Truth Unknown (part 4)

Okay, this part is gonna be NC-17 rated, but I didnt' want to rate the whole series that, so I'm adding this warning. If you don't want to read NC-17 stuff, they'll be a summary of what happened at the beginning of Part 5.

Chandler had felt apprehensive about doing this while they were downstairs talking about it. Now that they were upstairs he felt terrified. He didnt' want to hurt Monica, but he didn't want her to think he didn't wanted her anymore or something. They were sat on the end of their bed, kissing. Chandler had his arm around Monica and could feel her tensing up. He didn't know what she was trying to do, but she had seemed so sure downstairs.

"Mon?" he asked, pulling away from the kiss. "Are you okay?" She nodded. He raised his eyebrows to show he didn't really believe her. Monica responded by kissing him harder, to prove that she wasn't afraid. Chandler tried to forget that she had been raped such a short time ago, and tried to concentrate on making love to her with as much love and tenderness as possible. He didn't want to be thinking about some stranger forcing her to have sex with him, he knew if he did there was no way he would be able to go through with this, and morning clearly wanted it, so he tried to block it from his mind.

Monica knew Chandler would be waiting for her to take things further, since he woudln't want to rush her, so she slowly started to unfasten Chandler's shirt. He kissed her neck as she pulled the shirt of his shoulders and for a few moments, simply held him tightly. He looked at her closely when he realised she was just hugging him and nothing more, wondering if she had pushed herself to far too soon. She wasn't crying, as he suspected, but Monica did appreciate the corncerned look he gave her. He put his arms around her, stopped kissing her neck and returned the hug.

"Monica, are you sure this is really what you want?" Chandler asked softly. She nodded furiously against his chest.

"Yes," she whispered, then pulled back from the hug and kissed him again. Chandler returned the kiss and gently started to slid his hands up Monica's T-shirt. Her skin felt like his fingers were made of electricity, not the kind they usually shared, a new, dangerous kind that made her skin jump away from Chandler's gentle touch rather than crave more of it. Chandler felt her flinch, but since she didn't stop kissing him, he decided to keep his hands where they were. After a few seconds, he slid them further up, and this time, although she flinched, it was much less than the first time, and he stroked her stomach gently to try and reassure her. Monica took her arms from around Chandler's neck only long enough to help him slip her t-shirt over her head. As Chandler's hands went to unhook her bra, Monica sighed softly. Chandler looked at her enquiringly, pausing in what he was doing. She smiled at him, hoping to make him less afraid to touch her. She hated flinching everytime she felt his hands on her body, and she knew he must be a little hurt about it, even if they both knew she couldnt' help it.

As he unhooked her bra and tossed it too one side, Chandler reached for Monica's breasts. He ran his fingertips lightly over them, desperately wanting to simply take her nipple in his mouth and suck on it, but he knew she needed gentle touches first. Monica could feel practically every ridge of his fingerprints, but she forced herself to keep still. Slowly, Chandler lowered his head and kissed her breasts. She flinched slightly when she first felt his lips, but he ignored it and kept on kissing her breasts. She smiled as he circled each nipple with his tongue, one at a time, tracing the other with his fingers at the same time.

Although they were both comfortable being topless, Chandler wasn't sure how Monica would want to play the next stage. Should he wait until she started trying to take of his pants, or should he make the first move? He hadn't felt this nervous about sex since he dated Kathy. With Monica, they had both been drunk the first time, which had eliminated any nerves, and after that, they had been too busy falling in love to worry about stuff like who made the first move when they were in bed. But now he wanted to make her feel safe and loved, but he didn't know if she was ready to gather enough courage to take of Chandler's pants.

He leaned her back slowly, and she let him, until she was lying on her back. Chandler covered her stomach with soft kisses, being careful of her bruises. She shivered as his kisses went lower and he started to unzip her jeans. Monica had to clench her hands into fists to keep herself from stopping Chandler. She wanted this. She did. She was just nervous. Chandler looked up at her worriedly. He knew this was hard for her, and it would be much worse if she was tense. He felt guilt that he was making her so frightened, but she had assured him several times that she wanted this, and he thought she would get mad at him if he stopped.

As Chandler pulled her jeans down, Monica felt very vulnerable, even though he left her panties on. He stroked her thighs, were he was sad to find more bruises. He kissed them, trying to make them better.

"Poor Monica, poor baby," he mumbled. She smiled at his sweetness and pulled him up for a kiss. When the kiss ended, he rolled over onto his back, to give Monica some control. At first she was nervous, just stroking his chest lightly, but she gained confidence and moved down towards the waistband of his jeans. She unfastened them, her hands trembling. Chandler caught her shaking hands and helped her out. He stood up and removed his boxers as well, so he was standing naked in front of her.

For a few moments, Monica stared at him. She had to remind herself that this was Chandler, not some stranger who didn't care one bit about her. It was Chandler, who she loved, and who loved her. He would never hurt her. She knew if he even thought for a second that she was in pain, he would stop instantly. Chandler looked so sweet, and so concerned about her. She sat up and pulled him towards her for a kiss. After a while, she lay back down with Chandler on top of her. He made a line of kisses down her neck, between her breasts, over her stomach until he reached her panties. Chandler looked up at Monica, making sure she still wanted him to go ahead. She smiled to tell him she did, but he thought her smile wasn't very convincing.

As Chandler slowly pulled down her panties, Monica found herself trembling in fright. She had thought this would be okay. She had thought the knowledge that Chandler would love and protect her would be enough to help her get over the rape, but it wasn't. The simplest thing she needed was time, but she was impatient and didn't want to wait, because she was afraid the longer she waited to do this, the more afraid she would be.

Chandler couldn't help but notice how afraid she was. He kissed her reassuringly and stroked her face. He moved back down her body, spending extra time on each of her breasts. He was aroused, but he knew she needed lots of attention tonight, since she was so tense and nervous, so Chandler tried to ignore his own need. He had no way of knowing that his erection pressing against Monica's leg scared her more than she ever could have imagined. It reminded her that Chandler was a man too, and all too human. She was scared he woudl get impatient with her and just do what he had to do and get it over with. Deep down she knew he wouldnt' do that, but that didnt' stop her being afraid he might.

Trying to get her to relax, Chandler stroked her pussy. She moaned softly, despite herself and he knew it was working. He found her clitorus and teased it gently, she moaned again. Smiling to himself, Chandler inserted a finger into her and watched her face for her reaction. She was smiling now. He was glad he could still please her this way.

Monica was relieved that she was finally starting to feel some wetness between her legs. She was starting to hope it would all just be over soon, so she could simply lie in his arms and be comforted by him. She knew she had asked him for this, and she didnt' want to stop him. She moaned again, a little louder this time, as Chandler inserted another finger into her. She had always loved it when he fingered her, and even now, with the current circumstances, it still turned her on.

After he had been fingering her for a while, Chandler started to feel his own need and desire strengthening. He still didn't want to force her, but he knew he wouldn't be able to hold back much longer. He looked at her. She had her eyes closed and he thought she was crying. Chandler pulled his fingers out of her and moved so he was lying on his side next to her. She opened her eyes and looked at him, silently asking him why he had stopped.

"Mon, are you crying?" he asked softly. She shook her head. "Monica?" he asked more firmly.

"I'm sorry Chandler," she said quietly.

"Its okay, its okay honey. We can stop," he said.

"Chandler, I don't want to stop," she said. He looked at her closely. If she didn't want to stop, then why was she crying.

"Monica..." he started to say, but she cut him off by kissing him.

"Chandler, please, dont' ask me why right now," she said pleadingly.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" he asked. She sighed.

"Yes."

Still feeling a little (okay, a lot) doubtful, Chandler resumed what he was doing, but monica pulled his hand up to her face. He got the message. She didn't want anymore of his soft touches, she just wanted him to fuck her, maybe so if would be over soon, he didn't know. He put on a condom, because although they rarely used contracpetion these days, he thought it would be better if they did, at least for the moment. Feeling very guilty, Chandler slowly entered her. He felt her tense and held still for a few seconds, trying not to hurt her. She placed her hands on his butt, feeling guilty for not trying to make him enjoy this, and tried to push him further into her. Chandler knew she was just trying to make him feel better, and he loved her so much for it, but at the same time he felt so sorry for her.

As Chandler slowly thrust into her, Monica bit her lip. She knew he was trying not to hurt her, but it still did, because she was so nervous. Monica closed her eyes and hoped it would be over soon. She opened her eyes again when she felt Chandler's lips on hers. After a second or two, they moved to her cheeks and started kissing away tears she hadn't even realised were there.

"Oh Monica," he mumbled in between kisses, still moving slowly inside her. "Please dont't cry." She tried not to, but his sweetness just made her cry even more. Chandler sighed and rolled away from her. Monica looked at him, afraid that she had hurt his feelings. "I can't do this," he said.

"I'm sorry chandler," she whispered.

"Oh honey, don't be sorry," he said, moving back and hugging her. "Its not your fault. I just can't stand to do this to you, knowing how much you're hating every moment."

"Its not you Chandler, honestly," Monica told him.

"I know. Monica, I know this isn't about me. Its not about us. This is about dealing with some serious issues, and I think all it is, is that you were pushing yourself to fast. If I'd had any sense, I wouldn't have gone this far, but I wanted to make you happy," he said.

"I know. Thank you sweetie," monica said, trying to smile through her tears. Chandler had started to cry now too. He just felt so helpless, he hated not being able to help her. Even by doing what she had asked him to do, he had still upset her.

"We're pathetic, aren't we?" he asked, after they had lain hugging each other for a while.

"Uh huh," Monica agreed.

"Good job we have each other," Chandler said. Monica smiled and hugged him a little tighter.

They fell asleep in each other's arms, as they had so many times before, the only difference being they hadn't finished having sex. In the morning, Monica woke first, feeling uncomfortable being so close to Chandler when it was because of her that he hadn't been able to go through with it last night. She tried to wriggle out of his arms without waking him up, but it didn't work.

"Honey?" he asked grogily. She looked at him guiltily. "What are you doing?" he asked.

"Nothing," she said, not looking at him.

"Monica, if you're feeling upset about last night, dont' worry about it," he said.

"Its not that. I just have to get the kids up and ready for school."

"Its Saturday," he pointed out.

"Oh."

"Mon, really, its no big deal. I know its not because there's anything wrong between us. Stop worrying about it."

"Chandler, its just not that easy."

"I know. I know. Please, just don't rush things anymore. Learn from what happened last night. You need time, that's all. And I don't care how long it takes, you don't have to worry about me leaving or stopping loving you or anything. I will always be here for you, and I will give you as much time and space as you need."

"I love you," she said, kissing his cheek. Chandler kissed her back, a soft kiss on the lips, then pulled her back down to the bed. Normally, this would have meant he wanted to have sex with her before they got up, but today, it just meant he wanted to comfort her and feel her nearness.

"I love you too," he whispered. She smiled. Monica was increadibly glad Chandler was so suportive and understanding. Last night couldn't have been easy for him. She was annoyed at herself for letting it show, even though she knew she could never hide anything from Chandler, especially when they were in bed together. It was as if all the layers of defence and pretense were thrown aside with their clothes and all their secrets showed on their faces.

TO BE CONTINUED...

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