Coming Home (part 4)

Before Chandler came over, Monica was careful to clean up, and remove all evidence of the kids from the living room. She didn't want him to find a stray barbie doll or teddy bear and have to explain that she and Richard had two kids. She knew she would have to tell him eventually, but she wanted to enjoy today with Chandler with nothing hanging over them.

Chandler arrived on time, and Monica let him in with a smile. She was nervous as he glanced around the living room.

"Nice place," he said politely. Monica smiled.

"Thanks."

"So, what's for lunch?" Chandler asked. Monica laughed. Maybe he was right. Maybe nothing had changed.

"I thought we could order Chinese or something," Monica suggested. Chandler raised his eyebrows. "I just don't feel like cooking at the moment."

"Sure, whatever." chandler agreed easily.

"Great, there's menus by the phone, could you get a couple please?"

"Sure," Chandler said, handing her some menus from a takeout place.

When their food arrived, Chandler and Monica sat on the floor in fron tof the couch, talking. They carefully skirted around the subject of Richard's death and they way Chandler had left until they had almost finished their lunch.

"I am sorry you know," Chandler said suddenly.

"About what?" Monica asked, confused by the sudden change in him, he looked much more serious than he had, just a few mintues ago.

"That Richard died. Okay, so I wasn't the guy's biggest fan, but he was your husband, and I'm sorry he died," Chandler said. Monica frowned. "What? You look disappointed."

"Its nothing," she said quickly, forcing her face into a smile. She studied the take away food in front of her as if she had never seen it before.

"mon, what is it?" Chandler asked. He put down his food and scooted over to her. "What's the matter Mon?" he asked, lifting her chin so she had to face him, but she averted her gaze , refusing to meet his eyes.

"I just wasn't expecting you to say that," she said quietly.

"What were you expecting me to say, honey?" he asked, not even noticing that he'd called her 'honey'.

"I don't know," Monica said, obviously lying.

"Did you want me to apologise for leaving?" he asked softly. She nodded slowly, then pulled away from his gentle touch, "Becuase I'm sorry for that too," he whispered.

"You are?" she asked softly.

"Uh huh," he whispered back. Monica finally met his eyes.

"I'm sorry you left too," she replied. Chandler leaned closer and let his lips brush against hers. She jumped back from his gentle kiss, looking like a scared rabbit caught in the glare of headlights.

"Mon?" he asked hoarsely.

"I'm sorry Chandler. Its just... I don't know. I guess I'm just not ready for this, for that," she said, standing up and moving away from him.

"No Mon, I'm sorry. I know Richard only died a few days ago."

"Six," she said quietly. "He's been dead six days and I'm kissing another man." She sounded shocked and angry at herself.

"Its not your fault. Its my fault. I kissed you, remember?" Chandler said. To him, it wasn't a bad thing at all, it was wonderful and natural. But if monica felt bad for such a quick kiss, he would take all blame for it. The last thing he wanted was to hurt her.

"I'm sorry Chandler," she said again.

"Don't be. Now, how about we have some ice cream and forget all about this?" he suggested.

"Okay," she agreed. "I'll get it," she added hastily, remembering all the kiddie food in the freezer, chicken nuggets, fish fingers. Chandler would ask why she had all those things if he saw them, since she prefered to cook herself, but Becky and Amy loved that stuff. Monica served two bowls of double chocolate chip ice cream and silently handed one to Chandler.

"My favourite!" he exclaimed as he accepted the bowl.

"I know," she said with a faint smile. "Its also a great comfort food."

"See, Richard dying has had one good effect. Its made you gain some weight. I always thought you were way too thin," Chandler said brightly.

"Now you tell me!" she said, blushing. She had gained weight since Chandler had left, but more thanks to giving birth to two children than to Richard's death. She hadn't expected Chandler to notice, since she was still pretty slim, and she was slightly embarraed that he was studying her that closely.

"Sorry, but I know how touchy women are about their weight."

"Well, I'm glad to see Janice taught you one thing," Monica said, recovering from her embarrasment.

"Yeah, never date Janice," Chandler quipped.

"I'll remember that in case I ever feel the urge to date her," monica replied.

"No, no, no, See you can date her. That would be cool," he said, trying to picture it. Monica realised what he was doing and slapped him lightly on the head.

"Sorry," he said, not sounding at all sorry.

"No you're not!"

"Seriously, I am."

"Well, what do you want to do now we've finished stuffing our faces?" Monica asked a few minutes later.

"Well, I know what I want to do. But I'll settle for watching a movie."

"Okay. What do you want to watch?" she asked, hoping he wouldn't ask to see what videos she had, because she hadn't thought to move all the disney and Bob the Builder ones.

"'Die Hard'?" he suggested, grinning.

"Maybe I should chose," Monica said.

"Sure, whatever, I'll put up with a chick flick if I have to."

Two hours later they were in the middle of 'Titanic'. Chandler was sat on the couch, Monica on the floor between his knees. His arms rested lightly over her shoulders. She was deeply engrossed in the movie, even though he knew she had seen it a dozen times or more. But Chanlde rwas more interested in her, She was just as beautiful as when he went to Ottawa, just a little older and a fraction heavier. Plus of course, the gold wedding band on the fourth finger of her left hand. In her jeans and grey vest top, she looked young and casual. Chandler noticed a tin gold chain that disappeared under her top. He lifted it up to look at it, but she pulled it out of his hands.

"Chandler, please don't," she said, not talking her eyes of the TV screen. Obediently, he dropped the necklace. It wasn't all that important, he was just curious. But why didn't she want to let him see? It was only a necklace after all.

By the time the film ended, Monica was in tears. Chandler hugged her and stopped the movie. He slid off the couch, gently pushing Monica forward so he coudl sit behind her. He put his arms arounf her and rested his chin on her shoulder, stroking her long hair without even thinking about it.

"'Titanic' still makes you cry, huh?" Chandler remarked.

"Yeah," she agreed.

"well, given the events of the last week, I think you're allowed to cry," chandler said, tightening his grup on her.

"You know, its funny. I haven't actually cried much," she said. "I've probably cried more over 'Titanic' than about Richard."

"That's okay, not everybody has to cry to show they're sad," Chandler said gently.

"I know, but my husband is dead, and I'm crying over a movie! How dumb is that?"

"Mon, now don't bite my head off, but maybe you're in denial or something, and that's why you're not crying about Richard. But you cry about 'Titanic' because its safe, if you know what I mean. I don't know. Maybe I'm just talking out of my ass," Chandler suggested. He started to rock her gently, and she let him, leaning against his chest.

"Chandler, I know he's dead okay? I know he's dead and I'm never gonna see him again," Monica said miserably.

"I know you know he's dead. But that doesn't mean you're not in denial. You know, it takes time for the effects of something like this to sink in, not just the fact that he's dead," Chandler said, feeling very out of his depth.

"Thank you Chanlder. You dont' know how much I appreciate you trying to understand," Monica said gratefully.

"Come on, you have Ross, Rachel, Phoebe and Joey to understand you, you don't need me," he said modestly.

"Chandler, I always need you," she said. Chandler wanted to kiss her, but he resisted the impulse, because he knew she would onyl jump back again. "And seriously, I think maybe you're right."

"Monica, I'm no psychiatrist, but I know you," he said.

"I know you do."

"So you wanna watch another movie? Or is your ass going numb too?" Chandler said briskly.

"Why do we have to do anything?"

"Because otherwise we'd end up bored out of our minds."

"Seriously, can't we just stay here?" Monica asked. She liked the comforting strength of Chandler's arms around her.

"Sure, if you want to. But I may deman payment," he teased.

"What?" she asked, half hoping he might kiss her again as 'payment'.

"Dinner tomorrow night," he said quickly.

"I'd love to," she said, then remembered the kids were coming home tomorrow. "Oh no! I can't. I really wish I could, but I can't see you at all tomorrow."

"Why not?" he said, hating to admit to himself how disappointed he was.

"I can't explain right now, please dont' ask me to. But I promise I will call you in the evening," she said. Chandler felt her whole body tense up. He hated when she hid stuff from him, but having been in Ottawa for five years, he didn't dare pester her to tell him, however much he wanted her to trust him.

"I wish you would trust me," he said softly.

"I'm sorry Chandler. I just can't tell you this right now," she said.

"I won't force you to, I know I dont' have the right to know all your secrets anymore," Chandler said regretfully.

"I wish I could tell you," she said. chandler thought she was telling the truth.

"Look, lets just forget about tomorrow and concentrate on today, okay? So, do you want to watch another movie?" Chandler persisited. He obviously did, so she nodded and asked what he wanted to watch. "Do you have any horror movies?"

"Yeah, Richard liked them," she said, looking sad for a minute.

"'The Exorcist'?" chandler asked hopefully.

"Probably. If you let me up, I'll go look," she said. Chandler grinned and let her go. When she returned from the bedroom, holding the video, Chandler was sat in the middle of the couch. She had to sit next to him, which she realised was okay, because she wanted to sit next to him.

"How come you keep videos in there?" chandler asked.

"I dont' know. How come you ask dumb questions?" Monica said evasively. She was avoiding the question, because the truthful answer was that she didn't want Amy and Becky to find them, and she couldn't think of a convincing lie. Chandler shrugged, willing to let it go, for the time being anyway.

"Half way through the film, Monica realised why Chandler had asked to watch 'The Exorcist'. He knew she hated it, and had probably guessed she would end up with her face pressed against his shoulder. And from the firm, comforting way his arm draped around her back, not only soothing her, but also her holding her against him, she thought he liked the fact that he was in the protective role.

When Chandler left, it was almost eight o'clock. Monica had been torn between wanting him to stay and wanting to call her parents before the kids went to bed so she could say goodnight to them.

She had dialed hald of her parents phone number when the door opened and Chandler walked back in. monica hastily put doen the phoen, and raised her eyebrows at him.

"What did you forget she asked lightly, hoping she didnt' sound as if he had interrupted something important.

"I forgot how gorgeous you are," he said strangely. Monica looked at him, not sure how to react, or if he was serious or not. "And I forgot how hard it is to be around you and not do this."

"Do what?" Monica asked. As far as she could see, all he was doing was making her wonder if he was feeling okay.

"Chandler answered by doing what he had been longing to do all afternoon. He kissed her, holding the back of her head so she couldn't pull away like she had done earlier, feeling guilty for not giving her the chance to object. They were both surprised when Monica kissed him back, tentatively at first, then more demanding. It felt as if the past five years hadn't been real at all.

They didn't notice the phoen ringing. Chandler's hands had slipped down to Monica's waist, hers clutched at his hair. God, how she had missed this. But even as she kissed Chandler, she felt guilty, as if she was betraying Richard or something. When she heard the answer machine click on, she stopped. Richard's voice bringing her crashing back down to earth.

"Hi, you've reached Richard and Monica Burke. We can't come to the phone right now, but please leave a message." Monica pushed Chandler away. Richard's voice. She hadn't heard him speak for six days, yet it already sounded like the voice of a stranger.

"Goodnight Mommy!" two familiar little voices shouted down the phone. Monica stepped back, Chandler's arms fell to his sides, releasing her. He stared at her in horro and hurt. Monica's eyes closed, she wanted to pick up the phone and talk to Becky and Amy, who were now chattering excitedly about coming home tomorrow, although Monica hardly heard them, but she found she couldn't move.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Okay, okay, I know they were acting kinda like High school kids, but please forgive me, okay? Review, flame if you must.