Dying (part 5)

Monica was burried on a Friday. Sha had died four days earlier. Her parents arranged everything, because Chandler was too much of a wreak to think straight. Ross was looking after Josh and Leanne, and Chandler hadn't left the apartment since Monica was killed. He hadn't changed out of his sweats or combed his hair either. His friends suspected he wasn't eating or sleeping either.

He held Josh's hand at the funeral, and carried Leanne. Phoebe had explained to them, in her own unique way, that their Mommy was dead, and never coming back, but neither she didn't know how much of it they had understood. Chandler hadn't understood most of it himself.

He closed his eyes throughout the church service. He heard Monica's parents talk about their daughter, and Ross read out a speech he had spent the last four days writing and rewriting. But Chandler didn't listen to any of them.

All he could think about was all the memories he had of Monica. He remembered when they first got together at Ross's second ill-fated wedding, in London. Their disasterous weekend away together. The time he proposed because he was sorry. When they went to Las Vegas and almost got married. When they moved in together. When Chandler proposed for real, even though Richard had complicated everything. Their wedding. Her telling him she was pregnant for the first time. Josh's birth, his first Christmas. Leanne's birth and first Christmas. And all his kids birthdays and Christmases. All his and Monica's anniversaries. Every single moment was important to him. He just couldn't belive they wouldn't make any more memories together.

Joey nudged Chandler to remind him that it was his turn to get up and speak, and jolted Chandler out of his daze. Slowly Chandler rose to his feet and made his way to the front of the church. He cleared his throat and began to speak.

"I never thought I'd be at Mon's funeral. I just never imagined she'd die before me. I guess because I can't imagine my life without her. I still can't. without her, my life is empty. I'm empty. The only thing I have left to keep me going is my wonderfull kids. Josh and Leanne, if it wasn't for you guys, I'd have nothing. And I'd be nothing. I love Monica so much, so damn much. I still love her," he corrected himself. "I love her so much it hurts. And I can't believe she's gone. She's been gone four days, and it feels like I haven't seen her, spoken to her, touched her, held her, kissed her, made love to her, for longer than forver. I can't explain what it feels like to lose her. I feel like a part of me died when Monica died. Part of me that I'll never get back if I live another million years. I wouldn't want to live another million years, because it would be a million years without her. I love you Mon, I always ," Chandler said in a quiet but clear voice. He was crying, but it didn’t stop everyone in the church hearing what he had to say.

When he was done, Chandler sat back down next to Josh and pulled Leanne onto his lap. He hugged them both like he never wanted to let them go. They were lucky, he thought. They were too young to really understand about death. And in time, they would forget about their Mommy, who died when they were so little. But Chandler would never forget her. And even though he was a grown up, and supposed to understand stuff, he didn't see how anyone, of any age, could ever understand something as pointless as death.

Outside the church, in the graveyard, Monica's coffin was carried to its final resting place. As she was lowered into the ground, Chandler felt as thoguh his heart was being torn in two. He threw his handfull of dirt into the hole, and tossed a single red rose on top of her coffin.

"Goodye Monica," he whispered lovingly.