Broken Hearts (part 5)

Monica pushed Mark away form her and straightened her clothes. She didn’t look at Chandler, who stood frozen in the doorway. Mark stood up and backed away from the couch.

“Monica,” Chandler said in a shaky voice.

“I’m sorry Chandler,” she said, tears already streaming down her cheeks.

“Get the fuck out of here before I kill you,” Chandler said in a low, dangerous voice. For a second Monica thought he was talking to her, but he was staring at Mark, and from that look, Monica could tell he meant what he was saying. Mark obviously thought so too, because he hurried out of the apartment without pausing to look at either Monica or Chandler. Monica didn’t watch him leave, she just looked at Chandler.

“Chandler,” she said desperately.

“Monica, what the hell are you doing to me?” Chandler asked, deeply hurt.

“I’m so so so sorry, Chandler,” she said. She stood up and went over to him, trying to comfort him. She reached up to touch his face. But her jerked away form her hands, stepping backwards into the hallway. He wasn’t angry, but he acted as if her touch would burn him.

“Tell me I didn’t just see what I thought I saw,” he begged. Monica was silent. She loved him to much to try and lie to him, to explain it all away, even though he looked like he wanted to hear anything other than the truth. Anything that would allow him to believe that his wife was faithful. “Please, Mon, he said softly, begging her with his eyes.

“I can’t,” she whispered.

Chandler walked past her into the apartment. He sat down in the livingroom, a look of pure shock and pain on his face, which suddenly looked ten years older. Monica shut the door and followed him.

“Why? Why Monica? Please just tell me why?” he pleaded in a monotone that scared her.

“Does there have to be a specific reason?” Monica asked. She didn’t’ want to tell him that she’d just wanted the thrill of a new relationship before she got married. It sounded petty and stupid now.

“Yes, because otherwise it just means you don’t give a shit about me anymore, that you don’t think I even deserve and explanation as to why my fiancee, my pregnant fiancee, is cheating on me,” Chandler said, still sounding mortally wounded.

“I don’t know. I ended it, but he wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer,” she said, standing in front of Chandler, she felt like she was on trial, and Chandler was judge, jury, witness and defendant.

“What? Monica, how long ago did this start?” Chandler asked.

“Six months ago. But it only lasted for a month. He came round last week, and that’s when it started again,” she said. She saw no point in lying. Chandler would see through her anyway.

“Six months? So you were seeing him when you got pregnant?” he demanded. Silently, Monica nodded. “You fucking bitch!” Chandler screamed at her. She recoiled from his anger in fright. “So if I hadn’t walked in on you two today, I could have spent my whole life bringing up that bastard’s son!?” he shouted.

“No, Chandler, its your baby,” Monica insisted.

“How the fuck do I know that?”

“Think about it Chandler. We were trying for a baby. You really think I’d be stupid enough to have unprotected sex with another man?”

“I never thought you’d be stupid enough to screw another man. How would I know if you’re stupid enough not to use a condom?” Chandler said meanly.

“We did Chandler, I swear,” Monica told him. She didn’t mention the one time they hadn’t.

“You can’t guarantee me that its my baby, can you? Only as far as condoms guarantee protection. That’s 99% Monica,” Chandler said.

“Chandler, all I can do is say I’m sorry. What happens next is up to you,” Monica said.

“I want him to have a paternity test,” Chandler said coldly. Monica thought it was ironic that Mark wanted the same thing. “I love that little boy so goddamn much already, but I don’t want to always wonder if he really is my son.”

“He is Chandler, I know he is,” Monica insisted again.

“I can’t believe you’ve done this to me. I love you more than I ever thought I could love anyone. I thought you felt the same way about me. You’re my whole life, and I can’t live without you, but by God, Monica, I wish I could. I wish I could hate you and throw you out and forget you. But I can’t. I love you way to much,” Chandler said brokenly. Hearing him say that he wanted to hate her but couldn’t made monica hate herself.

“I’m sorry Chandler,” she said again.

“If you were at all sorry, you wouldn’t have had an affair. And you especially wouldn’t have restarted it last week! Mon, you’re pregnant! Did that tiny fact just kind of slip your mind?”

“No, but,” Monica started to defend herself.

“Monica, nothing you sat can get you out of this. Nothing can make it okay for you to cheat, especially when you’re pregnant.”

“Chandler, the fact that I’m pregnant has nothing to do with this,” monica shouted, raising her voice for the first time. “This is about you and me, not the baby.”

Chandler’s fist flew out before he could stop it. He hit Monica hard on her left cheek. She was shocked and scared by the violence of Chandler’s reaction. Monica held her hand to her cheek and stared at him, stunned.

“Mon, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that. I was angry and hurt and scared,” he confessed. Chandler moved forward to Monica and reached up to her injured cheek. She moved away in fright. Chandler looked very sad. “Mon, please,” he said in a hurt voice. He suddenly felt very tired. His heart was smashed into tiny pieces by the woman he loved, and now he had hit this same woman, who had hurt him so bad, but who he still loved, and who was pregnant, probably with his baby. Monica let him touch her cheek, which he did with the same tenderness as when they were making love.

“Chandler, if the baby has a paternity test, and he is yours, what will you do? Will you forgive me? Will we split up and share custody? What?” monica asked after several minutes of silence.

“I don’t know,” he said slowly. “No, actually I do know,” he said after a few seconds, having realised that there was only one thing he could possibly do. “I couldn’t leave you Mon. No matter what you’ve put me through, I would never leave you. And as for the custody thing, I love that little boy so much already. I don’t want to only see him on odd weekends, like Ross sees Ben. I want to tuck my son in every night, and help you get up to see to him at two thirty am. I want to be a proper Daddy, not just the guy who donated sperma and a last name,” he said carefully. Monica nodded, taking it all in.

"And what if he isn't yours?" she asked, because she had to know.

"Then my life is over," Chandler said simply.

Monica hated herself for doing that to him. Whatever happened, she woudl still have her son. Chandler was right, he didn't even have that guarunteed to him anymore. Monica would never stop her son seeing his father, but what if Chandler wasn't the father.

They were silent for a long time. Chandler cried quietly, while Monica moved around the apartment making dinner. Chandler occassionally looked up to watch her, but if she noticed his gaze, he instantly looked away. He couldn't believe that even as he wondered if he would ever really have her back, like she used to be, he couldn't stop thinking about how beautiful she looked.

Monica made a pasta sauce that she knew Chandler loved. When it was ready she called him to the table and served the meal. Chandler sat down and stared at the food as if he had never seen it before in his life. When Monica sat down herself, she realised she wasn't hungry at all.

"I'm not hungry," Chandler said childishly.

"Me neither," Monica said. She ventured a smile.

"This is stupid," he said. "We're sat here, trying to be normal, trying to pretend nothings changed. But Mon, it has. Everythings changed. Its all ruined now."

"I know I've hurt you Chandler. But if we're going to have a chance of raising our son together, we have to move on," she said.

"Mon, I woke up this morning totally happy and in love. But right now it feels like the only thing i know is the hurt of what you've done. I want to move on, but I can't."

They sat at the table for another ten minutes before realising that the food was going cold, and they weren't going to eat it anyway, or try and talk to each other. Monica smiled and stood up, to clear away the plates. Chandler stopped her.

"You cooked it. I was too ungratefull to eat it, I'll clean up," he said bitterly.

"Okay, thanks," monica said, continuing the pretense of normality. "I'm gonna go take a shower.

"'Kay," Chandler said, scraping their untouched food into the bin.

They watched some mind numbing TV for an hour or so later, but neithe rof them paid much attention. Chandler was staring at Monica, wondering if she loved Mark, wondering if she had given Mark as much pleaseure as she gave him, wondering if Mark gave her as much as he did. Monica was busy thinking abot how much she loved Chandler and wondering why she had ever slept with Mark in the first place.

"I'm going to bed," she said at about ten o'clock. They never normally went to bed that early, unless they wanted to have sex, but she couldn't take the tension that filled the living room for much longer. It felt like the air would burst into flamesat any moment, with any seemingly innocent thing as the ignition.

"Okay," Chandler said, but didn't move to follow her. She couldn't help feeling slightly relieved. If she was asleep when he came in, they wouldn't have to do any more pretending.

Once Monica was in bed, she couldn't fall asleep. She wasn't at all tired, because it was too early for her to fall asleep, and the baby kept her awake most nights, meaning she usually slept until mid morning. When Chandler came in an hour later, he was quiet so he didn't wake her up. But when he slid under the covers, he felt her move her leg restlessly. Her calf brushed his knee and he flinched. She withdrew her legs back over to her side of the bed instantly. Her reaction puzzled Chandler. he had flinched because he was surprised, because he thought she was asleep. Did she think he flinched because he didn't want to touch her?

Moncia hated sleeping alone. She liked haveing Chandler's strong arms around her, protecting her. But she doubted that he woudl want to touch her right now, and his reaction when she accidentally touched him, proved it. So she was very surprised when Chandler rolled over and put his arm around her.

"Monica?" he whispered, "Are you awake?" She turned her head to face him. "I want you," he said. Monica was shocked, both by his words and his tone of voice.

"Chandler?" she said. She had thought he wouldn't want to sleep with her for a while, definately not tonight. He didn't answer, he just rolled her over onto her back. He was wearing boxers, which he kicked off. He pulled Monica's nightie over her head.

The sex they had that night wasn't making love. It wasn't at all loving, or passionate. Chandler didn't care about Monica's feelings. He didn't care what she wanted. He even almost forgot about the bump. He just wanted to have sex wiht her, sort of to reclaim her from Mark. Because he was so insensitive, he hurt her without meaning to, he didn't notice the pained expression on Monica's face and she didn't dare ask him to stop or to be more gentle, because she felt like he was punishing her. He pounded into her, getting the physical reaction from his own body, but not enjoying it one bit.

When he was done, Chandler moved back to his side of the bed. Monica turned so her back faced Chandler. She was crying quietly, unable to believe that her beloved Chandler could hurt her like that. She was awake for another hour before she eventuallt cried herself to sleep. She thought Chandler was asleep, but he wasn't, he was wide awake. Hearing her cry made him long to put his arms around her and hold her and comfort her, maybe even make love to her again, this time like he usually did, with love and tenderness. But he didn't. he just lay there, not looking at her, but hearing her muffled sobs.

In the morning, Moncia woke up alone. She wasn't upset by what Chandler had done anymore, just angry at him. Just because she had cheate don him, didnt' give him the right to treat her like shit.

When she was dressed, monica went out into the livingroom, her anger changed into something she didn't recognise. Chandler had gone to work but had left a single red rose, and a note on the table. She smiled as she picked up the rose, hoping that it was a peace offering. She felt a sharp pain in her finger and dropped the rose. There was a tiny dorp of blood on her finger tip. She sucked her finger and unfolded the note.

Monica,
Like you, this rose is beautiful
Like you, it also causes pain
Beauty or pain
You see whichevr you want to see
Chandler

Moncia smiled ironically. So much for a peace offering. She never knew Chandler to be much of a person for meaningful metaphors, but it seemed her had more talent than she had thought.

When Chandler came home, he already regretted leaving the mean note and the rose for monica. After all he had done to her last night, why did he have to do more? Monica was in the bathroom, he could hear the shower running. She had thrown out the note, but the rose sat on top of the coffee table in a plain white vase.

Dinner that night was more normal that it had been the previous night. Monica cooked, they both ate, Chandler cleared away the dishes. They talked about trivial things, but once the safe topics of Chandler's day at work, the shopping Monica would get tomorrow and what their friends were up to had all been exhausted, they ate in silence. It seemed there was far too much silence between them these days. There never used to be. Chandler would have filled every pause with a joke or sarcastic remark. Moncia had never expected to miss that, but she did.

Later on, Joey, Rachel and Phoebe came over to hang out. Rachel said Ross would have come, but Carol and Susan had gone to New Jersey to visit Susan's sister, so he had Ben staying with him for the week. Monica was unsure how to act around the others. She didn't know how Chandler was going to play it with them, so she decided to wait until Chandler called it before she mentioned Mark, or that anything was wrong between her and Chandler.

He smiled as he poured drinks for all five of them, then sat on the couch next to Monica and casually put his arm around her. She froze under his touch, but as Chandler squeezed her arm slightly, she leaned towards him.

"That's a beautiful rose mon," Rachel said, pointing to the vase on the coffee table. This time, it was Chandler's turn to wonder what Monica would say. He wasn't really expecting her to say: 'yes, Chandler gave it to me because its beautiful and causes pain, like me'. But then, he hadn't expected her to cheat. maybe he didn't really know her at all anymore.

"Yes, Chandler gave it to me," monica said easily. She turned and kissed his cheek. She wasn't really lying, just leaving out a few things.

All evening, the pretense that everything was normal, that they were still as happy and in love as they always had been went on. But when the others had left, monica asked him why he had kept it up.

"Why? You want them to find out?" Chandler asked, genuinely surprised, even if the sarcasm hid it well.

"No, its just, I don't know. I guess I expected you to want to humiliate me," Monica said. 'Like you did last night,' she added silently, but Chandler guessed that was what she was thinking.

"No, not at all. Besides, if the baby's mine, i want us to be able to go back to something resembling what we used to have. That'll never happen if they all hate you for cheating on me," Chandler said matter of factly.

Monica put her head down. he was right. If their friends ever found out what she had done, they would hate her. Especially Ross and Rachel, who had already had their relationship screwed up by Mark, they woudlnt' want Chandler to go through the same thing. And especially Joey, Chandler's best friend. Phoebe too, because she had her strong moral principals, although Monica thought Phoebe was the one most likely to stick up for her in the end. And she depended entirely on Chandler's good will to keep her friends.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Don't hate me for making Chandler petty and mean. Its all gonna change later. Please review, even if its flames.