The One With the Dry Spell

I've noticed that one of the main things Monica and Chandler pride themselves on about their relationship is a great sex life. The beginning of their relationship was based on sex, and they've both admitted being the best each other's ever had. So I figured I could mix things up without having them mix it up. This may not be very original, or very good, but I'm writing it anyway. This is rated R for sexual content, but not the "physical act of love." Also, it would help to know "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye or you might be slightly confused.

Disclaimer: I don't own them, and I'm okay with that.

 

[Scene: Central Perk. Monica and Phoebe are sitting on the couch.]

Mon: hey, Phoebe?

Phoe: Yeah?

Mon: have you ever been with a guy...

Phoe: Yes, of course!

Mon: I wasn't finished.

Phoe: Oh, see I thought you were, but go ahead.

Mon: Okay. Have you ever been in a relationship where you go through a period of no sex?

Phoe: Um, no.

Mon: Really?

Phoe: I don't think so. But that only happens to married people, right?

Mon: (light chuckle) right, 'cause people who aren't married.. they don't go through that! (looks away)

Phoe: Right! Except the Pope...

They're both silent for a few seconds and finally Monica can't take it.

Mon: Okay you dragged it out of me! Chandler and I haven't done it in a week!

Phoe: Really? Wow! Poor Chandler..

Mon: Why poor Chandler?

Phoe: I meant, poor Monica..

Mon: No, I'm sorry.. you're right. I've always been able to hold out longer than Chandler. I don't know what's wrong with me.

Phoe: Maybe it's because you know that even if you wanted it, and obviously you do, you can't have it.

Mon: Well how do I get it? Because I'm telling ya... I can't hold out much longer.

Phoe: (thinks for a few seconds) Oh! Have you tried sexy lingerie?

Mon: I usually don't have to take that route, but, yeah.. been there, done that.

Phoe: Okay, what about a massage? No wait, you don't want to hurt him.

Monica glares at Phoebe.

Phoe: I've got it.. How about you try the spoon move.

Mon: What's the spoon move?

Phoe: Um, okay you know how the guy spoons you?

Mon: yeah..

Phoe: well you just inch your backside into him... He'll be ready in no time!

Mon: And you've tried that?

Phoe: Yeah, of course. Remember Celibate Sam?

Mon: Yeah.

Phoe: (giggles) Well he wasn't when I was finished with him.

[Time Lapse: Monica & Chandler's bedroom that evening. Chandler is lying on his side as Monica gets into bed.]

Mon: hey sweetie, are you asleep?

Chan: (yawns) almost.

Monica slides as close to Chandler as she can.

Chan: (V.O) Oh man! she wants to cuddle now?

Mon: (V.O) Okay Monica.. just turn and inch... turn and inch. (she slides into the spoon position)

Chan: (V.O) Uh-oh... She trapped me in the spoon!

Mon: Honey, I was thinking. We haven't spent any time together alone in a while. Maybe we should go away for the weekend?

Chan: (slowly moves away from Monica) Uh, sure sweetie, whatever you want. I'll get on the plans tomorrow.

Mon: (V.O) Did he just move away from me? That can't be... I'm the best! (scoots back even further)

Chan: (V.O) I wish morning would get here already. Hmm, I never thought I'd be in this bed and have that sentence come out of my mouth..

Mon: (V.O) Oh my God! What if he's not attracted to me anymore? No, that's not possible. Come on girl, snap out of it... he always wants to get with this..

Everytime Chandler inched back a bit, so did Monica. She tried wiggling her hips into his pelvis but it didn't work. After the last effort, Chandler had inched back so far there was no more bed to work with.

Chan: (falling to the floor) Ow! Damnit!

Mon: (turning over) Oh my God! Chandler are you okay?

Chan: (weakly) Sure.. I might have a slight concussion and a broken back but I'll be fine.

Monica got out of the bed to help Chandler off the floor.

Mon: What were you doing on the edge of the bed?

Chan: I don't know. I must've slide back in my sleep.

Mon: That is unbelievable... so weird.

Chan: Yeah, tell me about it.

[Time lapse: C&M's The next morning. Monica comes out of the bathroom after showering and Chandler is waiting in the kitchen.]

Chan: Good morning.

Mon: (joins him at the table) Good morning.

Chan: You feeling okay?

Mon: Yeah, why?

Chan: Well you were in the shower for a long time, I thought maybe... (realizes what she was doing and goes to the bathroom)

Mon: Chandler, what are you doing?

Chandler re-enters the kitchen holding the detached massager. It looks to be broken.

Chan: What the hell happened?

Mon: What? I was just taking a shower. (nervous laughter) There's no crime in that.

Chan: (mumbles) Yeah, whatever. (re-enters bathroom)

Rach: (entering) Hey Mon.

Mon: Hey.

Rach: Do you have a small black bag?

Mon: I think so. Why?

Rach: Phoebe and I are going shopping.. Hey, you should come with.

Mon: Um, I don't think so.

Rach: Come on, why not? Oh, Pheebs told me about your little problem. (smiles) Are you going to stay here and work on it?

Mon: On second thought I will go. I'll only be a few minutes. (enters her bedroom and comes back out dressed minutes later)

Rach: What made you change your mind?

Mon: Um.. I need a new shower massager.

Rach: Oh... Ooh.. Really?

Mon: Yes, and I don't know what's wrong. Maybe it's because we've both been so busy, but that's never stopped us before.

Rach: (hugs Monica) Honey I'm so sorry.. But listen, that's why you need to come out with us today. Take your mind off of it for a while, get some shopping done. It'll calm you.

Mon: Rach, shopping isn't that relaxing for me.

Rach: Hey, don't knock it till you try it. You have your shower massager, and I have shopping...

Mon: Really? (opens door)

Rach: Oh God yes! (exits)

[Scene: Ross's apartment. Ross, Chandler and Joey are watching television.]

Joey: There's nothing like kicking back with your friends with good beer and a Knicks game.

Ross: You got that right... although the History Channel had a cool special on Egyptian religious customs... I'll go get the popcorn. (goes to the kitchen)

Joey: That's what I'm talking about. (looks at Chandler) Hey man, you all right?

Chan: Not really.

Joey: (looking at the TV) Well as long as you're okay..

Chan: Joe? I said not really.

Joe: What? (looks at Chandler) I don't want to miss the replay. (looks back at the TV) Oh man, I missed it. Damnit Chandler!

Ross: (re-enters) What's going on?

Joey: I missed Sprewell's shot... Oh, and Chandler's all depressed.

Ross: (to Chandler) Is everything okay?

Joey: Of course not... they won't show the replay again!

Ross: I was talking to Chandler.

Joey: Oh.

Chan: No, everything's not okay... but I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to you about it.

Ross: Why not?

Chan: Because.. It's about me and Monica.

Ross: Chandler, I'm her older brother. I care what happens to her.

Chan: We haven't had sex in over a week.

Joey: Whoa.. Half-time.

Ross: Okay, that's too much information.

Chan: I don't know how it happened. One minute we're going at it like rabbits..

Ross: (interrupting) Dude, did you not hear me say too much information?

Chan: And the next minute we're like an old couple.. where even viagra is of no help.

Joey: You've tried viagra? I knew Monica was too much for you to handle.

Ross: Joey, that's my sister.

Chan: And my girlfriend.. and no I don't use viagra.

Joey: Oh... sor-ry.

Chan: And it gets worse. I think I lost my sense of humor, my wit, my sarcasm... let's face it, the essence of Chandler Bing.

Ross: No you haven't. You're still the same smart-ass you've always been.

Chan: Are you kidding me? Your comment about the History Channel... breezed right by me. I missed my window of opportunity!

Joey: Yeah you did.

[Cut to: Outside in NYC. The girls are walking down the street with shopping bags, mostly belonging to Rachel.]

Mon: Are we done shopping? I'm a little tired.

Phoe: Yeah me too. Why don't we go get something to eat?

Rach: Great, I'm starving!

Mon: Sounds good to me. What are we eating?

Phoe: How about Chinese food?

Mon: No, I just had Chinese yesterday.

Rach: Sushi?

Mon: Nope.

Phoe: Oh.. Italian?

Mon: Eh.. I don't think so.

Rach: Then why did you ask?

Mon: I wanted to know what you girls wanted.

Phoe: Mon, why don't you just pick a restaurant.

Rach: Yes, please do.

Mon: Well, if you insist..

[Time Lapse: The girls are exiting out of Uno's Restaurant. They go to an aromatherapy shop first. They walk down the street in silence when they come upon a peculiar sign.]

Rach: What the hell is that!

Mon: Oh my God!

Phoe: That's so cool!

They're staring up at a sign that says "SexTopia" in bold letters going across a giant smiling condom. They walk closer to the shop.

Rach: (reading off the window) "SexTopia.. Perfect sex doesn't exist, but you can have fun trying." (laughs) Ain't that the truth.

Phoe: Let's go in.

Mon: Phoebe are you crazy? I'm not going in there.

Phoe: Jeez Mon. You of all people should be running in there, right? (laughs)

Rach: Monica, it's just for fun. What harm could it do?

Mon: I guess you're right. Okay. (enters the shop behind Rachel and Phoebe)

[Time Lapse: SexTopia. The girls are spread out around the shop. Monica is looking at the sex enhancer products and Rachel and Phoebe are around the self-enjoyment products.. hehe]

Rach: Pheebs, check this out. This doesn't look like it could do anything. (holds up a rather generic dildo)

Phoe: But I bet this could! (holds up a vibrator called Pleasure Master 3000)

Rach: (laughs) I can't believe I'm in a sex shop. This stuff is unreal.

A store employee comes up to them.

Emp: Hi, can I help you ladies with anything?

Rach: Well, no. We were just browsing.

Phoe: Can you tell me what this does? (holds up a ladybug)

Emp: Well this is a hot seller here. The woman attaches it to her thighs and it vibrates on her clitoris.

Rach: (blushes) Wow.. Hey, thanks for explaining that. (Monica joins her) Hey Monica.

Mon: Hey, what's up.

Phoe: This nice employee was explaining to us how this ladybug works.

Mon: Ladybug? Interesting name. How does it work?

Emp: Well you attach it to your upper thigh area, and..

Rach: (interrupts) And it vibrates on your clitoris! Isn't that great Monica? Why am I talking so loud?

Mon: Calm down sweetie.

Phoe: What else do you have?

Emp: Well, this right here is the most popular brand of self-enhancing products we sell. Many customers have dubbed it the "Mr. Big".

The employee shows them a very natural looking dildo.

Phoe/Rach/Mon: WOW!

Rachel's cell phone rings.

Rach: Excuse me..

Mon: Hey, did you call it Mr. Big?

Emp: Yes.

Mon: (giggles) Okay.

Phoe: What is it?

Mon: (whispers) You know that's my nickname for Chandler..

Phoe: Oh, right! Is he really?

Mon: I wouldn't call him that if he wasn't.

[Cut to: Rachel answering her phone.]

Rach: Hello?

[Cut to: Chandler at C&M's.]

Chan: Hey Rach.

[Switch back to Rachel]

Rach: Oh, hey Chandler. What's up?

Chan: (V.O) Nothing much. Uh, is Monica with you?

Rach: Yeah, why?

Chan: (V.O) I'm setting up a surprise for Monica here, and I need you to keep her out as long as you can.

Rach: Sure, no problem.

Phoebe comes up holding the Mr. Big and making funny gestures.

Rach: (laughs) Phoebe!

[Switch back to Chandler]

Chan: Rach?

Phoe: (V.O) Ooh look it's Mr Big! (Rachel laughs)

Chan: Rach!

Rach: (V.O) I'm sorry Chandler, did you say something?

Chan: Where are you guys?

[Switch to Rachel in front of a shelf full of vibrators.]

Rach: Just a shop in Soho. A regular shop.

Chan: (V.O) Did I hear you say Mr. Big?

Rach: What! (nervous laughter) Of course not. I've never heard that term before in my life! (pause) Okay, I gotta go. (hangs up the phone)

Rachel finds Phoebe and Monica near the sex enhancer section. They're looking at items like beads, motion lotion, etc.. Use your imagination.

Rach: Hey, what are you looking at?

Phoe: Um, just some things Monica may need to get her own Mr. Big's attention.

Monica and Phoebe laugh at her joke.

Mon: I don't think any of this stuff will help me.

Phoe: Why don't you try this body oil, huh? Ooh it's flavored.

Rach: Yeah, you could rub it over him, and then lick it off.

Mon: Kinky... It just might work!

[Scene: Central Perk, Joey is there as Monica, Rachel and Phoebe walk in from their adventure.]

Joey: Hey, where've you guys been?

Rach: Shopping.

Joey: Did you get me anything?

Rach: Did you give me any money?

Joey: No.

Rach: Then, no.

Joey: (turning to Phoebe and Monica) So where did you go?

Phoe: We went to this new aroma therapy store...

Joey: (interrupting) Cool

Phoe: ..and then we went to the sex shop right next door.

Joey: What? You went without me? Why? Why would you do that!

Mon: Joey, relax..

Joey: (yelling) I can't relax!

Monica tries to pat him on the arm but he shied away.

Joey: (in a softer tone) I'm sorry, alright? I'm just too upset.

Mon/Phoe: It's okay

Joey: Maybe you can comfort me later with some of those things you bought.

Rach: Joey!

Joey: What?

Rach: (looks at Monica) Well the pervert does have a point..

Joey winks and smiles at Monica, who in turn cringes.

Rach: What I mean is, why don't you take that stuff upstairs and, you know... get it on.

Mon: "Get it on?"

Rach: (smiles) yeah, that's my new phrase for sex. (off Monica's look) As opposed to "mixing it up".

Mon: (smiles) Oh, right. Okay then... I'm gonna go and seduce my boyfriend.

Phoe: Good luck Mon. Oh, and remember.. happy thoughts and inner muscle clenches.

Mon: Thanks Pheebs. Bye guys. (exits)

Phoe: Rach, I really like "get it on".

Rach: Yeah, me too. It sounds... hip.

Joey: Hey Rach, how about you and me (in his sex voice) gettin' it on?

Rach: Okay, now it just sounds dirty.

[Cut to: Monica & Chandler's. The beginning chords of Marvin Gaye's Let's Get it On greets Monica as she enters.]

[A.N: cool segue huh?]

Mon: Oh my God...

Monica looks around the apartment to see that Chandler had set up a romantic evening for them with candles, dinner and music. She was touched by the effort.

Chan: Hey gorgeous

Mon: (turning in his direction) Chandler... I can't believe you did this.

Chan: Well then the surprise worked. (smiles) I wanted to do this for you.. for us.

Mon: (smiles) Really?

Chan: (pulls her into his arms) Really. I know things haven't been great lately, and it's been so long since we've spent an evening like this. It's long overdue.

Mon: I totally agree. I miss this... just the two of us being together. I mean, I love our friends, but they need to get a life!

Chandler laughs then gives Monica a slow and deep kiss.

Mon: Hmm... that was good.

Chan: And there's more where that came from.

Mon: Sweetie?

Chan: Yeah?

Mon: When did you set this up? You were at work all day.

Chan: I got off early, and Rachel helped me by keeping you out all day. (looks at her shopping bags) By the way, what did you buy?

Mon: (turning his head back to her) Uh, nothing important. This was so sweet of you. I understand the candles and dinner, but Marvin Gaye?

Chan: I've been told his music is a proven aphrodisiac.

Mon: Is that so? I think you may be right. (kisses him on the neck)

Chan: (breathing heavily) Yep, with Marvin Gaye encouraging me to get it on how can I fail?

Mon: (laughs) I think the only person you have to worry about failing is me.

Monica's giggle was stifled as Chandler pulled her body flush with his and kissed her. She felt his erection and moaned, giddily thinking how they were finally back to having all the sex.

[Scene: Central Perk the next day. Everyone but Joey and Ross is there.]

Rach: (to Chandler and Monica) You guys look happy. I take it last night was a success?

Mon: (smiles) Yeah baby.

Rach: What?

Mon: Sorry. I just can't pull that off like Joey.

Chan: For the most part, neither can Joey. (off everybody's laugh he says to himself) yes, I am back!

Phoe: Mon, did you use the goodies you bought?

Chan: What goodies?

Mon: That would be no.

Rach: Actually, I woke up this morning to find a shopping bag with a note attached saying, "thanks but I won't be needing this. Maybe you could use these the next time you get it on."

Chan: What goodies?!

Mon: Rach, did you take them back?

Rach: Uh, well I was going to, but Joey insisted on taking them back.

Mon: That's okay, we didn't need them anyway. (gives Chandler a kiss)

Phoe: Aww.. You guys are so cute.

Mon/Chan: We know.

Rach: So tell us the details..

Mon: Rach! I'm not going to give you the details of a very intimate and private time between Chandler and me.

Chan: That's right. (leans over to the table)

Mon: (whispers) I'll tell you later.

Rach/Phoe: Alright.

Chan: All you need to know is that I am the king of romance!

Mon: Yeah you are!

Chan: Yeah I am! (starts singing) "Let's get it on..."

Mon: (sings back) "Let's get it on."

Phoe: Oh, fun! (joins in) "Let's get it on.... let's get it on!"

Phoebe encouraged everyone to join in to the dismay of Monica and Chandler.

[Cut to: SexTopia. Joey enters with a grin on his face.]

Joey: Yeah baby.. (heads to the front counter)

Emp: What can I do for you?

Joey: (gives employee the bag) I want to return these things.

Emp: Okay. You do realize that because of the products that are sold here, the items have to be un-opened and in their original packaging.

Joey: (removes a bottle of flavored body oil) done.

Emp: Is that it?

Joey: Yep.

Emp: Okay, so you're returning (pulls items out of the bag) the love beads, motion lotion, and the edible underwear... (starts to ring the items up)

Joey: Wait a minute. (takes the edible underwear) I'll just keep these.

Emp: (laughs) Whatever you want.

Joey looks at the employee and notices how pretty she is.

Joey: So...

Emp: Hmm?

Joey: How you doin'?

Emp: Good.

Joey: No, I said, how you doin'?

Emp: And I said good.

Joey: You're supposed to be impressed by my sex appeal.

Emp: Eh..

Joey: So it didn't do anything for you, huh?

Emp: Look, don't take this personally... No, do take this personally. I don't date customers.

Joey: Oh, okay then. (pause) 'Cause I could really..

Emp: No, no, I'm good. I'll be right back.

Joey begins to look around the shop and sees the "Mr. Big."

Joey: Whoa!

He looks down at himself and then looks back at the Mr. Big.

Joey: Nah! (employee re-enters and they share a glance)

Emp: Yeah..

Joey: (looks at the dildo again) Yeah?

Emp: (nods) Hmm..

Joey: (pauses) Oh man!

 

The End

Hey, thanks for reading, and I am working on the Luv Jones Epilogue. If you're wondering about my knowledge on sex shops, ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies. *lol* Anyway, please read & review, and email me with any other comments: [email protected].