The One Where Everything Goes Wrong

This is set at about the end of Season 7, when Chandler and Monica are getting married. It’s two days before the wedding. I don’t own these characters.

[SCENE: C&M’s apartment. All the girls are there, dressing up in the dresses they are wearing for the wedding (Phoebe and Rachel are bridesmaids).]

PHOE: this is so much more fun when it’s for real!

RACH: [throwing Monica’s bouquet into the air.] I do!!!!!!!!!!!!

PHOE: Rach, you’re not going to be the one throwing the bouquet, you do know that, right?

RACH: I know, but I plan on catching it, so then I will be throwing it next.

PHOE: Oh I know. But Ross won’t want to get married right away, in case Monica thinks he’s stealing her thunder again.

RACH: I didn’t mean I was going to marry Ross!

PHOE: Oh but you will.

MNCA: Can we please get back to my wedding?

PHOE/RACH: sorry/sorry sweetie.

MNCA: Anyway, you don’t say, "I do" when you throw the bouquet.

PHOE: [picking up the bouquet and throwing it] I don’t!!!!!!!

MNCA: Good job I got a fake bouquet for you guys to play with.

PHOE: You’re not really using this?

MNCA: [sarcastic] yes Phoebe, that is why I am letting you two play at being bride with it.

PHOE: [not getting the sarcasm] oh good! Because I only blessed this one.

RACH: You blessed it?

PHOE: Uh huh! I put a beauty charm on it, so Mon looks her best for her big day, and a fertility charm on it, so they can have lots of babies, and a seductive charm, so they can get down to having the babies straight away. Oh, and a remembering charm so Chandler remembers the right name.

[Rachel grabs the bouquet and hits Phoebe with it]

PHOE: What? I didn’t think he would say "Rachel"!!!

OPENING CREDITS

[SCENE: a little later. The girls are still wearing their wedding stuff, but are now watching TV. The guys come in. All the girls shriek!]

ROSS: My ears!

MNCA: Chandler get out!

CHAN: Yes honey, I love you too.

MNCA: You’re not supposed to see the dress!

CHAN: What? [Noticing] Oh, is that what you’re wearing for the wedding?

MNCA: [sarcastic] no Chandler, I just bought it to wear around the house.

CHAN: Oh okay.

PHOE: Its okay, don’t panic, I’ll put a forgetting charm on them!

JOEY: [nervously] Will it hurt?

PHOE: Only for the first 100 years.

JOEY: I didn’t see nothing! I swear! And anyway, I’m not gonna marry any of you anyway, so it doesn’t matter!

MNCA: just leave now! All of you! [Phoebe gets up to go] not you Phoebs! [To Chandler] Love you honey. I’ll call you when we’ve got changed again.

CHAN: I get to see the dress at the wedding right?

MNCA: Of course. And… [Whispers in his ear]

CHAN: Yeah baby! I’m going now.

[SCENE: Later. The girls are all now wearing their normal clothes. There is a knock on the door.]

ROSS: [whiney] can we come in yet?

JOEY: I’m hungry.

[Rachel opens the door.]

JOEY: Thank god! [Dives for the fridge.]

CHAN: [goes over to Monica and kisses her.] Hey sweetie.

MNCA: Hi. Rings?

CHAN: On top of Joey’s dresser.

MNCA: Well done.

PHOE: Are you afraid he’s gonna lose the rings or something?

MNCA: No, just that he will [mocking] accidentally put them down somewhere he accidentally forgot to remember.

CHAN: Thank you.

MNCA: Aww, sweetie, you know I love you. But you do lose things a lot.

[phone rings. Ross answers it]

ROSS: Hello? Monica and Chandler’s apartment.

[Flash between C&M’s apartment and Susan and Carol’s apartment.]

SUSAN: hi Ross!

[I’m not gonna keep writing where we are, just assume that when Ross is talking, we see Ross, when Susan is talking we see Susan. Okay?]

ROSS: [through clenched teeth] hello Susan

SUSAN: Is Monica there? I just wanted to tell her that we can come to the wedding after all.

ROSS: Oh, well you know, the wedding got cancelled at the last minute.

[Monica tries to grab the phone, but Ross won’t let her.]

SUSAN: Why?

ROSS: Uh, Chandler killed Monica.

[Chandler helps Monica get the phone.]

MNCA: No he didn’t!

CHAN: [take the phone so Monica can beat up Ross.] No, Ross just doesn’t want you guys to come.

ROSS: [from the floor, sarcastic] yeah, can’t imagine why I wouldn’t want my ex-wife and her lesbian lover to come to my sister’s wedding.

MNCA: Rachel’s gonna be there.

JOEY: With her lesbian lover?

RACH: Joey!

ROSS: That’s different!

MNCA: How!

ROSS: I don’t know, but it is!

MNCA: Well then you probably won’t like that I invited Emily as well.

ROSS: WHAT?!?!!?!

MNCA: She called! She’s in the city! How could I not invite her?

ROSS: how did she know about the wedding?

[Chandler looks guilty. No one answers.]

CHAN: Bye bye Susan. Love to Carol. [To Monica] I’m gonna go to bed.

PHOE: Its only five o’clock!

CHAN: [pretending to weigh them up (like cruel vs. horny and alone)] Laying peacefully in bed, or Ross beating the crap outta me. Hm, hard choice.

[SCENE: nighttime. C&M’s room. They are asleep. The door opens and creaks slightly.]

JOEY: Chandler?

[Chandler sits up and rubs his eyes]

CHAN; Huh?

JOEY: Chandler?

CHAN: [realising] Are you aware that its {checks clock] three twenty am?

JOEY: Is it? I thought it was only one, I guess my watch must have stopped. Anyway, you took the rings, right?

CHAN: no. Why would I do that?

JOEY: well, I wouldn’t do that.

CHAN: [warningly] Joey…

JOEY: Who, me?

CHAN: Where are the rings?

JOEY: what rings?

CHAN: mine and Monica’s wedding rings that you are supposed to be looking after.

[Monica starts to wake up. Chandler notices and hurriedly gets out of bed. He and Joey go into the living room so they don’t wake Monica up.]

JOEY: I don’t know what happened to them man! They just vanished.

CHAN: Well think Joey!

[Monica stumbles out of the bedroom, not properly awake]

MNCA: What’s going on? What time is it?

CHAN: Nothing honey, Joey, uh, wet the bed so he’s going to sleep in the spare room tonight, okay?

MNCA: sure whatever.

CHAN: So you can go back to bed, and I’ll be joining you in just a minute.

MNCA: Okay. [Goes back into the bedroom.]

JOEY: dude!

CHAN: what?

JOEY: You told her I wet the bed!

CHAN: I’m sorry, it was short notice and you lost my wedding rings!

JOEY: I didn’t lose them, okay?

CHAN: So where are they?

JOEY: I dunno, I wouldn’t be here if I knew where they were!

[SCENE: A couple of hours later. C&M are asleep again. Joey comes into their bedroom.]

JOEY: Guys! I think I know where the rings are!

[Monica and Chandler both wake up.]

MNCA: Joey lost the rings?

CHAN: Aww crap!

JOEY: no, I know where they are!

CHAN: Please, share with us!

JOEY: I think, I think that the duck ate them.

CHAN: God, that duck has a taste for shiny round things that go on people’s fingers when they get married.

JOEY: Huh?

CHAN: Never mind.

MNCA: How do you know the duck ate them?

JOEY: Coz they made him sick, and your wedding rings are now in a puddle of duck puke on my floor.

CHAN/MNCA: Ewwwww!

[SCENE: The next day. Joey has been forced to rescue the rings and pay someone to clean them. C&M’s apartment. Chandler, Monica and Ross are there.]

ROSS: I can’t believe you guys are getting married!

MNCA: I can’t believe that’s the sixty-seventh time you said that today.

ROSS: Fifty-eighth time actually.

[There is a knock on the door. They are all surprised that someone is knocking, but Monica answers it. It is Jack Geller.]

JACK: Hi, sweetie [kisses her cheek] hi Ross.

CHAN: Are you gonna kiss Ross too?

ROSS: Shut up Chandler! Just because you and your dad aren’t close.

CHAN: If you had my dad, you would have a reason you’re so screwed up.

ROSS: Is that supposed to be an insult?

MNCA: Yeah, he’s saying you’re both screwed up, but at least he has a reason: his dad was horrible.

JACK: Careful what you say about your in-laws honey, they have a way of finding everything out. [Looks meaningfully at Ross.]

ROSS: Hey! I was five years old! How was I supposed to know Nana wouldn’t like you calling her a fat old witch?!

JACK: I really don’t wanna have this conversation right now.

MNCA: What’s up Dad?

JACK: Well, I’ve decided that I don’t want to give my little Harmonica away to that! [Gestures towards Chandler. They are all shocked.]

MNCA: I thought you liked Chandler?

JACK: Where did you get that idea? The guy gave me a lap dance for god’s sake! I don’t wanna think about what else his father taught him!

CHAN: nononononono!!!!!!!!

MNCA: Dad!

JACK: I’m sorry honey, but I really don’t like the idea of you marrying someone with such a high chance of turning gay!

MNCA: Dad, I’m not Ross!

CHAN: And I’m not Carol!

JACK: [ignoring Chandler] I know honey, but I just don’t think this is a good idea, I mean, you two are really rushing into this…

MNCA: [interrupting] Excuse me? We’re rushing into it? Me and Chandler who’ve been engaged for a year, who dated for two years before we got engaged, who were friends for, like seven years before that, who have known each other for fourteen years? We’re rushing into marriage? Oh but, Ross and Emily, who only knew each other for six week, oh no, they weren’t rushing into it at all.

CHAN: Which could explain why Ross forgot her name.

JACK: So learn from your brother’s mistakes.

MNCA: wow! I can’t believe you actually admitted that Ross makes mistakes.

JACK: well, just the one.

MNCA: Dad, Chandler and I are in love. We’re gonna get married.

JACK: You can’t gat married if I refuse to give you away!

MNCA: What?

JACK: Monica, I don’t want to give you away to a loser like Chandler.

MNCA: you mean that isn’t preferable to giving me away to your best friend?

JACK: you dated Kevin Davis?

ROSS: Dad, I think she meant Richard.

JACK: Oh yeah, I forgot all about that.

CHAN: Mr Geller, Jack, come on, you know me!

JACK: Yeah, a little too well now.

CHAN: Can we just forget about that? Please? Look, look at your daughter [Monica is on the verge of tears] she’s crying because you won’t give her away.

MNCA: No I’m not.

CHAN: could you please help me out here?

MNCA: sorry. [Starts crying, very over the top. Chandler gestures at her to tone it down. She does so.]

CHAN: she’s crying because even though we’re gonna get married, no matter what you say…

ROSS: [interrupting] she didn’t say that.

CHAN: No I did. [Continuing] Anyway, even though we’ll be at that church tomorrow, whether you’re there or not. I know it means a lot to Monica that you’re there to give her away. You’re her father. She wants you to be happy for her. For us.

MNCA: [quietly] I want you to stop telling me what I want.

JACK: Okay, okay, son, you convinced me. You guys have my blessing. Judy and I will be delighted to be there.

MNCA: [under her breath] dammit

JACK: [to Monica] And there will never have been a happier man giving his daughter to a better guy.

ROSS: You know Dad, that’s not really very good grammar.

JACK/MNCA/CHAN: Shut up!

ROSS: [sulking] fine.

MNCA: Thanks Dad.

JACK: And Chandler, that speech you just gave was almost as good as the one I gave to Judy’s parents when they thought I was a no good son of a bitch.

MNCA: Dad, they still think you’re a no good son of a bitch.

JACK: I know, but at least they’re quiet about it now.

[Jack and Monica hug. Chandler throws himself into the hug too. Ross sits on the couch and sulks.]

[SCENE: That evening. The hallway. The gang are forcing Chandler and Monica to spend the last night before their wedding apart, so Chandler is going to stay at Joey and Rachel’s apartment. Rachel and Phoebe are coming over to stay with Monica to make sure she doesn’t go and see Chandler. Ross is still at his apartment, sulking.]

CHAN: Bye honey, I love you, I can’t wait for tomorrow.

MCNA: Love you too! I’ll miss you.

RACH/PHOE: Awww!

JOEY: Guys! You’re only gonna be apart for one night.

RACH: And it is tradition.

PHOE: Aww, but look how cute they are.

[Chandler and Monica are hugging and kissing softly before they say goodbye one last time.]

JOEY: Aww!

[The kiss gets more intense, and the others slowly turn away.]

PHOE: hey, love birds! Your apartment is right there! Use it!

RACH: yeah, we do NOT wanna see you guys eat each other!

[Chandler and Monica go back into their apartment.]

[SCENE: A few hours later. Phoebe, Rachel and Joey are still in the hallway. Monica and Chandler are still in their apartment.]

JOEY: I don’t think they’re coming out tonight.

PHOE: Its okay, I was prepared for this! I put a curse on Chandler so he couldn’t ‘perform’.

RACH: Well, it seems to me he managed to break it.

PHOE: Damn it! Remind me never to use curses off the back of cereal boxes again!

[SCENE: The next morning. C&M’s room. (Don’t worry; they’re under the covers)]

MNCA: Okay, so that was totally against tradition, but Oh My God!!

CHAN: why hello Janice.

MNCA: Sorry, but wow!

CHAN; I know.

[SCENE: A few minutes later. C&M come out of the apartment wearing bathrobes. Joey, Phoebe and Rachel are still stood there, looking stern.]

PHOE: That was very, very bad!

RACH: Where the hell do you get off doing something like that?

JOEY: Evil Chandler Evil Chandler Evil Chandler!

[C&M look at each other, and then rush back into their apartment.]

[SCENE: Okay, we’re finally at the wedding. Just picture the most perfect setting you can imagine. Only its empty. The car with Chandler and Joey in pulls up. They get out.]

JOEY: Where the hell is everyone?

CHAN: [sarcastic] Right there Joey, can’t you see them? They’re all around you, only there invisible!

JOEY: Cool! You see invisible things?

CHAN: No you moron! I don’t know where they are!

[Monica’s car pulls up. She gets out.]

MNCA: Where are all the people.

CHAN: oh my god! No ones here?

JOEY: Are you sure the wedding is today?

MNCA: yes! I’ve been planning today for a year! Of course I know today’s the right day!

CHAN: calm down honey, its gonna be okay.

MNCA: how?

CHAN: [desperate] Joey?

MNCA: Oh god, you’re asking Joey for help, that is not a good sign.

JOEY: I’m gonna run home and see where everyone else is. [Starts running, then remembers the cars they came in.] Or I can drive home. [He gets in a car and it drives off. For some reason the other car follows.

CHAN: Oh God! What the hell are we going to do?

MNCA: I don’t know. This sucks!

CHAN: Well, at least I get to have you alone for a minute.

MNCA: Now is not the time!

CHAN: Not that! I meant so I can tell you how beautiful you look. And how lucky I feel.

MNCA: Having no guests turn up at our wedding makes you feel lucky?

CHAN: never mind.

[The vicar emerges from the church. He seems vaguely surprised guest, or rather the lack of.]

VCAR: Are you ready to start the ceremony?

MCNA: No! None of our friends are here!

CHAN: Can you wait like a day or two for us to track them all down?

VCAR: no, I have a dentist appointment at twelve.

MNCA: Its half twelve now.

VCAR: Must be tomorrow then. But I can’t hang around forever waiting for you imaginary friends to turn up. You want to get married, you get married now.

[C&M look at each other. Then nod.]

CHAN: We wanna get married.

MNCA: I just wish everyone else was here.

CHAN: It doesn’t matter honey, the important thing is that we’re both here, and as of a few minutes time, we’re not going to be Chandler Bing and Monica Geller, we’re going to be Chandler and Monica Bing.

VCAR: [to Monica] I pity you.

MNCA: Don’t we need witnesses?

VCAR: Yes. Hang on a minute.

[He disappears. (Not literally, just you know, walks out of the door)]

CHAN: Are you scared?

MNCA: Oh yeah.

CHAN: Wanna run?

MNCA: Nah, it kinda ruins the fun if we both run out on our wedding, especially together.

CHAN: And you know this because…

MNCA: Rachel tells me stuff.

CHAN: Okay.

[The vicar comes back (fast huh?) With two elderly, very confused looking people. We’ll call them Edith and Albert.]

VCAR: Hi! Will these do?

CHAN: As what, a demo of what we’ll be like in fifty years?

VCAR: Oh they’re not married, no, as witnesses.

MNCA: Well, we planned on having our friends, but since they’re not here…

EDTH: we’ll be your friends.

CHAN: [whispering to Monica] Does that scare you as much as it scares me?

MNCA: they’re just old people, just keep telling yourself that, and you’ll be okay.

VCAR: okay, here goes nothing.

CHAN: I love that the person who will be conducting this ceremony cares so much.

VCAR: Okay. We are gathered here today to celebrate the joining of these two people, Charles and Mary

CHAN: [interrupting] Chandler and Monica.

VCAR: What?

MNCA: We’re not Charles and Mary, we’re Chandler and Monica.

VCAR: Are you sure?

CHAN: No, no we’re not sure. We don’t know out own names, so I’m sure you’re right. Maybe we are Charles and Mary.

VCAR: Oh, okay. Do you Charles

CHAN: My name is Chandler!

VCAR: But you just said!

CHAN: You don’t get my witty sarcasm?

VCAR: I guess not.

MNCA: Can we just do this?

VCAR: Sure. Do you Char, [correcting himself] Chandler, take this woman, Mariah?

MNCA: [through gritted teeth] Monica.

VCAR: Monica, to be your lawfully wedded wife?

CHAN: [smiling] I do.

VCAR: Do you Monica, take this man, Chandler to be your lawfully wedded husband?

MNCA: [takes his hand] I do.

VCAR: Chandler, repeat after me: I Chandler,

CHAN: I Chandler

VCAR: Take thee Monica

CHAN: Take thee Monica

VCAR: To have and to hold

CHAN: to have and to hold

VCAR: for richer for poorer

CHAN: for richer for poorer

VCAR: in sickness and in health

CHAN: in sickness and in health

VCAR: Until death parts us.

CHAN: [hugs Monica] Until death parts us.

[Okay, now just imagine Monica saying all that stuff, because I can’t be bothered writing it, and I’m sure you can’t be bothered reading it.]

[SCENE: A couple of minutes later. They have finished saying their vows.]

VCAR: You may now kiss the bride.

[Chandler and Monica kiss passionately.]

[SCENE: Same time. Another church. A couple we don’t know are getting married. The gang are all watching. Rachel is crying.]

JOEY: You know, that guy has blonde hair. Hey, maybe it’s Hoyt after all!

ROSS: What?

PHOE: Hoyt. You don’t know Hoyt?

ROSS: No.

RACH: Well that woman is even fatter than Monica used to be.

[A couple of the real guests turn round and give her a dirty look.]

ROSS: Maybe we should be thinking about leaving round about now?

JACK: Yeah, that guy gave me a really funny look when I tried to walk Monica down the aisle.

JUDY: Okay, Jack honey, that’s not Monica.

JACK: [genuinely shocked] It isn’t?

[SCENE: Church. The one where Chandler and Monica are. Somehow the others got there.]

JACK: I can’t believe we missed it.

ROSS: You guys should get married again.

MNCA: What?

CHAN: Honey, maybe we should, you know, so we can have some witnesses who might just be around so we can say to our kids, "And these are the dumb ass people who made us get married twice so they could watch"

MNCA: [giggles] Okay! Just give me a minute to go get ready, okay?

CHAN: One minute, that’s all. Sixty seconds, fifty-nine.

[Monica kisses him quickly.]

CHAN: Okay, for that, you can have another ten seconds.

MNCA: Thank you.

[SCENE: Two minutes later. Amazingly, all the guests are now seated. The vicar is looking very confused, as are Edith and Albert. Chandler and Joey are standing at the front of the church. Some weird music is heard. Phoebe and Ross are playing their own, "unique" version of the wedding march. We see Jack and Monica slowly starting to walk up the aisle. We go to a view from the back of the church and see that Monica has her dress tucked into her knickers (aka panties); Rachel style. We see the amused looks on the faces of some of the guests. About halfway down the aisle, Monica trips. As she falls, her Dad notices that her dress is tucked in and helps her sort it out. When they finally get to the front, Joey is looking very bored, and Chandler looks ready to kill someone. (Perhaps the person who invented wedding dresses.)]

VCAR: Now, who giveth this woman to be married?

JACK: That’s me, right?

JUDY: Oh Jack, you couldn’t even do this right.

JACK: uh, I do.

VCAR: Does anyone here know of any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony? Speak now, or forever hold your peace.

VOICE FROM BACK OF CHURCH (VFBC): I do!

VCAR: [muttering] Oh no, I can see this wedding is going to be my most complicated yet.

VFBC: I object because the groom is already married.

MNCA: [tearfully] Chandler?

CHAN: [just as confused as Monica] What?

VFBC: He married me three years ago, then left me to look after out son Thomas on my own, presumably so he could marry HER!

[Most of the guests have turned round to look. Monica is still facing forward, in shock, Chandler is trying to comfort her.]

VFBC: But we never got divorced. This marriage is illegal!!!

[Chandler and Monica turn around. He is genuinely confused.]

CHAN: Do I know you?

VFBC: [suddenly apologetic] Sorry, wrong wedding.

[She leaves]

CHAN: Seems more than our guests get confused about the location of weddings.

MNCA: Shut up and kiss me.

[He does so.]

VCAR: Ahem. Did I say kiss the bride already?

[They reluctantly pull apart.]

MNCA: Technically, yes.

VCAR: This time?

CHAN: no.

VCAR: Okay, lets do this.

[You can just imagine the rest of the ceremony from here, okay? You know how it goes. Halfway through someone starts choking. Everyone turns to look at them, and you can’t hear the vicar anymore. It’s Phoebe who’s choking by the way. ]

PHOE: [stopping choking] That’ll teach me to chew gum at weddings.

[Before the vicar can continue the ceremony, Judy gets up and starts fussing with Monica’s hair.]

JUDY: Chandler, why’d you have to make her cry? Her eyes will be all puffy for the photos!

[Monica and Chandler both give Judy a look, and boy if looks could kill…]

[SCENE: the reception. Everyone is having a good time, most people are drunk. However, Chandler and Monica are not drunk yet. We see them sitting together at a table.]

MNCA: I’ve been looking forward to today all my life, but right now, I can’t wait for it to be over.

CHAN: Aww, honey, I’m sorry. I’m sorry everything turned out so bad, but it’s the reception now. This bit really is just a party. And after this we’re going home, together, as a married couple, then tomorrow morning, we’re off on our honeymoon. I can’t wait.

MNCA: That’s so sweet.

CHAN: I know.

[Suddenly, a team of men, of various ages, burst into the room where the reception is being held. They are all wearing weird costumes and have feather boas and stuff.]

CHAN: Oh my God!

MNCA: what the hell is that?

CHAN: Dad?

CHAN’S DAD: Hi son!

CHAN: oh no, oh no, oh no. Dad, please don’t do this.

CDAD: Why not? Come on boys? [Pats one of the guys butt.]

[The men start to attempt the can can]

MNCA: That’s your Dad?

CHAN: Yeah. Now do you understand why I never wanted you to meet him?

MNCA: I’m beginning to.

CHAN: Oh my god! These guys are form his dance troupe, from Viva Las Gaygas.

MNCA: Oh my God!

CHAN: That was supposed to be my line.

MNCA: Come on; let’s get outta here.

[They try and escape, but Ross and Rachel are blocking their way. R&R are kissing.]

MNCA: What the hell are you two doing?

ROSS: [very drunk. They both are. Very very very drunk.] Is that not obvious?

CHAN: Maybe what Monica meant was "Why?"

RACH: Oh, you know, engaged people normally kiss each other once in a while.

MNCA: What? You guys are engaged?! Fine, I’m pregnant!

CHAN: You are?

MNCA: [takes Chandler aside] No, but they don’t know that.

CHAN: good, because I’m sure we used protection every time.

MNCA: Except that one time…

CHAN: I thought we agreed not to mention that!

MNCA: Sorry.

RACH: Hurry up! I wanna finish arguing with you guys so I can go have sex with Ross. Only, actually, I don’t need to, coz I’m pregnant too!

ROSS: Oh god!

CHAN: We’re having twins.

RACH: Triplets, like Phoebe. Hey, we can name the girl one Chandler.

MNCA: Chandler, sweetie, did I forget to mention that the doctor changed his mind, we’re not having twins, we’re having quads.

ROSS: I already have a kid.

CHAN: So do I!

RACH: We’re moving to a big house upstate.

MNCA: Maybe, but our house upstate has a back yard.

ROSS: ours has a swimming pool.

CHAN: Jacuzzi!

RACH: Department store next door!

MNCA: We have 1 mile of grounds in every direction.

ROSS: We have 5 miles, and a gardener!

MNCA: Dad bought me a house!

[Jack Geller walks past and hears this last comment]

JACK: I did? Judy, have you been promising the kids things from me again?

[Jack wanders off again to find Judy. Ross, Chandler, Monica and Rachel are all screaming at each other by now.]

ROSS: Mom bought me two!

MNCA: mama’s boy!

CHAN: Wet pants Geller!

RACH: Gay Chandler!

MNCA: Homecoming brat!

RACH: Bitch!

CHAN: Slut!

ROSS: Doesn’t have a job that means anything!

CHAN: Museum geek!

RACH: Chandler is a girl, Chandler is a girl!

MNCA: [mocking] I am Bea, I drink tea

ROSS: Fat! [Monica gasps in shock that he would use that insult]

RACH: Yeah Monica, how will you handle being pregnant with four babies? You’ll get really really really fat, even fatter than you used to be, then after they’re born you’ll stay fat! And Chandler will leave you, and you’ll be really depressed, so you’ll get even fatter. [Monica is crying now.]

CHAN: Shut up Rach! [Puts an arm around Monica] I can’t believe you’d think I would leave her, no matter how fat she got. And why would I care that she’s fat if she’d got my babies inside her? Come on Mon, lets get out of here.

[Chandler and Monica leave]

ROSS: man, we were only kidding.

RACH: You think maybe we took it a little too far?

ROSS: Nah, I was much worse when we were kids.

[SCENE: Later at the reception, things have got a bit boring since the bride and groom aren’t there, so nearly everyone is completely drunk. We see a brief shot of Edith and Albert with party hats and streamers and those things that roll out when you blow into them. We see Ross talking to Nora Bing.]

ROSS: [mid-conversation] yeah, Chandler’s great. I love Chandler. Chandler rocks!

NORA: I remember when I used to change his diapers everyday.

ROSS: Aww.

[Short pause]

ROSS: Nora, I know I said I love Chandler, but I don’t. I mean, he’s cool and all, but you’re so much better. I love you Mrs Chandler’s Mom. Will you please marry me?

NORA: Yes! Oh Ross!

ROSS: Oh Mrs Bing!

[They kiss.]

[SCENE: Even later. Ross is (if that’s possible) even more drunk. He’s talking to Chandler’s Dad (CDAD)]

CDAD: Ross, are you sure you’re not gay?

ROSS: no.

CDAD: Coz you’d be great at Viva Las Gayags. Everyone would love you. Including me.

ROSS: You love me?

CDAD: Yes! I always have! Ever since Chandler told me about you!

ROSS: I thought Chandler didn’t talk to you?

CDAD: Okay, so Nora told me, I just didn’t want to ruin the moment!

ROSS: You, you think we have a moment?

CDAD: Oh yes, don’t you?

ROSS: Uh huh! [Short pause] Mr Bing, will you marry me?

CDAD: I thought you’d never ask!

[SCENE: C&M’s apartment. They are actually in the hall outside. The door opens. Monica starts to walk in.]

CHAN: ah ah ah!

MNCA: What?

[Chandler doesn’t answer, he just picks her up.]

MCNA: Oh!

[Chandler grins as he carries her over the threshold. He stops grinning when she slips out of his arms and falls to the floor.]

MNCA: Chandler!

CHAN: I’m sorry, I’m sorry.

MNCA: I’m not that heavy!

CHAN: I know! I’m sorry.

MNCA: I’m not really pregnant with quadruplets you know!

CHAN: I know. Mon, I said I was sorry. Are you okay?

MNCA: Yeah. [stands up]

CHAN: You wanna try that again?

MNCA: No.

CHAN: Okay then.

CLOSING CREDITS

[SCENE: C&M’s bedroom, later that night. They are lying in bed.]

CHAN: [singing, badly.] I hate the world today, You're so good to me, I know but I can't change, Tried to tell you, But you look at me like maybe, I'm an angel underneath, Innocent and sweet, Yesterday I cried, Must have been relieved to see, The softer side, I can understand how you'd be so confused, I don't envy you, I'm a little bit of everything, All rolled into one.

MNCA: Chandler, honey, what are you doing?

CHAN: I can’t help it; I just have it in my head.

MNCA: What is it?

CHAN: I don’t know! [Singing again.] I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child

MNCA: [realising what he’s singing and joining in] I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint.

CHAN [singing] I do not feel ashamed, I'm your hell, I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between, You know you wouldn't want it any other way, So take me as I am, This may mean, You'll have to be a stronger man, Rest assured that, When I start to make you nervous, And I'm going to extremes, Tomorrow I will change, And today won't mean a thing,

CHAN/MNCA: [singing] I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint

CHAN: hey, how come you only join in on the chorus?

MNCA: I only know the chorus.

CHAN: [still singing] Just when you think, you got me figured out, The season's already changing, I think it's cool, you do what you do, And don't try to save me

CHAN/MNCA: [singing] I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint, I'm a bitch, I'm a tease, I'm a goddess on my knees, When you hurt, when you suffer, I'm your angel undercover, I've been numb, I'm revived
Can't say I'm not alive, You know I wouldn't want it any other way!

CHAN: we’re sad.

MNCA: [as only Monica can say it] I know!

THE END

For those who didn’t know, the bit where the woman objects, but is at the wedding, is from The Vicar Of Dibley. The song they are singing at the end is "Bitch" by Meredith Brooks. Thanks to SarahW for helping me come up with ideas for this fic, and for finding the lyrics to "Bitch", when I had no idea what she was talking about. By the way, check out the fanfics by the authors mentioned, they’re all really good.