TOW DMG and Ez Wreck Havoc
By
Alice
Hickman and Erica Turner
a.k.a.
Dumbmonkeygirl
and Ezika
(The gang minus Pheobe are sitting on the couch in Central Perk)
Phoebe (running in) Oh my
God! You guys are never gonna believe what happened to me today!
Chandler: The men in white
coats ALMOST caught up with you but you escaped just in time?
Phoebe: Well, yeah, but the
thing is, they weren't coming after ME
Ross: Makes a change!
Phoebe: (does the fist
thing) They were coming after.......
(pauses)
Chandler (sarcastic) Oh
please continue, the suspense is killing me
Phoebe: My fists are gonna
be sore tomorrow! (does the fist thing at Chandler)
Phoebe: ANYWAY... they were
coming after my husband
Monica: the ice dancer?
Phoebe: no
Joey: Me?
dumbmonkeygirl: Phoebe:
Nooooo….but lets see how that one would work out (licks her lips and winks at
Joey)
Rachel: Wow, Ross, have you
been giving Phoebe lessons in how to be married a lot?
Ross: (does the fist thing)
Monica: It's like an
epidemic!
Chandler: I knew there was
something up with that casserole! What a weird version of food poisoning!
Monica: (almost does the
fist thing but stops herself)
Phoebe:Will you guys focus!!! The men in white coats where after
my monkey husband DMG!
Rachel: There isn't a part
of that sentence i don't need explaining!
Phoebe: Ugh! You guys are
really slow sometimes! I went to Vegas, met a monkey, and you know, we ended up
getting married.
Chandler: I think I speak
on the behalf of everyone here when I say...OMG!
Monica: Phoebe are you feeling
okay honey? How many drinks have you had this morning?
Phoebe: Only 6!!!
Ross: How can you be
married and not tell us about it?
Phoebe: Because I knew
you'd wanna meet my husband, and well... you probably shouldn't
Rach: Why.......what's the
worst that could happen?
Phoebe: You could SEE it!!!
Phoebe: Or end up married
to it
Monica: Well why can't me
and Chandler meet, IT? We're already married to each other, we're not about to
marry a monkey!
Joey: And you think the
rest of us are?!
(Theme tune plays)
(Mon and Chans apartment, Mon and Phoebe walk in)
Mon: Oh please Phoebe, I
wanna meet the monkey!
Phoebe: What is wrong with
you?!!!
Chan: Now that is a
question with many, many answers
Mon: (sarcastic) Thanks for
the support darling!
Chandler: Anytime sweetie
Mon: SERIOUSLY, you know
Chandler, why can't I meet your husband
Phoebe: Because my husband
makes Chandler look normal!
Mon: Wow, you must have one
WEIRD husband
Chan: Thanks for YOUR
support darling!
Mon: (mocking) anytime
sweetie
Phoebe: Maybe I should just
sort out my issues and let you two freaks to sort out yours!
Rach (walking in) Umm
Pheebs I hate to break the news to you but I was just at yours trying to find
the sweater that I borrowed off Monica
Mon: Stole!
Rach: Fine, the sweater I ‘stole’
off Monica and it looks like there's been some sort of burglary. I mean the
furniture is all over the place and don't even get me started on the smell in
there. I'm so sorry sweetie.
Phoebe: No, no it's okay!
That's just my husband. It gets a little jello shot happy sometimes!
Mon: (looking worriedly
around her apartment) I'm not so sure i wanna meet it after all!
Phoebe: Told ya so!
Rach: But I do! You say
it's round your apartment right?
Phoebe: You dare go over
there Rachel Karen Green and I'll kick your ass!
Rach (running out) You'll
have to catch me first!
Phoebe: (chasing her) Oh, i
will! Believe me! and when i do, it won't be pretty!
(chandler and mon get up and rush out after them)
Chandler: We get to see
Phoebe kick Rach's ass AND meet the monkey! Could this day get any better?!
Mon: Well, you COULD clean
up in the kitchen after your "marmite and ice cream" experiment
Chandler: Not going to
happen sweetie
Mon: Eh, worth a try!
(Phoebe's apartment. Its chaos. The gang run in)
Pheebs: I have GOT to start
locking my door!
Mon: lock doors? Who the
hell does THAT?!
Rach: (searching) Where is
it? Where is it?!!! (loud crashes heard from the bedroom)
Phoebe: Oh no!
(they all rush in and there, bouncing up and down on the bed,
covered in mashed potato, ice cream and ketchup is DMG)
DMG: HEY you guys! Come
join in the fun (throws mash potato at Mon)
Mon: I do NOT like it!!!
Chandler: (hugs mon
reassuringly) Its ok honey. i might be messy, but i'd never throw mashed potato
at you (thinks about it) Whipped cream maybe, but not mashed potato!
Mon: awww, this is why i
married you and not a monkey
Chan: Thanks for
clarifying!
Rach (ducking as DMG throws
more mashed potato) This is a designer blouse! watch it monkey!
DMG: Oh come on you guys!!!
Lighten up! Join in the orgytastic fun!!!!
Chandler: (shudders) oh the
repressed memories
Rach: OMG! I have got to
phone Joey and Ross and Dora from work and.... (walks to the phone as she ticks
off more names on her fingers)
Phoebe (head in hands) I'm
ruined. RUINED!!!
DMG: (giggles insanely)
Want a lollipop?
Chan: I'm intrigued
Mon: (hits chandler
lightly) well get unintrigued!
Mon(takes the lollipop)
Okay now you can be intrigued again
Ez: Chan: (giggles)
Phoebe: will you two focus!
Chan *giggles*
Phoebe *glares* I have one
monkey and no ways of getting rid of it!!! I would hire an assasin but SBL
doesn't work on Saturdays *kicks the monkey*
DMG: Hey!!
Mon: (shudders at the
mention of SBL) that guy is such a creep!
Chandler: Aww, honey, you
have me to protect you now
Mon: (scoffing) yeah, ok
(Joey: I heard there was a monkey? Is there a monkey?!!! I left my
pizza's so there'd better be a monkey!!
DMG: (hyper) there's
definately a monkey! And lollipops! (hands Joey a lollipop)
Joey: um, thanks, i guess
Phoebe: You don't wanna
know where that's been!
Joey: eh (eats the
lollipop)
Rach: Joey! that's gross!
Ross *staring at DMG* You
know I've gotta say, I think it's kinda cute. It reminds me of marcel
Phoebe: Well you marry it
then!! *sees the look in Ross' eyes* No don't!
Rach: Omg! I can't believe
i dated that
Phoebe *pointing to DMG* I
can't believe I married that!
DMG: hey! (throws mashed
potato at phoebe)
Monica: Okay everyone just
calm down and we'll figure out what to do!!! Ross, stop being weird!!! Rachel
stop fighting with Ross!!! Joey stop eating the lolly, cause Ewww!!!! Monkey
thing stop jumping!! Phoebe lock the monkey thing in the cupboard. And Chandler
stop feeling my ass, now is not the time!!!!
Phoebe: Ok, but you forgot
one thing?
Mon: I did? what?
Phoebe: Monica breath!
(New scene, the coffee
shop. Chan is sitting by himself reading a paper. Ez walks in looking kinda
confused)
Chandler: Um, hi, can i
help you?
Ez: Uh huh. Ok, this sounds
like a really weird question, but i'm looking for my monkey husband, have you
seen it?
Chandler: Phoebe?
Ez: No, Dumbmonkeygirl the
1st
Chandler: No, my friend is
married to a monkey. What's your monkey like?
Ez: Always drunk, hyper,
probably handed out lollipops to the pretty ladies
Chandler: Kinda short.
Smells like what hell must smell like?
Ez: Sounds like my monkey!
Chandler: Aren't you kinda
pissed that its married to my friend?
Ez: Not really. The monkey
marries EVERYONE. I think it's trying to compensate for it's loveless childhood
chandler: i had a loveless
childhood, and I don't go round marrying everyone
Ez: give it time, you will
Chan: I don't think so. I'm
very in love with my wife Monica.
Ez: That's what DMG said to
me!!!
Chan: Are all of you Brits
this crazy?
Ez: Pretty much
Chan: Well you do live on
that island all by yourselves, it must get kinda lonely out there
Ez: Are you hitting on me?
Chan: NO! Like i said, I'm
happily married
Ez: Suuuuure, that's what
they all say!
Chan: Please go find your
husband and take it home! I've never been so grateful to an ocean before!
Ez: Fine, I will. But I
need your help. You see the thing is my monkey
Chan: *giggles*
Ez: *rolls eyes*
Chan: Don't do that.
Chan: You'll get an eye
tumour!
Ez: You sound like the
monkey!
Chan: Oh dear god!
(Mon and Joey are walking
outside the coffee shop)
Joey: Hey Mon, is that Chan
talking to another woman?
Mon: No, its just chandler
talking to himself again
Joey: No, no, there is
another woman there, she's just really short and hard to see
Mon: (looks closer) oh yeah
Mon: OMG!! He's cheating on
me!!!
Joey: awww, honey (puts his
arm around her)
Mon: Are you trying to
unhook my bra?
Joey: no! (pause) you want
me to unhook you bra?
Mon: NO!
Joey: Look mon, I wouldn't
freak out. Chan talks to Phoebe and Rach all the time and he isn't cheating on
you with them is he?
Mon: OMG!! He'scheating on
me with Rach and Phoebe as well!
(new scene. C&M's apartment, later. only they are there. mon
seems upset and chandler is "mildly" disturbed from his encounter
with ez)
Mon: So Chandler, did you
do anything interesting today
Chan: Yeah sort of
Mon: Really, was she pretty
Chan: what?
Mon: At least she wasn't a
monkey! right?
Chan: I repeat
"what?"!
Mon: She was a monkey,
wasn't she! You're cheatin on me with a monkey!!!
Chan: I'm still on
"what?" here Mon!
Mon: I can't believe you
would chea on me!!! After all we've been through!!! I can't believe you'd throw
that, and all the free sex, away!
(runs out the apartment)
Chan: (starting to run
after her) have you been breathing too many cleaning fumes or something?
(Pheobe's apartment. Pheebs
is trying to talk to DMG. DMG is bouncing on the couch and not listening to a
word)
Phoebe: Why don't you go
back to your nice little island far away from the sane people?
DMG: Cool! You're gonna buy
me an island?!
Phoebe: (slowly) You live
on an island
DMG: I do? Cool! Am i the
monkey ruler of the world?
Phoebe: If i say yes, will
you leave me alone?
DMG: But Phoebe, I love you
Phoebe: Yeah well, so do a
lot of people
Phoebe: PEOPLE, not
monkeys!
Phoebe: Look Dumbmonkeygirl
the 1st the bottom line is...........I want a divorce
DMG:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
You can't do that!!! That's
like depriving Mon of cleaning products forever, it's inhumane!
Phoebe: I don't care!
You're not human!
DMG: That is something i
never thought i'd hear you say! I'm very disappointed in you! Next thing i
know, you'll be wearing meat and eating furs!
Phoebe: NEVER!
DMG: Well then you'll be
wearing furs and eating meat then, whatever! Blonde bitch!
Phoebe: Furry slut!
DMG: Blonde bitch who can't
sing!
Phoebe: Don't make me kick
your ass!
DMG: (dances around waving
her ass in the air)
Phoebe: Okay I'm gonna
paint the town red with monkey ass!!!
DMG: I'd like to see you
try (sees Phoebe put on her ass kicking shoes) Uh oh (runs away)
Phoebe: Come back here you
monkey whore!!!
(Runs out)
Central Perk, Monica is
drinking coffee, looking slightly twitchy and frantic. Chandler comes in
mon: where the monkey? gone
to get its fleas treated?
Chan: Look Mon, I don't
know what exactly is going on in your head (thinks) and I don't think I want
to..... But I would NEVER cheat on you
Mon: Even with a monkey?
Chan: ESPECIALLY with a
monkey
Mon: Ok, then, so who was
that midget bitch i saw you with earlier?
Chan: huh? Oh she was
looking for the monkey. her husband!
Mon: Husband? OMG!
Chandler, you're secretly gay! You love male monkeys!
Chan: Are there any brick
walls around here for me to bang my head on?!!!!
Gunther: We prefer if you
don't do that, it damages the structure of the buildings
Mon: Ugh! Gunther go pour
some coffee or soemthing!
Guther: Cause I NEVER do
that
Chan: Just go! Before
Monica starts thinking i'm cheating on her with YOU!
Gunther: I really prefer
women, with brown hair and blonde highlights...who look just like rachel
Mon and Chan: What?
Gunther: Why don't i go
pour some coffee?
(Gunther hurries away)
Chan: Look hun, why are you
being so...monicaish about this?
Mon: Because I AM monica!
That's why you love me! (pause) isn't it?
Chan: Of course!
Mon (laughs uneasily) Of
course
(at this point Ez bounces in)
Ez: Chandler! *hugs
Chandler*
Mon: Don't hug my husband!
Ez: sowwy! *hugs mon*
Chan: Don't hug my wife!
Ez: jeez! How unhuggy can
people get?! *rolls eyes*
Chan: You see Mon, how
could you think I would sink THIS low?
Ez: *kicks Chandler*
Mon: Yeah, I see your point
Ez: *kicks Mon*
Chan: Look,
scary...hugging...lady. What exactly do you want from me?
Ez: My monkey! I miss her
*looks sad* And i'm afraid she's gonna end up married to more people! *looks at
Mon and raises an eyebrow*
Mon: NO WAY IN HELL!
Ez: That's what she said
*sniff* And look at it now!!
Chan: Ok, ok, if we help
you get your monkey back will you stop hugging us and leave us alone?
Mon: And go back to
whatever insane planet you are from?
Ez: Okay! But um, only if I
can have a lollipop too
Mon: FINE! You can have a
lollipop! You can have ALL the lollipops! But leave us alone for the LOVE OF
GOD!
Chan: Deal *sticks out his
hand to shake*
*Ez licks his hand*
(New Scene: Ross, Rachel
and Joey are sitting eating pizza at Joes apartment)
(a monkey comes running in)
DMG:
AGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Ross: Okay, am I
halluncinating or did a monkey just run into Rachel's bedroom?
Joey: Maybe Marcel came
back from the grave!
Rachel: Marcel isn't dead!
Joey: REALLY?
Ross: Really!
(Phoebe comes running in)
Phoebe: Where is it?!!!
DMG: I'm
HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE! All the purty ladies want the monkey!
Phoebe: I am gonna kick you
ass!
DMG: Nu uh! You don't have
an ass kicking hat!
Rach: *taking notes* No
what would this ass kicking hat look like?
*Ross looks at her*
Rach: WHAT?!! I need ideas
for the fall line up!
DMG: Ez thinks its
pretiful, but its not!
Phoebe: Is the ass kicking
hat REALLY the focus here?
Rach: well my fashion
impaired friends, I am here to tell you that hats are back. Although I’ve never
heard of Ass kicking hats before!
DMG: There are shit kicking
boots to match
Rachel: Ohhh boots!
DMG *sees something* Ohhh
pizza!
*takes pizza out of Joey's
hands*
Joey: You're a mean monkey
Phoebe: Will you help me get
rid of it Joey?
Joey: Will you give me
pizza?
Phoebe: ok, but only
vegatarian
Joey: That's no good!
Where's the dead pig in vegeterian pizza?!!
Phoebe: Dead pigs are
disgusting! But, if you don't help me, I'll give the monkey Dead Joey Pizza!
DMG: ooooooh! Yummy!
Joey: *scared* I'll help!
(Joey and Phoebe slowly circle DMG)
(Mon, Chan and Ez rush in)
Ez: Dont' hurt my monkey!
*Ez puts on her ass kicking
hat*
Rach: That is....unique
*scribbles off ass kicking
hat from her list*
Ez: What is wrong with you!
My ass kicking hat rocks my socks!
DMG: And mine!!!
Mon: You wear socks?!!
DMG: A monkey has needs
Phoebe: Is this your
monkey?
Ez: Yes! *emotional* And i
just want her to come home to Courteneyland!
Mon: WHERE?
DMG: *dreamy* A land where
everything is prettiful, durnk and crazy *sings* Somewhere over the durnk
rainbow, blue birds fly upside down....
Everyone: SHUT UP!!!
Chan: So if its such a
wonderful *makes a face to the rest of the gang* place, why do you wanna stay
here?
DMG: I don't! I just wanted
to come back and tell you (dramatic pause) Phoebe I'm pregnant with your
child!!!
Joey: How the hell did that
happen?!!!
Ross *sits Joey down* When
a woman and a monkey love each other very much...
Joey: Shut up!
Ez: You're PREGNANT?! You
cheated on me and your other wives and you're PREGNANT?!
DMG: *sheepish* Please
don't hurt me
Ez: well, since most of us
are still pregnant from one wedding or another, i won't hurt you *hugs DMG* But
lets go home now, ok?
DMG: *tearful* Okay
Friends: THANK GOD!!!
Phoebe: Look DMG, I know
that we didn't have the best marriage but I just wanted to say, if you ever
come near me again I will kill you AND all your other wives!!!
Ez: DMG, do NOT go near
her! I'm too young to die! And too prettiful!!
Chan: (to Mon) Have you
understood a word of this scene?!!
Mon: I gave up trying as
soon as the hugging freak put on the hat!
Chan: Thought so
Ez: One last hugs before we
leave?
Friends: NO!
DMG: Didn't think so
*Ez and DMG skip off
happily back to Courteney Land, hand in hand*
Chan: Could that have BEEN
any weirder?