Mercury

 

 

This is set in early season 3, just after TOW the Jam (but its not a continuation). I don’t own these characters.

 

After throwing up for the third time that morning, Monica sank back against the cool tiles. Tears filled her eyes as she finally admitted to herself that she was pregnant. This was so unfair. She had wanted to have children for as long as she could remember, and now she was finally pregnant she didn’t want to be. Monica had broken up with Richard just a few weeks ago, ironically, because he didn’t want kids and she did.

 

If she was totally honest with herself, Monica had known she was pregnant for over a week, when her period was late. At first she had put it down to stress from her break up with Richard. Even when she had spent the last four mornings vomiting, she had refused to believe it.

 

When she came out of the bathroom, Monica had the apartment to herself. Rachel was staying over at Ross’s and Monica had locked the door so the others wouldn’t come over for breakfast. She sighed deeply and sank onto the couch.

 

Twenty minutes later, Rachel came over with Ross. She was surprised at having to unlock the door, but by the time she got in, Joey and Chandler had come out of their apartment and joined them. Monica groaned and lay down on the couch. She really didn’t want to have to face her friends at the moment.

 

“Monica, how come there’s no breakfast?” Joey whined. Chandler elbowed him. He had actually been thinking the same thing, but Monica looked pale and tired and not at all up to being hassled over something she usually did purely out of the goodness of her heart.

 

“Oh, I’m sorry Joey. I should have fitting in making you all breakfast around my busy schedule of throwing up,” Monica said sarcastically. She groaned and almost cried with frustration as she felt another wave of nausea wash over her and ran for the bathroom.

 

“What’s up with her?” Joey demanded. Chandler rolled his eyes and went over and knocked on the bathroom door.

 

“Mon, you ok?” he called. Then realised what a stupid question that was. Of course she wasn’t ok, she was being sick. Monica obviously thought so too, and didn’t bother to answer. Chandler tried the door handle and found that Monica had forgotten to lock it. He slowly opened it and went into the bathroom, locking the door behind him and turning to Monica. She was leaning over the toilet, but seemed to have finished throwing up, for the time being, anyway. Chandler knelt next to her and put his arm tentatively around her shoulders.

 

“Oh Chandler,” she said sadly. She stood up, flushed the toilet and rinsed her mouth out.

 

“Feel better?” Chandler asked. He backed up so he was leaning against the bathtub and patted the floor next to him, inviting Monica to sit down.

 

“Yeah, I guess,” she said, sitting down and leaning against Chandler.

 

“So you think it’s a 24 hour stomach bug?” he asked casually. Monica looked at him. She wanted to lie, but she couldn’t, not to Chandler. She shook her head. “Food poisoning?” he suggested. Again Monica shook her head. “What is it Mon?” he asked softly. There was a long pause.

 

“I’m pregnant,” she said finally. Chandler was shocked, but less than he would have expected. He had noticed her looking pale and tired, but had put it down to her break up with Richard, which had hit her hard. And she had started locking the door in the morning so they couldn’t have breakfast over there.

 

“Richard’s?” he asked gently. Monica looked at him angrily, unable to believe that he would think for a moment that it could be anyone else’s. “I had to ask,” he said, hugging her, “I’m sorry.” Monica nodded and rested her head on his shoulder. “What are you going to do?”

 

“I honestly don’t know. I mean, just last week, I was talking to Joey about going to the sperm bank, and I realised I don’t want to do this by myself. I don’t know if I can cope. But on the other hand, I’ve wanted a baby since forever and I don’t know if I could live with myself if I had an abortion. And I can’t imagine going through nine months of pregnancy and labour, and then giving the baby up for adoption,” Monica said, thinking aloud. Chandler rubbed her shoulders soothingly.

 

“You know that whatever you decide, we’ll all be there for you,” he told her.

 

“I don’t want everyone to know yet. Not until I figure out what I’m going to do,” Monica insisted.

 

“Okay, okay,” he promised.

 

Monica suddenly pulled away from Chandler. He was puzzled for a moment, then realised as she leaned over the toilet. He winced as she threw up, wishing she didn’t have to feel so bad. When she was done, Chandler helped her to her feet. She brushed her teeth to get rid of the horrible taste in her mouth, then turned to Chandler.

 

“Ready to face the music?” he asked. Monica looked uncertain, but nodded bravely. Chandler hugged her. “You’ll be ok,” he assured her.

 

“I hope so,” Monica said. Chandler hugged her for a second or two longer; Monica gratefully kissed his cheek and pulled back from his warm arms. When the two of them came out of the bathroom, Joey, Ross and Rachel were looking at them expectantly. Chandler could tell Monica was shaking slightly, and put a comforting arm around her shoulders.

 

“Mon, are you ok?” Ross asked with big brotherly concern.

 

“She just has a stomach bug, that’s all,” Chandler said quickly.

 

“Oh, Mon, I’m sorry, but I really don’t wanna get sick. I think I’m gonna stay at Ross’s until you’re better,” Rachel said. She went into her bedroom, presumably to pack a bag, keeping as far away from Monica as possible.

 

“Dude, you’ve probably got whatever it is now too,” Ross said to Chandler.

 

“Maybe you should stay in Rachel’s room,” Joey suggested. “I have an audition the day after tomorrow, and directors don’t like it when actors throw up on them.” Chandler and Ross exchanged a look and rolled their eyes.

 

“Ok Joe. Mon, you mind?” he said, secretly please at having such a good excuse to stay and look after her without the others getting suspicious. Monica shook her head.

 

“Of course I don’t mind,” she said, and offered Chandler a small smile.

 

Phoebe started to come in just as the other 3 were leaving. She looked surprised, but Rachel quickly filled her in, and Phoebe also resolved to stay away until Monica was better.

 

Once they were gone, and after Joey had come back to grab an armful of food, Monica sank onto the couch. Chandler sat down beside her and decided to let her be the first to speak.

 

“You wanna watch a movie?” she asked with forced brightness after five minutes of silence.

 

“What? Oh sure. Listen, Monica,” he began, but she cut him off.

 

“How long do you think they’ll stay away before the risk getting sick to get something to eat?” she interrupted.

 

“Monica,” Chandler said firmly. She sighed.

 

“Chandler, I know you care about me, and I appreciate it, really I do. But I don’t want to talk about my pregnancy right now. I don’t even want to think about it. I just want to try and enjoy the peace and quiet and hang out with my best friend,” she paused, “Because in few months, I won’t be able to do that anymore.” Her voice was starting to crack, and she was blinking hard to rid her eyes of the tears that were threatening to fall. Chandler hugged her tightly.

 

“Listen, Mom, I know you don’t want to think about it, but maybe you should take a pregnancy test, just to make sure you really are pregnant. I’d hate to think of you getting this upset and then it turning out to be a false alarm,” he said, hoping she’d agree. Monica sniffed and tried to compose herself. Chandler was right. She didn’t even know for sure that she was pregnant.

 

“Yeah, ok,” she said.

 

“You want me to go buy you one?” he offered.

 

“No need,” Monica told him. She got up off the couch and went into the bathroom. Chandler wondered if she was going to vomit again, so he followed her. She didn’t throw up though; instead she opened the drawer next to the sink where they kept the condoms. Behind the condoms and a box of tampons, was a home pregnancy test.

 

“Rachel had a scare a couple of months ago and bought half a dozen,” Monica explained. She opened the box and scanned the instructions. “God, why do they have to make these things so damn complicated?” she asked, annoyed. Chandler shrugged uncomfortably.

 

“I always thought it was just peeing on a stick and then the stick changed colour or something,” he said. Monica rolled her eyes.

 

“Okay, here goes,” she said, taking a deep breath. Chandler started bouncing with nervousness until he noticed her glaring at him. “You already saw me throw up, you really wanna see me pee as well?” she asked.

 

“Sorry,” he apologised quickly and hurried out of the bathroom.

 

A couple of minutes later, Monica came out looking very pale. Chandler rushed over from where he had been perching on the arm of a chair.

 

“Well?” he asked.

 

“I have to wait ten minutes,” she said. Chandler put an arm around her comfortingly.

 

The following ten minutes felt like the longest of Monica’s life. She alternated between biting her nails, tapping her nails against her teeth, wringing her hands, playing with the bottom of her shirt and twitching her leg up and down nervously. Chandler was almost as apprehensive as Monica was, and it wasn’t even his baby.

 

Monica jumped violently when the kitchen timer went off to say that ten minutes was up. She and Chandler both leapt to their feet. The pregnancy test was on the sink in the bathroom, but Monica only made it as far as the bathroom door before she turned back to Chandler.

 

“I can’t do it, I can’t look,” she said desperately. “Please look for me. And do it soon because I think I have to throw up again.”

 

Chandler nodded and went past her into the bathroom. He stared at the test for what felt like hours to both of them. He wasn’t sure if it was good news or bad news.

 

“Chandler hurry up and tell me!” Monica said, looking decidedly queasy.

 

“You’re pregnant,” he said quietly.

 

The shock had barely registered on her face before she pushed past him to the toilet. When she finished, she flushed it and leaned back against the bath again, taking deep breaths. Chandler started to sit down next to her, but she shoo her head.

 

“Chandler, just give me a few minutes by myself, ok?” she said quietly. He nodded and left her alone.

 

As soon as the door was closed behind him, Monica burst into tears. She bit her lip to silence the sobs that were rising in her throat. To be honest, she didn’t know how she was feeling.

 

Chandler was waiting for her in the living room when she emerged, but Monica didn’t feel up to all his questions, or the long silences when she felt like he was waiting for her to say something. Monica ignored him and went straight into her bedroom.

 

Monica worked hard at avoiding Chandler for the next few days, which was hard work when he was staying in the same apartment and seemed to have nothing better to do than try and get her to talk to him. She still had no idea what she was going to do or how to tell everyone else that she was pregnant. Chandler was beginning to get sick of her avoiding him when all he wanted to do was try and help her.

 

Three days after Monica found out she was pregnant, Chandler was watching TV in the living room, and wondering if he should invite Monica to share the pizza he planned to order soon. He jumped to his feet when he heard Monica scream his name.

 

“Monica?” he shouted, running over to her bedroom door and knocking loudly. Monica shouted his name again, so he opened the door. Chandler’s hand flew to his face when he saw her. Monica was sitting on the edge of her bed, he right hand clutching her stomach, her left gripping the bedcovers, tears running down her cheeks.

 

“Monica?” he said again, worriedly, sitting next to her with an arm around her. His first thought was that the reality of the pregnancy had finally sunk in for her.

 

“Chandler, something’s wrong,” she said, sounding scared.

 

“Wrong? With the baby?” Chandler’s brain seemed to be working ridiculously slowly. Monica nodded tearfully.

 

“Um, um, ambulance! Yes, call ambulance. I will. I’ll call and ambulance,” he stammered.

 

“Not, it’ll be quicker to take a taxi,” Monica pointed out. Chandler admired her for keeping so (relatively) calm. He was panicking and he wasn’t the one it was happening to. What WAS happening? Chandler didn’t want to think about it.

 

He wasn’t really thinking or feeling anything as he found them a taxi or during the painfully long ride to the hospital. Even sitting in the waiting room while a doctor examined Monica, he felt like he was floating somewhere above his body, looking down and watching everything passively, unable to feel emotions at all.

 

When the doctor asked him to go through to see Monica, Chandler was shaking with worry. He felt his heart sink like a lead weight when he saw Monica sat up in a hospital bed, sobbing. The doctor looked quite young and was obviously uncomfortable. He looked at Monica sympathetically, but when he spoke, it was to Chandler.

 

“I’m sorry to have to tell you that Miss Geller has suffered a miscarriage,” he said awkwardly. At his words, Monica’s sobs grew louder. Chandler moved so he was standing next to her and put his arms around her almost without thinking. “She’ll have to go to theatre for a D&C, that’s a dilation and curettage,” the doctor continued. Chandler was amazed at his callousness, but put it down to inexperience. “Are you her boyfriend? The father?” the doctor asked Chandler. Before Chandler could answer, Monica nodded.

 

“Yes, he is,” she lied. Chandler tried to look like he had been expecting that.

 

“Oh, well you’ll be able to go up with her. It’s a relatively simple procedure, and although we’ll keep her in overnight, its only a precaution, you’ll be able to take her home tomorrow.” Chandler nodded dumbly. “I’ll leave you two alone,” the doctor added, looking rather relieved as he rushed out.

 

“I’m sorry I said you were my boyfriend chandler, it’s just,” Monica started to explain tearfully.

 

“Mon, don’t worry about it, its ok, really,” Chandler said. She looked up at him, her blue eyes childlike, seeming to ask him to make everything ok. All Chandler could do was hug her tightly. He felt Monica’s tears dampening his shirt and kissed the top of her head.

 

Monica was very quiet during the two hours while they waited for her to go up to theatre. Chandler felt that she would talk to him if she wanted to, and that just letting her cry if she needed to was the best thing he could do for her right then. He hadn’t asked the doctor to go into any detail about the procedure Monica was going to have done to her; he had the feeling he really didn’t want to know.

 

It was about ten o’clock at night when Monica woke up from the anaesthetic. Chandler was sat by her bed and looked at her worriedly. She was surprised he was still there. Chandler kissed her cheek.

 

“You ok?” he asked gently. Monica shrugged.

 

“What are you still doing here?” she asked. The question confused him.

 

“I figured you wouldn’t’ want to be alone right now,” he said. She sighed.

 

“Chandler, go home,” Monica insisted. Chandler gave her a disbelieving look.

 

He finally decided it was best to do as she asked, since Monica clearly didn’t want him there. Leaving her with a tender kiss on the forehead, Chandler went home. He was going back to Monica and Rachel’s when he ran into Joey in the hallway.

 

“How’s Monica?” Joey asked. For a second, Chandler thought Joey had figured out about Monica being pregnant and then losing the baby. Then he remembered that as far as his friends knew, Monica had a stomach bug. Chandler made some vague, non-committal noises. Joey looked like he was about to ask what the hell was going on, when a grinning Ross and Rachel burst out of the guys apartment.

 

“Chandler!” Rachel exclaimed, “How’s Mon?” Those non-committal noises again. Fortunately for Chandler, Rachel was too excited to really notice.

 

“Guess what?” Ross said giddily.

 

“You’ve all been smoking pot in my apartment?” Chandler guessed.

 

“No! Ross and I are going to move in together!” Rachel squealed, throwing herself at Chandler. He hugged her briefly and congratulated both of them.

 

“Is Mon here? I know she’s sick, but I really wanna tell her,” Ross said.

 

“Um, she’s sleeping,” Chandler lied quickly. And she probably was, he told himself. Just not in the apartment.

 

“Oh ok,” Ross said, sounding disappointed. “I’ll stop by tomorrow then.”

 

“No, no, no! I mean, she’s still not feeling too good,” Chandler babbled. “But I’ll tell her when she wakes up. I’m sure she’ll be thrilled for you guys.”

 

His friends wanted Chandler to join them and celebrate, but he excused himself, saying he wanted to be there if Monica woke up and needed him. The truth was he had never felt less like celebrating in his life. Ross thanked him for taking such good care of his baby sister, before going back to Chandler and Joey’s apartment.

 

He went to bed in Rachel’s room fairly early, but couldn’t sleep. He couldn’t stop thinking that he should be there for Monica. He felt guilty for leaving her alone at the hospital, even though she had told him to.

 

After a sleepless night for both of them, Chandler picked Monica up from the hospital and brought her home. She was very quiet and didn’t look at Chandler the whole way home. Chandler didn’t know what to say to comfort her, so he didn’t say anything at all. Monica remained silent as they went up to her apartment. Only when they were inside did she speak, and then it was in a slow, strained, barely audible voice.

 

“Do the others know?” she asked tiredly. Chandler shook his head.

 

“I ran into Joey, Ross and Rachel last night, but I just told them you were sleeping. By the way, I do have some good news,” he said, because he desperately wanted to cheer her up, even just slightly.

 

“Oh?” Monica asked, glancing up at him for the first time.

 

“Yeah, Ross and Rachel are moving in together.”

 

“That’s great,” she said unconvincingly, with a fake smile. Chandler put his arm around her shoulders.

 

“You want me to hang around for a while?” he offered.

 

“No,” she said, more forcefully than anything else she’d said.

 

“Okay, I’ll leave you alone then. Um, what do you want me to tell the guys?” he asked, withdrawing his arm.

 

“I don’t know. I really don’t feel up to seeing everyone. If Rachel wants to come and get her stuff, she can, I’ll just stay in my room,” Monica said. Chandler nodded.

 

“I’ll tell them you’re a bit better but still not a hundred percent,” he decided.

 

“Whatever,” she mumbled.

 

“I’ll let you get some rest,” Chandler said, kissing her check before he left.

 

Monica waited until the door was shut before flopping face down onto the couch. She felt empty. Like a huge chunk of her had been ripped out as well as the baby. Tears filled her eyes and she did nothing to drive them away. Why bother? She simply sobbed into the cushion, clutching it, almost hugging it. She half wished she hadn’t asked Chandler to leave, she badly wanted to be held, and rocked, and soothed as if she were a child again.

 

During the next week, the gang saw very little of Monica. Rachel had come over to fetch her stuff, and the others had all helped, but Monica had remained in her room and claimed she had a headache when they asked her to join them. After everyone else had gone to Ross and Rachel’s to celebrate, Chandler knocked on Monica’s bedroom door. She didn’t answer, so he tried the door handle, but it was locked.

 

“Damn,” he muttered. “Monica? Monica, please let me in,” he pleaded. Still no answer. “Mon, are you ok? I just wanna make sure you’re ok, then I’ll leave you in peace if that’s what you want.”

 

“It is, I’m fine, now go away,” Monica snapped. Chandler knew her well enough not to believe her.

 

“Sweetie, please open the door and talk to me,” he begged. There was a loud bang, which he assumed was Monica throwing something at the door.

 

“I don’t want to talk to you. Now go away and leave me alone!” she yelled.

 

Monica was lying on her side on her bed, facing the door. She looked at the shoe she had thrown and felt guilty for taking out her anger on Chandler. None of this was his fault. But she didn’t say anything more to him, because she was biting her lip to hold back her tears and knew if she spoke, she would lose control. After a few minutes, when she thought Chandler had gone, she finally let go, and sobbed into her pillow. She rolled over so she was facing away from the door, away from Chandler had been, when he had tried to reach her.

 

Hearing her sobs through the door, Chandler thought his heart would break. He hadn’t left the apartment, just in case she changed her mind. He was sat, leaning against the door. He wanted to leave when he heard her crying, partly because the sound was so heart wrenching, and partly because he knew she wouldn’t want him to hear her crying. But he felt more than ever that he couldn’t leave.

 

“Oh Mon,” he said softly.

 

Weeks passed and Monica remained just as anti-social. She yelled at her friends whenever they went over, and was especially short tempered with Chandler, perhaps because she thought that since he knew what she had been through, he would judge her less than the others would for biting his head off. Her friends now mostly hung out at Ross and Rachel’s to avoid Monica’s sharp tongue. But they were still worried about her, especially Ross. It was only really Chandler who persisted in going over to Monica’s to check she was ok, but he never got more than two sentences out of her before she either told him to go away or fled to her room, usually crying.

 

Three weeks after Monica lost the baby, Ross approached Chandler to talk about his little sister.

 

“Chandler, we all know you still go over there. Does she talk to you?” Ross asked. He missed Monica a lot, he really loved her.

 

“No,” Chandler sighed. “I mean, I keep trying, but she just clams up.”

 

“Do you know why she’s started acting like this?” Ross asked, concerned. Chandler wanted to tell Ross about the baby and the miscarriage, but he had promised Monica he wouldn’t tell anyone. Besides, he knew if he told Ross, he’d storm over there and drag the whole thing out of her, which Chandler suspected would make things a thousand times worse. “Its like ever since she had that stomach bug, she’s been acting weird,” Ross said thoughtfully.

 

“Are you sure?” Chandler said, starting to worry that Ross would figure it out. “Um, I mean, I thought she’d been acting strange ever since she broke up with Richard.”

 

“Dude, that was months ago!” Ross argued. Chandler shrugged nervously. “You know, if she really hasn’t gotten over Richard yet, maybe we should do something.”

 

“Like what Ross? She won’t let us,” Chandler pointed out. Ross sighed.

 

“Maybe she should talk to someone,” he suggested reluctantly.

 

“What? You mean like a shrink?” Chandler asked, shocked that Monica’s own brother would say something like that.

 

“Yeah,” Ross said uncomfortably. Chandler firmly shook his head.

 

“She doesn’t need to see a shrink,” he insisted.

 

“Then you must know something I don’t, because from where I’m standing, she need’s help,” Ross said.

 

“How can you say Monica’s crazy?” Chandler demanded, feeling his temper starting to slip out of his control. “She needs help, yes, but OUR help, not some shrink who doesn’t know anything about her or what she’s been through.”

 

“Chandler, she broke up with her boyfriend, people do it all the time,” Ross shouted back. He paused suddenly. “There’s more isn’t there?” he asked in a quieter voice. “It’s more than just the break up and YOU know what it is don’t you?” Chandler looked away guiltily. “Come on Chandler, she’s my sister, I care about her, and I want her to be ok.”

 

“Ok, ok, you’re right, there is more,” Chandler admitted, “And yes, I know what it is, but I swore I wouldn’t tell anyone.”

 

“You HAVE to tell me, please Chandler!” Ross said. Chandler was torn. He wanted to share the burden of knowledge and responsibility, but didn’t think it was the best thing to do for anyone.

 

“I can’t. Monica would kill me if I told you, and it wouldn’t do any good you knowing anyway,” Chandler said eventually. Ross sighed heavily.

 

“You just take care of her then,” he said. “Give her my love next time you see her, ok? Tell her we’re all thinking about her.” Chandler promised that he would.

 

Fuelled by Ross’s concern in addition to his own, chandler made an effort to go see Monica that evening. He promised himself that he would stay, even if she screamed at him to leave. What Ross had said about her needing to talk to a shrink worried him and played on his mind as he entered the apartment.

 

Monica was sat at the kitchen table. She looked up, startled when Chandler came in. He gasped audibly. She had lost weight and he baggy clothes hug loosely on her skinny body. Her hair was lank and greasy and she had carelessly scraped it back into a ponytail. No make-up hid her pale, gaunt face and the shadows under her eyes. But it was her eyes that scared Chandler the most. He couldn’t have put it into words but there was a kind of deadness there, certainly not the sparkling blue eyes that usually shone out from Monica’s face.

 

“Oh Monica,” he said, moving to stand next to her and hug her. “What’s going on?” he asked gently.

 

“Nothing,” she insisted, pushing him away and heading for her bedroom with tears in her eyes.

 

“Mon, please don’t run away,” Chandler begged. Monica stopped and turned to look at him for a long few seconds. Then she nodded and sat down on the couch, Chandler sat next to her and hugged her tightly.

 

”Chandler, I don’t know, I don’t know what’s happening to me, and that scares me so much,” Monica said. She leaned against Chandler and allowed herself to cry.

 

“Oh Mon, Monica, honey,” Chandler tried to comfort her. “Its ok sweetie, I’m here, I’m here, its gonna be ok.”

 

“Why am I feeling like this?” she asked helplessly. “Why is every day grey, not even black, because then I could hate it and be angry. It’s just grey, always grey.” Chandler didn’t have the answers she craved. He understood her helplessness, because he felt it too; He had never felt so powerless in his life.

 

“I’m sorry Mon,” he mumbled into her hair. “I think we need to have a long talk.”

 

“We are talking,” she pointed out.

 

“You know what I mean,” he said firmly.

 

“Yes,” she said sadly. Monica was afraid to talk about it, afraid that Chandler wouldn’t understand, that he would judge her. She dreaded him telling her to just ‘snap out of it’, because she knew now that she couldn’t, and she needed him to understand that, but she wasn’t sure she had the words to help him understand.

 

Chandler listened silently as Monica poured her heart out to him. He stroked her arm or kissed her hair or her cheek, when he felt she needed reassurance. But he didn’t speak. He didn’t want to interrupt her, and besides that, he didn’t know what he could possibly say. Somehow Chandler sensed that she didn’t want sympathy, it was meaningless to her now.

 

Monica slowly, painfully explained how she had felt ‘down’ after breaking up with Richard. She had felt unwanted and hopeless of ever finding someone she loved who wanted she same things she did. Monica admitted that even though she had soon perked up, it had really been just a brave face, an act, that she was still hurting and confused inside. Chandler felt terrible for not having noticed, and he squeezed her shoulders to convey that to her. Monica didn’t seem to notice, she was too involved in recounting how she had felt and the stony road to the way she was feeling now.

 

Monica told Chandler how the pregnancy only made her feel worse. She was terrified of being a single mom. Her self-doubt in her ability to raise a child by herself had spread to worry about her financial situation. She thought she’d never get a better-paid job that she actually enjoyed. And Rachel would move out when the baby was born, and she wouldn’t be able to manage the rent alone, especially if she stayed on to look after the baby or had to pay for childcare when she went to work. Chandler was beginning to see how things had mounted up for her until she was buried so deep there was no escaping.

 

Telling him about how the miscarriage made everything a thousand times worse, Monica couldn’t stop the tears flowing down her face. She persistently tried to wipe them away, but more and more kept falling. She said she felt guilty, because she had hated and resented the baby while it was growing inside of her, and she blamed herself for having killed it. Chandler desperately wanted to interrupt and tell her it wasn’t her fault at all, it was just something that happened, but Monica was talking to fast now, the words were rushing out, like a torrent had been released. He later realised that telling her that she was wrong to feel the way she was would have done more harm than good anyway. Monica explained how she thought her mother would go on at her for killing her grandchild as well. Chandler didn’t believe that even Judy Geller would be THAT cruel, but he kept his mouth shut.

 

Her words came slower, as if she was feeling her way carefully around them, as she told him that she had been avoiding her friends and her brother because she felt that she would let them down. She didn’t want them all fussing over her. She said she couldn’t laugh or smile anymore, that trying to force herself to be around them only wore her out.

 

Finally, Monica looked at Chandler as she quietly told him that she at last knew that she had a problem, that she had passed out of the area where she could help herself get over it, that she was now so confused and in so much pain that she needed someone else to pull her free of it.

 

Guiltily, she saw that she had reduced Chandler to tears, and she looked away. Chandler hugged her as tightly as he possibly could. He felt that he would do anything in the world, if only it would stop Monica from hurting. She pressed her face against his shoulder and for the first time in too long, she felt something resembling hope. Chandler was here now, Chandler, her best friend. She trusted in his power to help her to safety. Things had mounted up and grown way of proportion and she could no longer fight alone.

 

After a long time, they broke apart, both of them had eventually stopped crying, but their eyes were swollen and their cheeks red.

 

“What do you want me to do?” Chandler asked. Monica shrugged and the helpless, scared look returned. Didn’t he understand? She didn’t KNOW what she needed from him; she just needed him to make everything ok again, as he usually did.

 

“Help me,” she said with so much emotion Chandler almost started crying again. “Please help me Chandler. I can’t do this by myself.”

 

“I know Mon,” he said quietly. “And I promise to be here for you.” That was all it took to set both of them off crying all over again.

 

Over the course of the next few days, Monica seemed to improve. Chandler spent nearly all his time with her, and despite worried inquiries from their friends, especially Ross, he had kept it to himself. He had decided he should find out more about what Monica was suffering from before he tried to do more for her than simply listen and let her talk. So one evening, when Joey was out on a date, Chandler searched the Internet for information.

 

Simply seeing the word ‘depression’ scared him. He didn’t want to think of Monica as depressed, and tried to convince himself that she wasn’t really, she was just going through a hard time because of all the crap she’d gone through. But she had so many of the signs that were listed as possible signs of depression. Everything he read seemed to confirm what Ross had said, that Monica should get professional help, that it was too much for anyone to cope with alone. But Chandler was determined he would only suggest to Monica that she see a shrink if she got any worse. And she did seem to be getting better, slowly yes, but he was confident she would make it. He knew Monica well, and believed she was a fighter.

 

A few days later, when Chandler went over there, he found Monica sobbing on the couch. He was surprised and worried that all the progress she had made in just a few days seemed to have been lost. All Chandler could do was hold her and let her sob in his arms. When she had calmed down enough to talk, Monica looked at Chandler, her eyes big and scared.

 

“I’m scared Chandler,” she said desperately. “I woke up this morning and somehow I just KNEW that today was gonna be awful.”

 

“Has something happened?” he asked anxiously.

 

“No, I don’t know what it is,” she said desperately. He hugged her and kissed her cheek, then gently kissed the tears off her face. Monica relaxed in his strong comforting arms, letting his little kisses rain soothingly down over her face. His lips gently brushed hers and she opened her mouth. Chandler was surprised, but her arms were around him, he was still holding her tightly, and the whole thing seemed king of surreal. When Monica pushed her tongue into his mouth, for a few seconds, Chandler felt he should push her away, because she was too vulnerable, and he felt guilty for taking advantage of her. Then he kissed her back, unable to help himself.

 

Before Chandler was really aware of what was going on, Monica’s small hands were fumbling with the buttons on his shirt. He stopped her quickly.

 

“Mon, what are you doing?” he asked, confused.

 

“Chandler, please don’t talk,” she begged, “I don’t know why this feels right, but it does.”

 

“You need me as a friend, not, well not like this,” he tried to argue.

 

“I need you like this too,” she whispered, blinking back tears of frustration. Frustration with herself and Chandler, the more he refused, the more she feared he though she was crazy. “Please,” she added. Chandler had a bad feeling that he would regret it, but he managed to convince himself that it was what she wanted and was therefore ok.

 

“Okay,” he breathed. They kissed again and cautiously undressed each other until they were wearing only their underwear. Monica was suddenly shy and self-conscious, realising for the first time that Chandler could see how much weight she had lost due to her depression. He took her slowly into her bedroom, maintaining eye contact, the whole time, making sure Monica was comfortable with this. Once she was lying down on the bed, Chandler leaned over her and covered her whole body with kisses, wordlessly telling her that she was beautiful and he loved her.

 

When it was over, Chandler wanted to stay awake and talk to her, reassure her, make sure she was ok. But it was later than he had thought, and he ended up acting like a typical guy and falling asleep almost straight away.

 

Chandler woke up suddenly a few hours later. It was now well past midnight. He wondered what had woken him, half hoping it was Monica, wanting to go again, but when he looked over to where he expected her to be, she was gone.

 

He knew she could have just gone to the bathroom or something, but the knot growing and twisting in his stomach told him otherwise. With a sigh at having to leave the nice warm bed, Chandler got up. He stumbled into the living room to look for her.

 

“Monica?” he called. No answer. The bathroom door was slightly ajar, he tentatively pushed it open, but the bathroom was empty. He even checked in Rachel’s room, but there was no sign of her anywhere in the apartment. Panic rose in his throat, but he made a huge effort to swallow it, and decided to go see if she had wandered across the hall. He had no idea why she would go there in the middle of the night, but clinging onto it stopped him from completely losing his head.

 

Then he saw her. And nearly vomited with fear. Chandler had glanced towards the window and had seen a figure standing on the balcony, on the wall, ready to jump. He ran to the window and scrambled out.

 

“Monica!” he called. She turned when she heard his voice, looking terrified now that he had caught her. It was raining, and she was soaked through. “Monica, what is this?” Chandler demanded. She looked away and he noticed tears mingling with rainwater on her face. He took a step towards her, and she turned to watch him, almost losing her balance in the process. Chandler gave a yell of fear and moved forward; ready to grab her if she fell. Monica screamed.

 

“Don’t,” she begged him.

 

“Ok,” he said, taking a step backwards, “ok Mon.”

 

“We shouldn’t have done it,” she mumbled. She was shaking, partly from fear; fear of what she might do and fear of what she and Chandler had already done; and also, she was freezing cold, as she was only wearing Chandler’s t-shirt and her panties, and she had obviously been here for some time, judging by how wet she was. He realised he was only wearing boxers and was also fast becoming wet and cold.

 

“Done what?” he asked.

 

“I’m too fucked up,” she said, ignoring his question. “I don’t wanna screw you up as well.”

 

“Believe me, you couldn’t screw me up as much as my parents already have,” Chandler said.

 

“I’ve ruined everything. We shouldn’t have done it. We could never make a relationship work, and I’ll lose you as a friend. I can’t cope without you Chandler.” He just wanted to pull her back inside and hug her and kiss her and tell her he loved her and would do anything to keep her safe from her demons.

 

“Mon, you’ll never lose me as a friend, I promise,” he said gently, although he had no idea if she was even hearing what he was saying. There was a pause while she seemed to think about this.

 

“I’m scared Chandler,” she whispered after a long time. “I’m scared of this, this THING that’s eating me up. I feel like I’m drowning.”

 

“I’ll swim in and save you then,” Chandler promised.

 

“No, its too strong,” Monica said sadly. She paused, but Chandler sensed she had more that she needed to say and he waited for her to continue. “I’m not even sure I WANT to be saved anymore,” she said softly. Chandler felt a fear far worse than ever before grip him. She was gone.

 

“Please let me save you,” he pleaded. “You said you can’t cope without me, well I can’t cope without you either. I need you. I love you.” Monica looked at him desperately, trying to search his face to find love and comfort. Her eyes were dull, but he was sure she had fight left in her still. She was shaking more than ever, and Chandler realised he was shaking too.

 

“I love you too Chandler,” she said with a desperate sadness. She turned away from him. Chandler screamed like a wounded animal as he realised what she was about to do. Monica didn’t even hear him. She jumped.

 

“Mercury” by Counting Crows

 

She is trapped inside a month of grey

And they take a little every day

She is a victim of her own responses

Shackled to a heart that wants to settle

And then runs away

It’s a sin to be fading endlessly

Yeah, but she’s alright with me

 

She is leaving on a walkaway

She is leaving me in disarray

In the absense of a place to be

She stands there looking back at me

Hesitates, and then turns away

She’ll change so suddenly

She’s just like mercury

Yeah, but she’s alright with me

 

Keep some sorrow in your hearts and minds

For the things that die before their time

For the restlessly abandoned homes

The tired and weary rambler’s bones

And stay beside me where I lie

She’s entwined in me

Crazy as can be

Yeah, but she’s alright with me

 

THE END

 

 

Please leave a review or e-mail me at [email protected] and tell me what you think. I don’t own the lyrics to “Mercury”, Adam Duritz, of Counting Crows does.