Coming Home (part 5)

"Mon?" Chandler asked. He was in shock. Mommy? Monica and Richard had children? A pair of little girls he thought from their voices. Monica didnt' answer. She stood mid way between him and the phone. "They're your kids?" he asked gently. Monica opened her eyes and looked at him as if she had forgotten he was there. She nodded, looking ready to cry at any moment. "Monica, pick up the phone and talk to your kids. I'll wait in the bedroom," he said firmly. She didn't move towards the phone, so he did, brushing past her and picking it up. He didn't say anything, just held it out to her. Silently, almost reluctantly, Monica took it. As promised, Chandler went into her bedroom to give her some privacy.

"Hi guys," Monica said shakily.

"Mommy!" they squealed happily. Becky launched into a long explanation of why Uncle ross made a better pony than grandpa, and Monica listened, laughed in all the right places, but felt awful because she wasn't really listening to her daughter, she was thinking about what had just happened between her and Chandler.

In monica and Richard's bedroom, chandler was wondering if making Monica talk to her kids had been the right thing to do. What if she burst into tears? That would just frighten them, and they had to be very young.

Looking around the room, Chandler was reminded again and again that Monica had married Richard, not him. There was a framed photograph of their wedding day on the bedside table on what he presumed had been Richard's side of the bed. Chandler thought meanly that if you didn't know them, you could easily have thought Richgard was the father-of-the-bride. Looking closer, he realised it wasn't just that he was the same age as Jack Geller, but it was the way Monica was looking at him. There was a lot of love in her eyes, but Chandler found himself wondering if it was the same kind of love she had felt for him. Richard looked at her with the kind of doting, protective expression of a father. Neither of them, Monica especially, looked at the other with any passion, at least none that the photographer had managed to capture.

A picture of the family at a beach pained him the most. He had been right, monica and Richard had two little girls. They looked about two years old, and four years old. Monica had the younger one in her arms, and the older child clung to her legs. They were all wearing swimsuits. Monica looked grogeous in a blue bikini and white shorts. But it was Richard standing behind her with his arms around Monica's waist, not him.

Chandler wondered if Monica had kept any photos or memories of the two of them together, but he couldn't see any, which made sense, since she was married to someone else. He respected her too much to go rumaging thorugh her stuff. He opened the door a crack to see if monica had finished on the phone.

"Bye you two, goodnight, I'll see you tomorrow," she said, waited a second, presumably while they said goodbye, then hung up. Chandler went fully into the room. Monica turned when she heard the door open. Her eyes were bright with tears, and she looked so vulnerable and scared.

"You okay Mon?" Chandler asked her. That was all it took, she burst into tears. Chandler rushed forward and pulled her to him. he held her tightly and rocked her as she cried. "Shh, its okay," he whispered, stroking her hair, out of habit more than for any other reason.

"No its not," she said, her voice muffled by his chest.

"Maybe not now, but it will be, I promise," Chandler said soothingly. That seemed to satisfy her, and she cried out all the hurt and pain and grief of the last six days in his arms. Chandler let her cry and didn't say anything until she was done. monica looked up at him. his arms were still around her, her cheeks were wet with tears, her make up had run, and her hair was a mess. And the necklace had come loose. It now hung over the top of her breasts. Chandler carefully picked it up. Threaded onto the thing gold chain was the engagement ring Richard had given her. Chandler had to admit it was beautiful, and looked very expensive, but he thought it was a little too fancy.

For a second he wasn't sure why the discovery that Monica wore her engagement ring on a chain around her neck was so important, then it hit him. No matter how much he tried to convince himself otherwise, monica had loved Richard. She might not have felt the same passion for him as she had felt for Chandler, but she loved him enough to marry him, to have his children, and to always wear the ring he had given her around her neck.

"You really loved him, didn't you?" Chandler said sadly. Monica nodded.

"Once I did. But ever since you, I can't love him as much, because I know I love you so much more. does that make sense?" Monica said, avoiding his eyes.

"I should go," Chanlder said, not answering her question and feeling really uncomfortable.

"Sorry Chandler."

"Yeah, me too."

"I'll call you tomorrow," she promised. Chandler nodded and shrugged, he obviously didn't think she would.

When Chandler left, Monica sank onto the couch and closed her eyes. That was not the way she would have chosen for Chandler to find out about Becky and Amy. But at least it was over. At least he knew now. She hoped she would never have to see that look of hurt on Chandler's face. She knew she had let him down, and she hated herself for it. But she couldn't have hidden it from him forever, even if she ahd wanted to. She had just wanted to wait a while longer before she told him.

Chandler didn't go to Ross and Rachel's apartment. he didn't want to have to explain why he was so shocked and upset. Instead, he went to Central Perk, hoping it was still there and still open.

It was still there, and still open, but Gunther wasn't there anymore. Instead, the serving guy was younger, onyl about nineteen, and sullen looking. He served chandler his coffe without the same familiar chat as Gunther used to. Chandler sat alone, in the same area he and the others used to sit all the time. Only it felt weird being there by himself.

He couldnt' believe Monica hadn't told him that she and Richard had two children. Why hadn't she wanted him to know? Would she have told him if he hadn't heard them on the phone? Woudl Monica let him meet them? He wasn't sure if he wanted to. They were Monica's kids, with Richard. Kids he wished had been his, that should have been his.

When he finished his coffe, he went for a wander round New York, regardlessof the dangers of walking round the city alone after dark. Chandler found himself back at the building where he and Monica used to live. He climbed the stairs wihtout thinking about it, until he was in the hallway between the apartment he had lived in for seven years and theone he had lived in for just a year. It was weird, but Monica's old apartment had always seemed more like home. Partly because he spent more time there, but also because Monica made it that was. Not only that she cooked for them and let them hang out there all the time, btu the comfortable atmosphere that the place had.

That was the atmosphere he had wanted to recreate that afternoon with Monica in her new apartment. But he realised now he hadn't even come close. Perhaps because she had been tense and hiding something from him. But he thought she had wanted things back the way they used to be, or else why would she have kissed him?

When he brough Becky and Amy over the following day, Jack was concerned about Monica. She was miserable and depressed, even more than she had been a couple of days ago. Even seeing her kids made her cry again. Becky hugged her Mom, scared at seeing her cry. jack told the girls to wait in the bedroom they shared. He forced Moncia to sit on the couch, while he sat next to her and hugged her.

"Monica, your mother and I dont' mind if you want us to look after the girls for a little while longer," he offered.

"No, no, I'm fine," she said, hurriedly wiping her eyes. Jack didn't look convinced. "Really," she added.

"ARe you sure?"

"Yeah."

"You want me to stick aorund for a while?"

"No, thanks, you go home. We'll be fine."

"Call me if you need anything."

"I will. Thanks."

Jack kissed monica's cheek then went into the kdis bedroom to say goobye to them. When he was gone, becky and amy came out of their bedroom and nervously went over to Moncia.

"Mommy? Are you all better now?" Becky asked worriedly. Monica nodded, wiping her eyes.

"I'm fine sweetie. I'm sorry if I scared you two," she said. Amy threw her arms around her mother.

"I love you Mommy," she said. Moncia hugged her tightly.

"I love you too sweetie," she said. Becky joined the hug, and Monica held them bother tightly. She felt ready to start crying again, but she didn't want to frighten her kids, they had been through enough already.

Later on, when they were tucked up in bed, monica wondered if she should call Chandler. She had promised she would, but she wasn't sure if he would really want her to. In the end, she decided to call him, he could always hang up if he didnt' want to talk to her.

"Hello?" he answered the phone.

"Hi," she greeted him quietly.

"I didn't think you'd call," Chandler said.

"Sorry."

"No, I'm glad you did. So, did your kids come home today?"

"Yeah."

"Do I get to meet them?"

"You want to meet them?" she asked, genuinely surprised.

"Yeah, you know, if its okay with you. I mean, they're your kids. If I'd been in New York, I would have seen them," Chandler pointed out.

"If you'd been in New York, they would have been your kids," Monica pointed out. Chandler was silent. He kenw she was right, and it hurt, but he wanted to get over it and move on, hopefully with Monica.

"Yeah well, bygones and shit," he said wryly.

"Chandler, if you do meet them, would it be as my friend, or my...boyfriend?" she asked shyly.

"I don't know Mon, its up to you," he said, not wanting to force her into something she wasn't ready for. "You know how I feel. How do you feel about it all?"

"I want you to meet them," Monica said. "And I'd like it to be as a possible future stepdad. If you want to," she whisered, hoping she wasn't scaring him.

"Mon, I'd love to," he said simply. "But are you sure this is what you want?"

"Yeah. I don't want you to meet them if you're just gonna leave again. I don't want you to get to be a part of their lives them abandon us all," she said. Chandler suddenly realised how much he had hurt her when he went to Ottawa, and how scared she was of being hurt again. That was probably why she had married Richard, because it was nice and safe and he wouldn't hurt her, and she wouldnt' be so devestated if he left, because she wouldn't love him so much.

"I won't leave you again Monica. You or your kids. I promise," Chandler said. Monica smiled. She was very relieved to have his promise. She knew Chandler had once found it very easy to promise things just to make people happy, and to lie. But she knew he wouldnt' lie to her, especially about something as serious as this. She smiled wider than she had done for a long time.

TO BE CONTINUED...

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