Chapter 11

The next three days were wonderfull for both of them. Annie wore Matt’s clothes, even though she was practically swimming in them. Matt thought they made her look cute, like a kid, and had told her so, which had made her laugh. He loved to make her laugh.

The first night after the confrontation with Dave, Annie went to bed in the guest room, as if she was afraid the things Dave had said might come true if she didn’t. but when Matt woke up, Annie was next to him. She said she couldn’t sleep unless she was with him. Matt didn’t mind. He slept better when she was there as well.

On Annie’s fourth night at Matt’s she surprised him by making spaghetti bolognase, having remembered it was his favourite food. Afterwards, she put on a CD and he lit some candles and they danced in the living room to the all the romantic songs Matt owned, which admittedly, wasn’t all that many.

They were dancing to ‘Viva Forver’ by the Spice Girls. They were barely moving, just sort of swaying in time to the music. Matt’s hands were pressed against the small of her back. Annie’s head rested on his shoulder and his head on top of hers. Her arms were around his neck.

Annie lifted her head and they kissed. Matt was pretty sure that all this, the dinner, music, candles, meant she was ready to sleep with him (properly, not just as friends). But he didn’t want to make another mistake and risk allienating her, so he decided to ask her.

"Does this mean..?" he asked softly. Annie smiled and nodded.

"If you want it to," she whispered back. Matt kissed her passionately for a long time.

"There’s your answer," he told her.

"I can see your answer somewhere else as well," Annie teased, nodding at the bulge in Matt’s jeans. Matt blushed and covered his embarrasement byt kissing her and scooping her up in his arms.

"Shall we go to the bedroom m’lady," he asked in his most chivlrous-night like way.

"Certainly," Annie replied laughing.

Matt smiled happily and carried her up the stairs to the bedroom. He lay her gently down on the bed and kissed her again. Annie smiled and sat up. They quickly undressed each other, then kissed again with passion and longing.

"Are you okay with this?" he asked, hoping desperately she wouldn’t say no, because he wasn’t sure he could stop if she did.

"Yes," Annie whispered. She lay back down and pulled Matt with her.

* * *

"Do you think Dave will come back?" Annie asked later.

"I doubt it," Matt said. "If he does, we’ll just call the cops right away."

"I think I’ll have to divorce him," she said thoughtfully. "I really don’t want to stay married to someone I don’t really remember, or like. Especially someone like that."

"I don’t blame you," Matt agreed.

"Will you help me?" she asked quietly. "I don’t think I can do this on my own."

"Of course I’ll help you through it. You can move your stuff in here and I’ll try and help you remember more stuff about your parents, your friends, things like that," Matt promised.

"Thanks. I really do appreciate everything you’ve done for me," Annie said.

"You’re my best friend. I’d feel unbeleievably guilty if I wasn’t there for you when you needed me."

"Best friend huh? Shame. After tonigh, I kinda thought you were more than that," she teased him.

"I hope so. I hope we’re best friends, and lovers, and roomies, and everything else. I hope I never have to lose you because I think I’d rather die than have to live without you Annie." She was a stunned by the emotion in his voice. Why was he so worried?

"I’m not planning on ever leaving you," she assured him.

"Good," Matt said contentedly. He couldn’t help thinking that if and when she remembered everything, she might well break her promise. And he knew he would wish he was dead when he was living without her. But Annie knew none of this, and so she relaxed against his chest. Before long, they were both asleep.

Matt’s dreams were filled with images of Annie rejecting him. Of her telling him she didn’t love him. Didn’t care about him at all. Even one where she pysically ripped his heart out of his chest, stood on it, and mushed it around a bit. He wanted to wake up, to escape, but for some reason, he couldn’t seem to wake up, even though he knew he was dreaming.

Annie on the other hand, was once again tormented by what had happened to her causing her to go into a coma.

She was in her bedroom. This time, she was the woman, not an onlooker. She saw the rage in Dave’s eyes as he lashed out at her. As he shook her, she happened to glance over his shoulder. She saw a figure standing in the doorway. It was a man with shock and horror written clearly all over his face. And yet, he stood still, not moving an inch to stop Dave. She realised that the man was Matt.

Annie woke up screaming. Matt had been there! He had watched Dave throw her against the wall! He had watched and not done anything to try and help her! And he claimed to be her best friend (and everything else, as he had said)!

Her screams woke up Matt. He was worried about her. Had she had another nightmare? He tried to put his arms around her and comfort her, but she just screamed again, started to cry and pushed him away.

"Whats the matter?" he asked her. She scrambled off the bed and backed into the wall. "Annie!" he said, trying to come towards her. She grabbed a bath robe and wrapped it around herself. "Annie, honey, calm down. Just tell me whats the matter."

"Get away from me you bastard!" Annie screamed at him. Matt suddenly realised that Annie knew.

"Annie, listen to me please," Matt said, holding his arms out to try and calm her.

"Don’t you fucking touch me!" she shouted.

"Annie, calm down."

"You watched him do it! How could you? Why didn’t you stop him? Why didn’t you try and help me?"she shouted accusingly.

"Annie, I’m I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry. There was nothing I could do. You know better than anyone what he’s like! I’m sorry," Matt shouted, trying to explain himself, but Annie didn’t want to hear it.

"Why are you shouting at me?" Annie asked increadulously.

"Sorry," Matt said in a quieter voice.

"Stop saying sorry!" she snapped. "It doesn’t make it right you know. It doesn’t make everything okay."

"I know Annie, I know. I just don’t know what to tell you," Matt said.

"There’s nothing you can say to make this better. Nothing. You can’t change what’s happened Matt."

"I know. I wish to God I could. But since I can’t, all I want in the world is for you to forgive me for not helping you."

"Why?" Matt was surprised by the question, which was what Annie had intended. "So you can stop feeling guilty? So you can go back to normal? You want me to say I forgive you so that you can feel better. But you know what Matt? I don’t give a shit about making you feel better," Annie shouted. She suddenly stopped and sank to the floor, leaning back against the wall. "I can’t do this Matt. I just can’t," she said, crying.

"I’m sorry you had to go through this. It’s the last thing I ever would have wanted. I care about you Annie, whatever you might think right now, I really do. I love you," Matt said tenderly.

"Please don’t do this to me. This is hard enough without you telling me you lvoe me," Annie said softly. She had stopped being mad at him. Now she just felt let down and miserable.

"Sorry," Matt said. "Annie, what do you want? Do you want me to leave?"

"Its your house," Annie reminded him.

"I don’t care. If you want me to, I’ll go."

"If I were you, I’d try putting some clothes on first," Annie suggested, a weak attempt at a joke.

"So you do want me to leave?" Matt asked regretfully.

"No," Annie admitted with a sigh. "I don’t. God knows why I don’t. but I don’t. I don’t want you to go."

"You don’t?"

"no. I’m not saying I forgive you. Because I’m not sure I can. Not just yet. But I don’t want to stay here alone. And I can’t go back to Dave’s and I don’t know anywhere else I can go," she explained. Matt was disappointed by her resaons, but gratefull she wanted him to stay, whyever that was.

"Look, I’ll go downstairs, you stay up here. Take a nice, long, relaxing bath. I won’t disturb you," Matt said. He pulled on a pair of underpants and his jeans.

"Okay," she whispered.

Matt kissed her cheek. She flinched. He looked hurt, but didn’t say anything. Matt went downstairs. When she was alone, Annie threw herself face down onto the bed and sobbed into the pillow, long, heart wrenching sobs that made Matt (who was still at the top of the stairs and able to hear them) want to either cry, or take her in his arms and tell her it was okay. But he knew it wasn’t okay. He hated himself for causing her this much pain.

Annie wanted to hate him. She really did. But she found she couldn’t. Because she still loved him.

After fifteen or twenty minutes of crying and feeling sorry for herself, Annie decided to do as Matt had suggested and take a bath. She added bubble bath to the runnign water , then stepped out of her clothes (well, Matt’s clothes really) and lay back in the almost scalding hot water.

She wondered if she would ever get her memory back fully. Would she only remember little bits of information, which was mostly, she had to admit, pretty useless. What mattered was that Matt had betrayed her. He had just stood there and watched as Dave beat her up. Was that why he had been so sweet to her since she woke up? She hoped not, but once the thought had entered her mind, she couldn’t make it go away.

Almost an hour later, when the water had gone cold, Annie stepped out and with a towel around her, went into the bedroom, where she put on more of Matt’s clothes. She felt weitd about wearing his things after their fight, but she didn’t have anything else to wear. The clothes she had been wearing the night she arrives were in the wash.

When she was dressed, she lay back on the bed, thinking about what to do.

Half an hour later, she went downstairs. Matt was waiting for her, and he jumped up when he saw her.

"So, do you hate me?" he asked miserably. Annie slowly shook her head.

"No," she said quietly.

"No?" Matt asked. He was surprised as much by her voice as by what she was saying.

"No. Because I remember reading someplace that before you could truly hate someone, you had to have truly loved them first," she explained calmly, but her voice was brimming with sadness.

"So you’ve never loved me?" Matt asked, hurt despite the fact that he still thought she hated him. He had spent the last hour or two preparing himself for the prospect of her telling him she hated him, but now he thought she was saying she had never loved him, he was upset.

"Let me finish. I also remember reading that you can’t hate someone until your love for them has passed. That’s why I can’t hate you Matt, because I still love you," Annie said gently.

"You do? You love me? Even after..?" Matt was amazed. He couldn’t believe his ears.

"Yeah. It took me a while to realise it, but I do," Annie said.

"Oh God! Does this mean, does it mean you forgive me?" Matt dared to ask.

"I don’t know. But Matt, I said I love you. I didn’t say I want to love you. I want to hate you, I really do. I just can’t," Annie said.

"Well, right now, I hate myself enough for both of us," Matt told her.

"Good. You should hate yourself. What you did, or rather, didn’t do, was cowardly and stupid. You feel awful now, think how you would have felt if I’d died. Or does me being alive make things harder for you?" Annie challenged.

Matt wanted to know what the hell she was talking about. He thanked God every day that Annie hadn’t died, and he would have wanted to die himself if she had. "What?"

"Is it just a constant reminder for you? If I was dead, you could just cry for a while, then forget all about me. Is that what you wish had ahppened?" Annie didn’t sound like herself anymore. Her voice was cold, hard and uncaring.

"No. I don’t wish that at all," Matt said firmly. "And I could never, ever forget you. I love you way too much. Come on Annie, this isn’t you. What are you trying to do?"

"I’m trying to give myself a reason to hatr you," she admitted.

"Is it working?" he asked gently.

"No," she replied, sounding both frustrated and on the verge of tears.

"Why not?"

"Because I love you too much."

"Well, maybe you’ll have a reason to hate me after I say this. Or maybe you’ll love me even more," Matt began.

"What is it?" Annie asked suspiciously, all sorts of crazy ideas running through her head.

"Annie, will you marry me?" Amtt asked, not quite looking at her.

"Matt, are you doing this because you really do love me. Or are you doing this because you feel like you owe me something?" Annie asked tiredly, sensing that she was being too smart for her own good.

"Because I love you, of course," Matt said simply.

"Sure. But you also feel guilty. And I made you feel more guilty. But proposing to me won’t help that. I’ll only end in tears," Annie predicted sadly.

"Of happiness, I hope," Matt said hopefully, but deep down inside, he knew she had made up her mind. And the Annie he knew was too damn stubborn to change it again.

"Matt, I’m sorry. You know it’ll never work. Technically, I’m still married to Dave, I’ve only known you, that I can remember, for a really short time," she said, searching for excuses. Matt saw this, and wondered if she was also searching for hersef. Arguing with herself whether she was being stupid to turn him down, or whether she would be stupid to accept. He hoped she was, anyway, he didn’t want to think her decision had been easy.

"We can make it work," Matt said determindly.

"If something is destined to fail, nothing on earth can make it work. And I’m sorry Matt, but our marriage would be destined to fail."

"Not necessarily."

"Matt, for God’s sake! Admit it! Accept it! Move on!"

"Where should I move onto? Huh Annie? Where can I move onto when all I’ll be thinking about is you? Tell me that and I’ll move on wherever you say," Matt shouted.

"Matt, in time, you’ll forget about me, you’ll find someone else," Annie said, finally letting the tears fall down her cheeks. She didn’t really want him to find someone else, but she wanted him to be happy, something he never could be with her, his guilt would cast shadows too long to ever escape from.

"I don’t wanna find someone else Annie. Because no-one else is you."

"You have to Matt. I know its hard while I’m here, but give me a little bit of time, and I’ll find a job and a flat. I’ll leave here and you can move on."

"I don’t want to move on without you," Matt said. He was crying now as well.

"You have to."

"I don’t want you to go."

"I have to."

"Before you do, will you answer me one question. That’s all I want from you if you’re determind to leave me."

"What?"

"Just tell me, where do we go from here?"

"I don’t know Matt. I honestly don’t know," Annie said sadly.

"I thought so," Matt said. "Actually, I have one more think to ask you."

"Go on," Annie said, even though she didn’t think she could stand much more of this.

"Don’t come back. Please. I couldn’t stand the waiting," he said.

"I’m sorry," Annie said. She knew how much she was hurting him, and how much he had hurt her, but she was still reluctant to let it all go. But she knew he was right. It would be easier in the long run if they just cut the ties that bound them in one quick movement, even if it was more painfull at the time. Like pulling a band-aid off a scraped knee.

The End