  Why does my heart just stop when I see him or see him online even.  Why does it skip a beat when I see a text message from him.  And why does it hurt when he doesn't call?

Then I realized  I've always felt that way.  I've always had my heart stop when I see him and have it skip a beat when he texts me.  And it definately hurt when he never calls me.  And then some... the pain of which there is more!

The pain of love.  What is love?  It is!  I fell for this kid harder than my mind was willing to see! or anybody else for that matter.  I gave him my heart my soul when it was most vulnerable.  I did any and everything for him just to see him smile.  Giving him that crazy out of this world backyard candle light dinner all from scratch.  Watching and adoring him as he fumbled on the wall when we went rock climbing.  Looking at eachother in studio and having nothing to say but just smile.  Throwing him a surprise party.  Helping out his sister.  Getting things for his mother.  Taking him here and there, buying him things.  Saving his butt in his classes helping him out.

Why all this for what he  was giving me (not much of anything no emotion, no dates, no quality time)?  Why all but to love him?  Even when I wasn't getting anything in return to love him?

So you see, used and abused as they say, but hey, i'd give anything to have him ever feel all the things that I did for him.

I've wasted every amount of effort and feeling towards a guy who'll never step up to the plate. 

Why can't I put my efforts on someone appreciate it?  Why should I continue to be with someone who doesn't really want to be with me? or does he? who the heck knows!

Bon soir,

~Dazed and Confused